Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Good luck today, sure!

Thinking of you today, sure

Thinking of you Sure.....you are awesome!

Good luck for today sure. Stay strong.

The PO has come and I've given him my phone, I've signed the statement.
I just want it to go away.
Why did he have to do this??? We're both gonna be gutted and its all gonna kick off.

Surely I could just get a PIN so he doesn't contact me, that would be enough. It's not in me to punish him.

Good luck today, sure.

Just DO it. He deserves no pity or punch-pulling. He will NEVER get the message until he is made to do so officially.

If you don't care about yourself (and you should, because you're brilliant!), if you don't care about well-being of the mother of your wonderful boy (and you should, because he's brilliant!), care about us - care about ALL women.

Care about the women who may need protecting from "him" now or in the future.

Care about the future of womenkind, who need everybody - man, woman, victim/survivor or blissfully unaware - who can stand up and say "This is not right" to do just that TODAY.

Care about every woman who isn't quite sure if xx or yy is "really rape" or "not worth fussing about". Add your voice to those who strive to drown out the rape-myth-spreaders.

Rape, as you know, is not about love or sex. It's about power. YOU are the one with the power now - but the difference is yours is ABSOLUTELY LEGAL POWER. You have both might and right on your side. Stand up.

But a PIN may well not work - all it is is a formal notice to warn him to stop contacting you. It does not mean he would accept he has done anything wrong, and he has.

I'm really glad you've signed the statement despite how you're feeling. Thats the hardest bit done now. The police will let you know when he has been arrested and what is going on, and hopefully he will be given bail conditions not to contact you, which he can be arrested for if he breaks.

Well done on your courage for signing the statement, it is honestly the right thing to do.

It isn't about punishing him sure (even though he deserves it), it's about putting steps in place to make sure he doesn't bother you again. Well done for making that step, the hard part is over, I'm not saying it will be easy but you will have the time and space to heal now.

Yes but with a PIN he wouldn't bother me again.
I wouldn't have to get him arrested. I wouldn't have to go to court and drag this on.

Just been reading up about PINs - their main flaw is they would rely on you reporting him breaching a PIN. And you know he'd never believe you wouldn't report him again. C'mon, sure - you KNOW he'd ignore it. He's ignored everything you've done so far.

The only thing that has a chance of stopping him from contacting you is to know what a lucky escape he had to avoid going to jail for rape.

Or actually being in jail, of course.

UpWithWitchIWillNotSpook - brilliant post.

sure, if you're struggling with making this decision on behalf of yourself, please rest assured that you are doing the rest of the world a big favour. And well done on signing the statement despite how you currently feel - that must have been really hard.

Him being arrested is the legal and correct consequence for his actions.

Indeed, what the previous posters said.

from the other perspective, why SHOULD he get away with thinking its OK to rape people?

PO said this am that the CPS may not even run with the rape conviction, because it's my word against his.
When I said what about where he admits it in the fb messages, he said no that evidence is for harassment. I said no, he admits in those that he did it.
He didn't seem to make the link.

It's very saddening how sorry you feel for him.

This man who has got away with raping you may well have raped other women and may well do it again. If he had no problem doing it to you, what's to stop him?

Even if he does not get sent down, he needs a very clear message about this. And so do you. What worries me is that you are not hearing the message that he's a bad person. I think I will leave you and the thread to it now. I have a horrible feeling you are on the point of going back to him and that is not a good thing at all.

Thanks, ZP.

And sure, sorry I didn't say before Well Done! So proud of you.

And apologies if it seemed like I was haranguing you. I wouldn't have encouraged you if I didn't know you're AT LEAST that strong.

'Cos you are! You've done so much, even with all the various millstones dragging you down, so please forgive me for mustering you to get rid of the biggest one you've got right now.

Don't be surprised if today is a bit of a roller coaster of emotion. But it might actually be the best emotion day of your life so far.

I once had agonised for weeks over writing up a grievance at work. Soul-searching, re-living all the issues in my head, getting the words right. Sleepless nights, bad digestion, no doubt my blood pressure was through the roof.

My heart was thumping out of my chest when I handed it over. That night I slept like a baby. Because at that point it was OUT OF MY HANDS. I couldn't have taken it back if I wanted to. It was immensely liberating.

I hope you get that night's sleep tonight and from now on.

Maybe because you KNOW what he did and what he is apologising for it looks very obvious to you, but could look ambiguous to an outside observer.
Maybe Harrassment is a certain, so they will run with that.
Either way it shows a strength that he wouldnt have expected and may make him think twice.
He knows what he has done.

I have to go into uni now for groupwork, and I don't have phone for updating ( just cheapy phone).
Lois not sure how you've ascertained i'm going back to him when I have just signed a statement to get him arrested. It's a shame your interpretation of what is going to happen disappoints you.
It's not black and white, no I don't think he's a total bastard, bad through and through, I think what he's been through and how he's lived stops him seeing that the results of that, and what he thinks is ok and normal, aint normal, and I want him to be made to see that and stop it.

You're just being honest sure, it would be great if you were striding purposefully down the street flicking your hair back with Gloria Gaynor playing in the background but real life just isn't like that. It's going to be hard and you're going to have wibbles but you're doing brilliantly!

Sorry posted with the EEVEE username :p if I can just add also that my abusive ex could also be wonderful at times, it was his insecurity that drove him to do the things he did. Having said that, it's still unacceptable whatever the reason and you've given him enough chances, he needs to be stopped. It may actually be a good thing for him in the long run but even if it isn't, you need to put yourself and your DS first (not to mention any other victims of his in the future)

You may not think he's a total bastard, sure - maybe he isn't. But his issues are clearly deeply rooted enough to make him think it is ok for him to commit rape. You might feel sorry for him, but at some point you have to back away for your own safety. I might feel sorry for a rabid dog that's howling and scared in the street, but I'm sure as fuck going to stay away from it because it is NOT SAFE for me to try and help.

It is a bit sad from an outside perspective to see how enveloped you are in this man's problems. His problems aren't yours, even if you felt they were up until now.

I am sympathetic towards your feelings but now is the time to put away feeling and try to be as emotionless as possible. If someone else relayed your story to you from their own perspective then you'd be horrified and think arrest was the right result, I think.

People keep saying "it'll stop him doing it again"

I suspect he has done it since. Lets face it, he hasn't been celibate since, has he? Its not his style. Do we really think he hasn't been texting/pursuing someone else at the same time? Of course he has.

sure is just the back-up plan. He is a predator, and he has been tracking other women all along.

ZP, I don't feel sorry for him. I can see how he has got where he is, but I don't feel sorry for him. There are plenty of people who have had shitty starts in life, but don't go on to abuse other people, carry on the cycle.

I do hear what you are saying. However I disagree that I am enveloped in his problems. Once, yes, and I was sympathetic to him, but 4 months in, I started to see what he does, and it continued, despite promises of change.
I have always stayed back, not agreed to get back together with him, move in with him, once his behaviour got worse, I scaled back completely his involvement with DS, I provided a sounding board and suggested solutions for his 'problems', but I always kept it at arms length.

Indeed, that was one of the things he used to get pissed off about. He saw it as 'lack of commitment and rejection', whereas I saw it as you said with your rabid dog analogy, I can see he wasn't right, but I knew it was a terrible idea to get too close. There was always an escape route and like a dangerous dog, I never trusted him at all.

Ellasmum thanks. I know that how far he's pushed it is wrong, and I know that a combination of my low self esteem/what i'd been taught from an early age and his needy, abusive and out of control nature was a disaster waiting to happen and it did, and I let it.

Its not black and white. He's not 'just a bastard' and that's it.
Over the years he's been my best friend, gone miles out of his way for me and DS, been more of a dad in the early days than DS' own dad was, changed shitty nappies, mopped up sick, sat in A&E, taken us for days out, looked after DS like his own, planned days round what he wants to do, knew exactly DS' little ways and understood him, loved him.
He was there for us, emotionally, physically. He has done things and got little thoughtful presents that prove he knows and likes me for who I am, my interests, my nature, he has made me feel beautiful and cherished and loved, he gets DS better than his dad does. He would have done anything for us.

That doesn't just evaporate when he switches to being abusive, it makes it more confusing.

I'm sorry if i'm not sticking to the story of what you all want to hear. i'm just being honest.

Annarose, I don't believe he goes round raping women. At all. Texting/pursuing, possibly, even probably. But that doesn't affect me because we're not together.

I think he reached a point with me where he'd broken me down over years and even to him just having sex with me because HE wanted to was okay. And he probably still doesn't think he has done anything wrong, and he stopped listening to me trying to address his behaviour years ago. SO now some else has to tell him its not ok.

Its not and i'm doing something about it.

I am not minimising, I am doing something about it, which I am sure is what you all want.. please don't turn this into some sort of hunt the bastard predator rapist, imagining he goes round on the hunt, dragging women into his car.

I see it for what it is, and I can't see it from an emotionless, outside black and white perspective. I am just trying to make my way through the mire without having some sort of breakdown and wasting all the work and effort I have put in so far to be ok, and be a good mum, and get a degree, and not fall, and go back to obliterating myself.

And ZP you're right, I can't help him, his problems are not mine and he won't change.. I have to minimise damage and what he has done recently is painful. I am not gonna be all indignant and "you bastard" right now, because I am not used to sticking up for myself, and what has happened, is happening is hurtful.