Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

OP I have been reading in admiration!! I too was raised in a home where love had to be earned, and I have some idea how off-kilter you must be feeling, but think about what you want your DS to be like when he grows up...

Would you want him to treat a woman the way you've been treated? I can't imagine you would want that, so don't you think you also deserve better? Doesn't every person on the planet deserve respect? Does anyone "deserve" rape?

Just KOKO and you will begin to see how wrong all this was, and that you have really started the best thing you ever did in your life! Life has to get better from here on.

Another cheering you on here! Could you try writing a list of people who believe you and think you're worth fighting for - starting with your HoD, and the woman from WA, through the nice police officer, and then all the people on here? Maybe the length of the list and the act of writing it will help your inner self grasp it?
Going to bed now - definitely KOKO and I love longtallsally's balls analogy!

Jux "they look at you without bias, without axes to grind" - this is such a good point.

That's the thing when you're brought up in an abusive/dysfunctional environment - those around you, who are supposed to care for you, and who shape your whole worldview and view of yourself, look at you through the prism of their own utter fucked-up-ness. And then they believe that what they see is the real you, and they make you believe that what they see is the real you.

And it's so far from the fucking truth, it's fucking insane.

So good that you've got people around you now who see you clearly, sure, both in RL and on here. As you know, 'he' was carrying on a process your family started off. And now you're starting to really dismantle that.

GO YOU!!!

I think Teeny's list idea is really good too.

Well done sure that was clearly not an easy thing for you to do. Before you went to WA you worried that they would not believe you. They do believe you and now you are worried that you might have got it all wrong. Both these are doubts that many women in your position face.

The rallying around of WA and support services shows just how much they believe you. And we have all believed you. Now you need to believe in you. You can get over these next few days, weeks and months and you will be happy and free of that snake.

Your story of him appearing at the garage made my blood run cold. And your reaction made me want to clap and shout "YES- keep it dull, uninteresting, don't give him anything".

Whitsernam, Teeny, Talking, Orangefusion, Thank you for your words of support.
What Sootgremlin said was spot on regarding that I am extremely private, independent and introverted so this is all a nightmare. I wish I had stayed quiet at times, if i'm honest.

I have had to ring the school and explain re pickups, spoke to breakfast / afterschool this morning and she looked at me with pity. That's the worst thing anyone could do would be to pity me.

The WA lady texted me last night saying did I want to speak to the police, I said perhaps tomorrow (weds) as I have a study day and can work it round uni, and she is now saying shes not in for the rest of the week and am I going to speak to them? As in just ring them up myself?
She said yesterday that they would support me through it.. I just don't know what to do next. She is telling SS about my son, which I wasn't happy about, i thought there was a plan, but it seems that's it really.

SO much uni work to do, a really noisy family have moved in next door, DrainWoman is messaging and leaving voicemails and i just don't know what to do next! STI woman just left a voicemail.

Can't wait for my own house in the middle of nowhere away from everyone else!

Woman from STI clinic- not sure she'd like being referred to as STI woman!

Tee hee, STI woman

Wrt DrainWoman: I think I'd ignore, tbh, or avoid, avoid, avoid. If you must engage with her, don't commit to anything or else be deliberately vague and mention the things you have to check on the calendar before you can get back to her (then, you know, just don't). I'd be more emphatic about ignoring her except that it sounds like you've got enough on your plate with ignoring just 'him' right now! I bet you anything that her pursuit of you is being driven by him so do let that harden your resolve.

Your short-term priorities should be (if I may suggest):

1. Going along with SS/WA/whatever
2. Your DS (realistically he will be at #1 a lot of the time)
3. Yourself.

In fact, cooperating with SS/WA is a way to take care of yourself and DS, so double points there.

You sound like you're juggling so much and doing it exceptionally well. Most people would be a tear-soaked bundle in the corner by now!

As a practical fix, get thee to a Boots and buy some earplugs for NoisyFamily so you can get to sleep (I recommend the wax ones).

Is it typical for DrainWoman to be so persistent? If not, be double wary.

If completely ignoring her is likely to spark more problems, you could send a boring message saying you've got too much Uni stuff on at the moment and so you're not socialising, but silence is probably better if you can manage it.

Just one or two messages from DrainWoman, probably because I have been totally ignoring. You're right, perhaps send a vague noncommittal reply until I have headspace for her.

'He' of course is ringing, texting. Latest today is he wants me to text his counsellor and tell her the score so they can work through 'closure' IF ITS OVER.....

Oh my God he's annoying. I'm fantasising about stamping on his head myself now, and I don't even know the man.

Oh my God he's annoying. I'm fantasising about stamping on his head myself now, and I don't even know the man.

I second this!!!

PlumpPartridge - don't like earplugs in case DS calls out in the night - yes I know he's six . But thank you. xx

1. I am waiting for ...direction? from SS/WA but nothing forthcoming, i'm guessing I have to just ring police? 2)DS has a party Thursday so I think it will be nice to make a card tonight..
2. STI Woman rang and said they only have morning apt for the next few weeks, DS inset day Friday but I have texted his old childminder and she can have him Friday morning.. urghhh

I have texted WA woman saying "what do I need to do?"
No reply.

He is fucking annoying! Who said on the last thread about the fly needing to be swatted??

Well WA woman has replied saying I can phone 101 and make a report then go and make a statement.
TBH i'm not gonna do that, WA was about as much as I could stomach, and i'm having to tell everyone my personal details and fucking social services are involved with my son, when basically she's telling me to do, on my own, what I did over a week ago on my own.
So I am actually no further on except social services are involved with my child, who hasn't even been involved with my ex!

The whole reason I went to WA was for some RL support and guidance, advice over what to do. I thought they'd advise as to the process. Come with me.

Sorry to hear you feel abandoned by WA

I don't really know how much they get practically involved - maybe somebody knowledgable on this thread can advise?

I think just now, just slow down a bit. You've managed to disengage, you are getting your head around the fact that your relationship was quite damaging to you and you are planning a way ahead. Breathe.
Decide whether making a statement is something you can face on your own or with support from a friend maybe? You know you can report at a later date if you wish.

RapeCrisis is the other resource that I am familiar with. I know they support victims of rape and sexual abuse, no matter how long ago the abuse happened and provide counselling etc. Well, they do here (Scotland) so no idea whether they might be different elsewhere. I know that would mean to explain yourself to somebody yet again (but you could just print your previous OP out - that really says it all).

Ah, have some . You may well be experiencing the 'slump' after all the adrenalin of having made momentous decisions and moving out of your comfort zone by talking about this has worn off.

Give yourself some time to heal. Have fun with DS. Lick your wounds.
The time for action will come.

Yes, concentrate on you and ds and your Uni stuff for now. Give yourself a big hug, because what you've done has been momentous.

When WA ring back you are perfectly entitled to say that you do not wish to contact the police and make any further statements. You have already spoken with the DV unit at length and you know that they are there, should you choose to press charges. Your priority now is to continue to disengage from 'him', to give yourself some healing time, and to drink lots of hot chocolate with ds. You have protected your ds from any involvement from him.

You know that the police are there if you want to press charges against him for rape or if 'he' continues to harass you and you want backup. The role of WA is to advise and support you, not to hassle you. You have the power now to run your life - WA can and should support you and remind you of the choices you have before you.

Best of luck

I just know he won't stop unless he's forced to.

I think you may have to speak them yourself, sure. It sucks, but try to think of it as a means to an end (I.e swatting that twat out of your life).

Name.

Before you do anything, just sit down and write out your options. Pop them on here if you want feedback. Do it this evening, before bed. We can help you on the pros and cons of each, but if you are not happy with reporting the rape and harassment, you are going to have to deal with him yourself for what could be months and months of continual following and emails/calls etc.

Just write them all down first, and see where you can go from here.

I just know he won't stop unless he's forced to

Then do get the police on board.
Or seek (civil) legal advice re injunction or similar (not-a-lawyer).

It's a bit shit and unfair that you have to make him go away as he is not taking no for an answer, but that in its own right is an offence and once that give you ground for steps against him, whether you want to take the abuse side of things further or not.

"I just know he won't stop unless he's forced to."

So please force him.

Go to the police and report him for harassing you.

Get some force on your side.

Please.

I know that the outcome of going to WA has not been what you wanted so far, and I would feel exactly the same as you about DS's school being involved, so I really do feel for you there. (Not pity you, mind!)

But this is part of the process of admitting that the situation you have been "managing" for the last few years is actually completely unmanageable. You can't do this alone. You've tried and tried and you kept getting sucked back in.

You need backup, you deserve backup. And only the police can offer that force you need, only they can make him a fly to be swatted. Without them on your side, he's a lot more dangerous than a fly, sadly.

So please...

OK, i've stopped having a tantrum now.
I have just been reading about how controlling men can't or just won't take rejection and stalk their exes and sometimes disable or kill them. Not that i'm saying thats what 'he' would do, but the fact he was following me and approached me twice on sunday has freaked me a bit.
Thats not something i expected and i feel like he's escalating.
It sounds dramatic but my son is number one and i need to be here for him.

Like you said, Talking , I clearly need backup.