Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Yes, you do.
Go and get back-up on your side.

Good to hear you say that, sure. I think that's exactly why everyone's worried for you, and has been encouraging you to get support. He is escalating, as you say, and no one can know how far that will go. We want to see you safe. For your own sake and yes, of course, for that of your precious DS.

Don't forget the other bit of what I said... You need backup but also you DESERVE backup.

You deserve the right to make choices about your own life. He is trying to stop you from making those choices, as he has done for years now. That is why you need to report him. It's not vindictive, it's not over-reacting, it's just you as an adult woman having the right to choose who you do and don't have in your life, what you do and don't have to put up with. Our laws exist to protect those rights. For you. You are entitled to use them.

So use them!!!

Sure.....we want you to be safe. You deserve to be safe. Women who leave abusive controlling partners are most at risk when they try to leave. Controlling bastards like him cannot cope with losing control of their possessions.... And that is how he sees you....as something for him to abuse and control as he pleases. He does not like the situation....not because he genuinely loves and cares for you but because you have defied his will. It will be driving him nuts to think he has lost control of you and yes, the worry is that he will escalate in order to bring you to heel/punish you.

You have said so yourself upthread....this has gone on for FOUR YEARS because HE WILL NOT LET YOU GO. Unfortunately this means you will need backup, and hopefully in the days and weeks to come you will feel strong enough to do what needs to be done....be that pressing charges whatever. It must be awful having to tell people, strangers, about your private life....but it is the only way to hopefully get this criminal rapist abuser out of your life for good.

Stay safe

Yes, you need backup! So pick up the phone and get it.

Why don't you tell him if he does not get out of your life you will report him for rape. Tell him there is no more relationship and never will be.

Why do you need someone else to make him stop? You alone hold the key to that happening. He is persisting because he thinks there is some hope.

I'd also be telling him that you have kept a log if all messages and will go to the police and also report him for harassment if he contacts you again.

There may be no physical proof of rape, but I doubt he is OK to let people think he was reported for it.

Get tough and play this bullying freak atvhis own game.

Sorry but I have to say I totally disagree with that advice, any communication with this man could well lead to getting sucked in to more dialogue, which is exactly what he wants and exactly what sure doesn't need.

He is not persisting because he thinks there is some hope, any normal person would have got the message by now, and you have been clear you don't want contact, sure. He is persisting because he is a controlling bastard who doesn't respect your right to make your own choices about your own life, just as he doesn't respect your right to say no to sex that you don't want.

I agree that you alone hold the key to making him stop, as in you alone can take the decision that you won't put up with it any more, but (at the risk of repeating myself!) once you have taken that decision you need and deserve the appropriate support. It is far from easy to stand up to an abusive man, and the most important thing here is your and your DS's safety. Ergo, police. Report him for harassment.

Thinking of you, sure

I should have said I didnt mean call him. I meant email him. I'd also mention being in contact with Womens Aid.

This man is a manipulative coward.

If Sure is saying he wont go away, then he needs a reason to - and being accused of rape and having authorities involved is bound to ruffle his feathers. He does not want these accusations damaging his charasmatic reputation.

I don't think he realises how serious this is and that is why he is hanging in there. Believe me, people can be told there is no hope a relationship will continue and they still hang in there... and this guy has had Sure come back to him numerous times. Why should he believe this time is any different?

I really hope you are OK, Sure. I have read all your threads and you have been incredibly brave and strong. Only good things will come from ridding yourself of this lowlife forever.

I am with talking here, you have established clearly that Nc is what you want. Getting in touch with him opens up a channel for him to continue.
This is not a normal bloke, this is a man with no boundaries who believes he can have anything he wants.

KOKO
X

Agreed talking.

bluebelle - 'tell him' to get out of her life? 'tell him' there is no relationship? 'Tell him' she has a log of messages? All this telling is communication! It's what he wants!
He HAS been told there is no relationship. He Has been told to stop. He HAS NOT STOPPED! In fact, he is now STALKING her!!

Why must OP re-open lines of communication? She owes him nothing. Now she needs the POLICE to do their job, and 'tell him'!

(Don't think I have ever used so many !!!!!s in one post!)

He has been told to stop, I know that. Has he been informed of the consequences if he doesn't? Maybe I missed it if he has been?

I am not saying open the lines of communication for his benefit. I am saying tell him what will happen if he doesnt f*ck off as that is the ONLY way he will leave Sure alone for good. Telling him to go away didnt work in the past. Why did anyonme think it would work this time? Sure has always gone back.

He has been on/off with Sure for years and no doubt thinks this is just the same old thing. Without knowing the consequences of contacting her, it is easy for him to just keep harrassing thinking he will wear her down like he has done every other time.

It's what I would do. I wouldn't keep quiet and let him think I am a helpless victim that can eventually vbe talked around. I would tell him exactly what will happen if he doesn't go away.

Given the on/off history of this relationship, I truly believe he believes he can reel Sure back in again and that is why he is continuing.

I think it wouild be really empowering to tell him the consequences as well. Or get someone else to do it. Either way, he needs to know if he is to leave Sure alone. Ignoring him is doing nothing but making him think he will in time break Sure again.

Email him and tell him the consequences or get the police to contact him re harrassment ASAP. If this has been done and I missed it, apologies.

I don't think you should contact him personally again, it is likely to just give him more hope of communication resuming. What more could you say?

Bluebelle I'm sorry but I don't think your advice is wise considering the entire situation sure is in now with regard to the police and Women's Aid. WA have involved social services to look out for her ds because of this - she can't go emailing the guy making threats!

sure has already made it clear she wants no contact and ignored him when she saw him in person. It's time he started believing her. The onus isnt on sure to make it clearer, it is on him to stop stalking her. You think if she told him she'd report the rape he'd leave her alone? I think the opposite. He'd see it as an empty threat and more reason to try and get her back under control and try and convince her it wasn't as she said.

Apologies for talking 'around' you, sure. I think it is worth contacting the police again and updating about the harassment, even if you are not ready to report the assault yet, as you have this instance of him contacting you in person, and a letter and such now that I don't think you had before? I wonder how much evidence of that they'd need before they could at least have a word with him.

Have you considered the uni counselling service yet? I know it's just one more thing to faff about with, but it might give you that element of personal support that you feel has been lacking. I used them in a similar situation and while they don't give advice as such, they do give guidance and can help you see things more objectively and figure out what you want to do.

It all felt more real to me when I started seeing the counsellor, it helped me really see the situation and actually listen to myself instead of going round and round in my own head. Once I had the confidence to trust my own feelings regarding it all, I didn't need it anymore.

Anyway, hope Wednesday treats you kindly.

Sure, you certainly do need to send him one strong, FINAL message to leave you the f**k alone.

I suggest you Say It with Police Officers.

Yy PP ^

I was never saying just send a message saying leave Sure alone one last time. I was saying tell him about the charges she could press if he continued to harrass her, re rape. Is he even aware that she is this serious or does he just think he can wear her down again?

Anyway, I'll back out now and wish you the very best, Sure. You deserve to be happy. You have suffered enough.

I really wish you happiness - it's time you had it.
xx

Bluebelle WA assessed me as high risk, offered me a refuge place, have informed social services, and put a critcal police marker on my home/phone no/ name.
They advised that i continue to be completely no contact at all with him. If I start emailing him they will see that as wilfully engaging in contact.

You are right that it has been on/off for years. That is because i have told him time and again that i don't want a relationship with him but he is relentless in his pursuit. You are also right that why should he think this time will be any different? He probably doesn't because his tactics usually work.
He knows he has done something wrong because he admitted in a message he is a rapist, and that he thinks i should report him to police. he also said he would hand himself in, which he obviously hasn't...why? because he thinks he's perfectly justified and i'll keep taking it.

"I wouldn't keep quiet and let him think I am a helpless victim" Thanks

"Why do you need someone else to make him stop?"
Because i have been trying for 4 years and haven't succeeded, he gets to call me names, stalk me and rape me, and i don't really want to do that any more.

"He is persisting because he thinks there is some hope."

How is 'leave me alone' and no contact for 2.5 weeks giving him hope?
What you are basically saying is that being raped, screamed at, controlled, dominated, abused and completely headfucked is my fault because i kept going back?

Sorry x posted a lot.

sure, I think bluebelle means well but has (fortunately) not had the same experiences that you have had with domineering, manipulative arseholes (or at least not ones at this grade).

I don't think she means to imply that this situation is your fault. Even if she did mean that, it isn't your fault and so any such statement can be safely disregarded.

You're doing great, sure, and absolutely doing it the right way. But your last message shows you know this. He'd see any response (even 'fuck off or I will call the police') as a win. Bullies get off on a reaction, any reaction, not just positive ones. He would enjoy an angry response because he would know he was getting under your skin and would think you were about to cave again.

You've made loads of progress

I know, sorry Bluebelle, I am just frustrated with my situation and its not your fault.
You're right when you say he probably doesn't think this time is any different. I guess I am pissed off with myself for letting it get this far

The main thing is that you're changing the pattern now, sure. However engaging the subject is for constant mental reassessment (and trust me, I struggle with this myself), it's time to stop devoting so much of yourself to this relationship, both past and present, and find a way to (somehow) mentally detach. MUCH easier said than done.

Aldous Huxley said 'Rolling in the mud is not the best way to get oneself clean', as a caution against over-analysing the past. I mutter it to myself whenever I think I'm getting a bit mentally bogged down.

You, however, are pulling yourself out of the mire and into a brand new life (which will hopefully have wine and kittens)

Yes PlumpPartridge , I hope so too!
I am definitely one for analysing, and analysing..... so I hear what you are saying. It is something I will be aware of, thank you.

I am going to speak to the police, I am going to at least report him for harassment, and report the rape/s, whether or not I press charges for the rape I am not sure about, as I need to get my degree, and going to court etc may take away from my work, which I am worried about, plus they will try to pick holes in my argument and i'll have to face him in a court - which will be really difficult. but he has to know he can't go round being so sexually aggressive.

He told me his last gf used to complain that he was constantly harassing her for sex.
I have wondered about contacting her cause I understand he called her a cunt and shoved her out of his door, and wouldn't take no for an answer when she dumped him.

See what happens when you report him for harassment and rape - if he persists then charges may well be necessary, but whatever happens the police will have been made aware of his past behaviour.

Wrt your degree, I imagine you will not be the first person to have issues that complicate your work and that you will be given all chances to defer, to make up work and to be as flexible as possible. As previous posters have said, they will want to help you through.

I'd be tempted to give them the name of his previous girlfriend too, as a potential supporter of your case. If you get in touch with her in the first instance then she might have a 'I just want to get on with my life and forget him' attitude, but if the police get in with her in the first instance then she might well be more inclined to assist them. I think people get scared at the prospect of it all getting serious, even if they do support you in principle, whereas if it's serious right from the start then they get over that reticence very quickly.

By the way, I also suggest a simple, straightforward message to DrainWoman if she's still hassling you:

'I do not want you to contact me anymore. I do not want to discuss this decision with you, and I do not owe you any further contact. If you make contact with me after receiving this message, I will inform the police and report you for harassment. Sincerely, Sure.'

Then change her name in your phone to 'DRAIN' and set her calls to reject, messages to delete and emails to trash.

I'm feeling bolshy today

I never meant to insinuate this was your fault, sure. In no way is this your fault.

I just felt if he KNEW how serious you were then he would be more inclined to pack in the contact and idea he could somehow get you back. He may well just think this will all blow over - and as it is has before I would understand him thinking this.

I never intended to cause you hurt and I apologise.

I have unfortunately had experience with an abusive bully. In my experience just expecting these types to go away and get the hint doesn't work which is why I suggested he be made aware by you or someone else that you could have him charged with rape.

Until he is aware that this time you are prepared to escalate things, I don't think he will just stop. Again, just my experience.

PP she texted last night asking if she'd done something. I just sent a short reply saying i'd been busy with uni - green light for her to start going on about how she thinks she's upset her bf. I haven't replied.
She hasn't asked after me.

I have asked WA Woman to see if I can speak to the police on Friday after STI appointment.