Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Hi, sure, still here too.
Hope you had a good weekend with your DS.

Hi all,
I guess I have been feeling quite quiet. Not sure if I am coping as I have been swinging from one extreme of emotion to the other!
I saw my counsellor from my old town on Saturday.
I haven't seen her for a good while, and she knows my history, such as my childhood, family issues etc, she also knows about 'him' and my relationship, but I am not sure she knew how much he featured in my life, as I was quite ashamed at how I kept letting him back in, and I didn't talk about it as much as some other things.

There is still nothing from the police, he is still blissfully unaware.
I have been stuck between:

• wanting this all to go away, and telling the police to leave it cause I don't think I can handle going through all this
• Having a massive rant at him detailing what he's actually done and how much he has hurt me
• Being absolutely gutted that someone who could be so soft and loving and kind could treat me how he has and crying my eyes out
• Missing him
• Hating his guts in a kind of adrenaline- fuelled muahahaha you're getting arrested and then everyone will know what a shit you are and what you've done and you're gonna have to look in the mirror
• Thinking - oh well nothing is actually going to happen to him, its my word against his re the rape and policeman said he's only actually been harassing me since the 23rd sept when I told him to leave me alone and he has only been sending me nice "please meet me" messages which frankly aren't that bad.
• Not wanting to even go to uni ( I should be in a workshop now but I cant face it) or get out of bed or feed myself (my clothes are getting really baggy) *Wanting to go on Tinder (social messaging app) to meet people around here and make a proper life in this city
• Being scared of meeting anyone ever again (relationship or otherwise) *Random crying and urges to message him/go round his house in weird attempts to make everything better

Probably more.
Limbo

Hi Sure

I think wildly swinging emotions is very much the norm after all that you have gone through over the last wee while. Dont be too hard on yourself for what you are feeling: it is all a legitimate response to the events.

Limbo is a hard place to be but please just keep talking on here and try to ride out the feelings of frustration/grief/anger/sadness....all part of the process and no quick fixes possible....but you WILL come out the other side of this, and you will be stronger and will have a better life for having him out of it.

Am sure others with wiser words will be along shortly. Be kind to yourself, try and distract/focus on other things if at all possible. Dont do anything rash.

I haven't contacted him at all.

You are so strong, getting through this alone!! Congratulations on not contacting him. Even in a weak moment, you have not done so, and that takes true inner strength.

If you have to, force yourself to go to uni... this is your future we're talking about here! Yours and DS's.... and it will distract you from the problems you're having/things you're feeling. Please do go.

And many many rounds of applause for you, getting so far on your own.

Good for you Sure.....I second the comment above about your inner strength, well done!

Whar could you do tonight to be kind to yourself?

Hi Sure
You need to eat so you can look after littlesure. Please eat something, a bit of toast, an egg, something you can nibble at while ds eats. It can be pleasing to watch the pounds fall off but it also ebbs your strength and leaves you open to illness and lack of energy for the good stuff like uni and your lovely boy. Even if it is just cake, a bit of energy fodder will help to lift your mood and help with the motivation to get to uni.

A warm bath can help with mood lifting too, it cleanses and purifies and relaxes and softens.
KOKO
x

Well done, Sure.

Food - please eat. (I always say this in a situation where someone isn't eating:) when my mum was really ill and couldn't eat, our GP told her to mash a banana and make a milkshake using vanilla ice cream (full fat) and ff milk. This will get calories into you and be easy to drink. Or just a mashed banana.

Chopped banana and live yoghurt is also good. Please feed yourself a little. You can't look after ds or yourself, let alone do anything, if you're starving.

Thank you all,
I think i'll plan a bath for tomorrow, so DS can share, crap old house makes it cost effective as we have an ancient boiler and I have to put the water on to heat so tomorrow can be bath night. I will look forward to that :)
Jux, the whizzing a banana with milk sounds good, just the thought of proper food is eugh and there's nothing I fancy, if you know what I mean.
Lying in bed this afternoon ( I went to morning lecture but came home for lunch, had half a cup of tea and ended up hiding in bed) I really noticed lack of energy but just really don't fancy food at the moment.

I've heard nothing from police but can't face ringing them.

I just get the feeling from police that nothing much may really happen.

Sure, another thing which you can mash and eat easily when you're not up to real food, and is full of nutrients is abocado. If you could manage a banana and an abocado daily, you'll be OK until you get your appetite back. What worries me is that when you are effectively starving it makes it harder to lift your mood; also not eating weakens you not just physically, but mentally too, and that makes it harder to cope. Try chocolate too, that triggers pleasure centres in the brain (no, really it does!).

Sorry to bang on a bit. I always get worried when someone stops eating because it lengthens recovery time and makes everything more difficult. I'll shut up now

Even if nothing much does happen with police, you have at the very least notified them about his behavior, and if something comes up in the future involving him, they will be that much better prepared. I and millions of other women do really wish the police would listen more to women when they tell of a man's bad behavior, but you have done what you can, and you cannot control them (unfortunately)

If he does harass you in the future, you should get a quick response and understanding. If another woman reports him next year, she should get help. It would be lovely to see him get locked up and have a consequence for what he has done, but that may have to come another day, year, life?

And how are you? Please don't take too much time worrying about what does or does not happen to him. Your own life is so much more important!!

Please don't! What youre saying makes a lot of sense.
I feel like I am mentally weakened as well, my mind is so tired, it makes sense that its because haven't been really feeling like eating properly.

Oh Whitsernam I am having a worry about it all.
I am used to worrying about everyone else! Even now.

Maybe nothing will happen at all and it will all go away and I can hide under my duvet .
Trying to research Stroke rehab for uni and keep realising i'm staring into space..

sure, it is no longer possible for 'nothing' to happen because the 'something' you have done is finding a way to detach yourself from him.
That is a huge 'something' - and all important for your future happiness, and your DS's.
Don't waste too much brain space on him - que sera, sera, as the saying goes.

Long day here.
Good night

A v ocado!! aaaargh! I do know what the damn things are called, but my typing/iPad clearly doesn't

Haha Jux, it sort of sounded like you had a blocked nose

He's messaged saying he's in my city for work today and will I meet him?

Morning Sure

Was just thinking about you and you updated. Please keep ignoring him....he isnt worth it. You have done brilliantly in detaching from him, keep it that way. You are a strong, independent woman who does not need a "man" like that in your life.

God he's persistent isn't he? That is not good. Ignore.

I'm really trying.
He obviously hasn't been arrested yet..
Doesn't think he's done anything wrong.
He's just waiting for me to go back. To be fair to him he's just doing what he always does, waiting for me to do what i always do.

He's just waiting for me to go back. To be fair to him he's just doing what he always does, waiting for me to do what i always do.

Ah, but things have changed now haven't they? You have changed. You have reached out, asked for help and support from others, both here and in real life. YOu have spoken to real people who have all validated you and confirmed what deep down you already knew: that this man is no good and you need him out of your life.

You know that if you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got.....and in this case, that would be going back to walking on eggshells, misery, verbal and physical abuse, fear, anxiety and all manner of other nasties that you have written about at length.

You aren't going to do that because you are strong and determined and better than him. You deserve so much more that this weak, abusive man.

Could you phone WA and ask for some real life support? Say he has contacted you, obviously hasnt been arrested, and you are feeling very anxious?

I've texted WA lady, she said to call police if he turns up.
She spoke to police, guy from other police force is unwell so no progress.

Stay strong. And YY to ringing police. In fact, ring 101 local DV people now (still got your incident number?). Then have a hair trigger on 999.

I'm curious how his texts can even get through. Surely you've blocked his numbers?

Un-Mumsnetty hugs from M,J&I.