Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

It's not stupid.
It's because you are a Nice Person. Who is grieving a loss.
Wanna bet he's not crying??

Here. Share my chocolate x.

Thanks Pacific.
Yep, didn't expect to feel this so deeply, ive been telling myself i can walk away at any time these past few years

Damn, why does Mumsnet not have a chocolate-icon...

And you can. And you did. >pon pom-icon

Yy chocolate icon sadly lacking.

It gave you a false sense of control, this telling yourself "I am not all that much invested". You were/are, but you are slowly extricating yourself.

You've got your DS, virtual, non-fattening chocolate, scary PO friend - you go, girl!

Of course you care, it doesn't just switch on and off like a tap. There is also the grief for what could have been and for the loss of the hopes you invested in the beginning. But as Pacific said, you are extricating yourself. You will find your emotions jumping around like jumping beans, but everyday will get a bit easier and one day you will have found your new normal.

I asked for a chocolate icon a long time ago, but when I think about it I can't come up with anything that won't look like a cube of poo ........

Sure, when someone treats us badly, and sadly often when someone is raped, we return to that person and make them more important to us. Women who are raped by someone they know, return to their rapist for love. It's called hysterical bonding, as we try to convince ourselves that the person didn't rape us, didn't hurt us, because they care for us, so they can't have . . . .

You cared a lot for him and shared good times with him, but don't let it cover up the fact that he hurt you, and he fantasised about hurting you more.

I'm used to being hurt and abused, maybe that's why I kept going back for more.

I know, Sure, and I am so in awe of you making the break now and taking the steps you need to, to keep you and your ds safe.

I wasn't trying to suggest that you are doing anything wrong, just that we do understand why you continued to be so close to him, and why it hurts so much now. Apart from the fact that you are a lovely person and clearly willing to see the best in someone, you were also protecting yourself in a way that many of us have.

You are going through the most confusing and stressful time now, but please know that lots of us are here with you, in awe of the steps you have taken, and wishing you all the best.

I know you weren't,thank you so much. Reading the words on here keeps me going, I need to keep going.
I sense that a lot of you are talking from experience and that saddens me, that any of you have had to be where I am, or worse. However, its testament to your strength and character that you're here posting to support others
Its breaking my heart right now. I've even been researching what he does (like to learn!) and I think he may have borderline personality disorder. I suppose I am trying to create order and explanation, I've been doing that for years actually. Something to hang on to.

I'm used to being hurt and abused, maybe that's why I kept going back for more

That is such a sad statement but upsettingly one that many people living with abuse would nod along to.
You will need to un-learn what you accepted as 'normal' because it's not and you deserve so much better.

Looking for explanations is so, so understandable, but please don't use whatever you find to excuse his behaviour. There ARE no excuses to behave as he did.

I know.
I guess its just easier to take than accepting what some have said on this thread that he doesn't give a shit about me.

Whether has a borderline personality disorder (or any other personality disorder) or narcissistic trait or is plain nasty - the result wrt his treatment of you is all the same, so don't dwell too much on it.

If it helps you see that the flaw lies with him and not you, then all the better

DS went to his dad's last night (half term and his mum is looking after him today) and I had a glass of red wine, which turned into half a bottle and I feel like shit this morning!!
Miss DS loads. Need to go in and be amazing at uni this morning but meh.

Whether he…

Sorry, I really should proof read

Very good points, Pacific

You can be hungover AND amazing at the same time
Go and dazzle 'em all with your brilliance!

I'm off to work. Have a good one - DS will be home before you know it x.

Haha, will do, have a good day. X

Searching for explanations is natural, I think. As time goes on and you're further away from the situation emotionally, you might find that your preferred explanation changes. In the meantime, be kind to yourself but do take care not to re-engage (which I'm sure you won't, but it bears repeating).

And if you can be amazing when you've got a hangover then just think what you could do at top capacity!! Have a good day

Fresh air will do you good, mental stimulation - whether you're on top form or not - will do you good. Then, you can hang out and chat, do library stuff or just go home and sleep.

Explanations are all well and good, but don't really change anything in the past, but if it helps you move on, fine. Don't spend too much thinking time on it lest you get bogged down in it.

You are already amazing, so being amazing at Uni will be a doddle

How are you today sure? Have the police said when you will have your phone back? Hope university went well - I cannot function with a hangover myself so I admire you!

Yes, the hangovers get worse as i get older!
It went okay. I was enthusiastic at least.
Another WA appointment today, she's going to ring police monday to find out what is going on as its all being passed around a different police force now, and i can't face chasing it up.
Glad of the support.
Hope everyone's had a great Halloween

Halloween was great, thanks sure - and there's more of it today & tonight. How was yours?

Re hangovers: just wait until you are my age

I'm out tonight for a big party and DH has just offered to drive….

How did you get on with WA yesterday?

Hi Sure. I've been thinking about you a lot the past few days. Your thread is quite quiet and I hope that you are ok and still feeling able to KOKO? We are all still here and hoping that you are coping ok.