Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Well done, sure

You do know that you don't have to do ANYTHING in order to please us, don't you?

You are in control of you own destiny which is what the whole 'breaking free' lark is all about x

sure, this is a place where you can be honest - it's difficult to find someone in RL who will be able to sit and appreciate the many different aspects of a break-up. Confusion, hurt, anger, sadness, self-doubt, self-hate, guilt.... the list goes on. On here, you should be able to talk about all aspects of it and not just the 'I will survive' bits as you mentioned above. I'm glad you are doing so.

People like stories, though, and they want your story to be 'And then she broke up with him and he got his comeuppance for his actions and she and her son lived happily and productively ever after'. Therefore, they get slightly twitched at any indication of an alternative outcome. It's not fair on you and I'm not excusing it, but it does happen.

When I broke up with my clinging ex (as in, it took a few months for him to get the message and fuck off properly - thank goodness we were in different cities), there was one poem that really resonated with me:

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.
Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.
But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all
I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Vicki Feaver

I got past it, eventually. You can too.

Well done sure obviously this is really hard for you; it is hard to do so no wonder.

He does need to see the consequences of his actions, and he no longer listened to you. I can't think of any other way to make him stop and think honestly about himself and his attitude to people/women/you, than what is happening now.

I know you want a break from it all now. You have done the hardest part.

ZP that poem is exactly it.

Jux, thank you, I hope that he will listen, though I'm not sure he will.
Wish I could speak to him, write him a letter.
I know it is pointless.

Might just write it and not send it.

Writing a letter but not sending it is a fabulous idea!! When I do that it helps me figure out what I'm really thinking and feeling - if I can organize my thoughts well enough to put them on paper and make sense, I'm more sure of myself. Hope it works that way for you.

And give yourself credit for having such a good idea!! You're figuring lots of this out yourself, see

Hi, sure - hope your day went serenely, in the end.

And how is DS?

Wishing you a peaceful night, sure

You'll be exhausted from all the soul-searching and the adrenalin that carried you this far.

Hi all,
You weren't wrong, last night I was planning to write the letter and read journal article for today's uni session, but I fell asleep in with DS about 8pm!
He is just so cuddly and the comfort and love and snuggles was so warm that I must have just nodded off with him in my arms, which was rather lovely.
I woke up at 5 with period pains though, and have been awake since, but uni session went well and I contributed loads even though I hadn't read it, major winging it!!
I'm just waiting, waiting to hear whats happening next. It all feels very quiet.

Quiet is good. Last night's cuddle-sleep sounds gorgeous (remembers fondly doing the same with dd many a time) and will have done you so much good.

I'm thinking about what he's going to feel and think when he gets arrested. What he's going to say when questioned. Whether he'll think 'fuck, i have done this to her, I've really hurt her, pushed it too far' or 'I'm innocent, she's crazy, what a vindictive bitch'.

Hard to say, sure. If he's clever then to the police he'll claim to be innocent, knowing it's your word against his.

Inside his own head, I imagine he won't want to admit fault (who does?) and so will probably be mired down in dodgy self-justification. I wouldn't expect him to feel guilty when he first gets arrested, not at all - he'll be too busy being shocked, then scared, then covering the scared with 'very angry'. The police have obviously seen the whole gamut of emotions before and I suspect they are very very good at sifting out the 'feeling guilty but angry' ones from the ones who totally internally reject any guilt whatsoever.

Any actual remorse, if there is any, may come later. However, I suspect he'll only be remorseful because he's lost you rather than actually feeling remorse for the actions themselves. People who say they feel dreadful for doing a thing and then fucking repeat it are not genuinely remorseful, IMO.

Anyway, you'll be doing your head in thinking about it. Do try not to.

Sure, when was the last time he worried about what you felt or thought?

sure, to give you my thoughts on this, we have to go with your previous ponder/assertion that he's not a monster. And I do, actually! You've proven yourself very clear-headed in many respects. And it is easy to work up a person we've read about to be a pantomime baddie, so thanks for that reality check. It is this "possibly nice guy" I didn't address in my "care about" soapbox session yesterday (partly because I didn't want to get flamed). But this is what I would have said:

"Care about his good side, if one exists. The part of him that might be thinking perhaps he shouldn't have done xx or yy also deserves to be given stiff resolve, some authoritative ammunition to shout down the bad, rape-y parts of him. If he's ever going to go on and become a decent human being, his good side needs this to happen."

Of course, if his initial and continued reaction is of the "vindictive bitch" variety, different advice (but same action).

Yy to Jux, and to Zombie too. What he thinks and feels will be a reaction to the circumstances, because he manipulates feelings according to what he wants, and probably convinces himself that he is right.

However, he raped you, and he admitted it by text. If he goes down the angry, self righteous route, your answer (to yourself/a court/hopefully never directly to him) is that he raped you and he admitted it. Any attempt to minimise what he did, or to minimise how it made you feel is wrong. Rape is rape. You said no. You could not consent whilst asleep. He was willing to have sex with you before whilst you wept. He has no respect for your feelings, your body or for appropriate boundaries, but has treated you with disrespect and - just as importantly - illegally. That is why you can never be with you and that is why his attempts to win you back since have been pitiful.

Keep on keeping on.

Thank you all for your valuable messages, and thanks for not saying "who cares?" (I care, because i can't turn it off, and because it affects me massively how he decides to plead).
I'm gutted its come to this. But like Upwithwitch said, any good in him needs this addressed if he's going to be a better human, which i hope he will be one day. I hope he understands that i had to do this. Deep down i think he'll recognise that.
..and thank you longtallsally for reiterating plainly what he did, and that its not right. It sounds weird but it keeps me focused.

We know you care, it's who you are and what you do. It's why you are following the calling you have to work in this field. It may be, spiritually, why such disastrous stuff has been heaped on your shoulders ... but I recognise that may be too woowoo for you and/or others to stomach ...

Anyway, just popping in to say I'm still here offering support.

"he's a wrong 'un I am right" .... say it ... it's got amazing rhythm ... I'd suggest chanting it internally, lest you get weird looks .... *heh

Tipsy that is so insightful.

sure, whether he gets it or not is entirely up to him.

And you know by now, but it bears repeating: any reasonable person would know you had to do this. Indeed, it's pretty much the definition of a reasonable person.

Sleep well, sweetie - and give DS some hugs.

I will. DS so beautiful snoozing away. Cheeks like a peach.
Thank you. xx

Good morning Sure. Your ds sounds just delicious.

Just a thought. For some real life support whilst you are going through this, please do consider giving Rape Crisis a ring. They will completely understand what you are going through and will be able to offer some support. Whether the CPS decide to prosecute, or whether they don't, you will be on a bit of a rollercoaster for a while, and RC will have people who have been through the same process and who understand exactly what you are going through.

MN will still be here too, of course.

I second that, sally!

Morning Sure

Hope today goes well, and by that i mean calmly.... there has been quite enough stress for now!

You are doing so well you know, lots of people on here very proud of you and wish only good things for you....and that is what you deserve.

Hi sure - are you ok? Hope you are.

Hi,
Yeah, I'm ok.
Crying a lot once I get into bed at night.
Its so stupid how much I care.