Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

You are not a piece of shit.
You do not deserve to be treated like one - by him or yourself.

Do you actually self-harm?
Does it feel like a release to you?
I hope you are safe.

What you are feeling is standing right at the edge of a cliff, at the precipice, the point of no return. It IS frightening - life will never be the same, even if 'the same' is abuse and violence and fear and quaking in your boots, the familiar can seem comforting.

I hope that how you are feeling today will be the trough, the low-point, with onwards and upwards thereafter (I know that's not realistic - you will have good days and bad days, and good hours and bad hours, but the balance, the ration of good/bad will increase towards 'good'. Exponentially).

I hope you get home safely and enjoy being at your own space again.

What Pacific said:
You are not a piece of shit.
You do not deserve to be treated like one - by him or yourself

Please try to be kind to yourself

I'm home. I didn't reply.
Pacific, I used to self harm when I was younger, teen younger. I've actually (since NC with him) had a tattoo over the worst visible bit on my arm. I've noticed people looking..its not immediately noticeable but its pretty obvious. I'd rather they were looking at a tattoo than scars, even though a visible tattoo may get me judged. Its really well done though.
It's a robin, for my beautiful Nanna. She loved me unconditionally and i her.
I spent ages choosing the artist and 8 months on their waiting list. Funny the appointment should come up when all this is coming to a head.
A robin for Nanna, nature for me and an acorn for DS (cause he's gonna grow into a mighty oak)
Much nicer to look at and better reminder.

To be clear i don't self harm now, no. Not for about 16 yrs. I wouldn't dream of it now, though it crosses my mind, for DS' sake.
A lot of things i don't do now, for DS' sake.

Oh Sure, your tattoo sounds lovely - and so does your nana Thank goodness that you had her in your life. You are going to make it through this you know, and go onto be a lovely Nana to someone too, one day.

Your tattoo sound like such a perfect way to demonstrate how much you have grown and developed as a person over the years - I love the sound of your nan and the robin.

Are you back home now?
Feeling any better?

Yes, you're home.
I should really try to switch my brain on from time to time…
Sorry.

So glad you're home and safe.

I hate going to the gym. I freaking hate it.

At first. But I developed a mantra: "Every time you go, there's a bit more muscle helping you out for the next time, and a bit less fat slowing you down than the last time". Can't say it's turned me into Twiggy or Arnie, but it helps to develop the good habits, get me past the slump.

Every time you do something strong [in the head and heart], you have something else to hold dear to yourself and say "I did that". Keep going at it and eventually you'll have so much good stuff you won't have room for the bad stuff. You have to consciously keep at it until thinking well of yourself becomes a habit.

I guess it's a really long way of saying "fake it till you make it".

Yep, I miss her.
I'm at home.
I am just wondering if i can put off getting him arrested until i get my head together.
PO bringing statement for me to sign 1st thing.

I just don't know if thats what i want to do any more. I don't want to go back to him, I just want the least trauma.
I can phone provider and block numbers, if he continues, PIN notice to prevent him contacting me.

Sign it, then get busy to distract yourself.
Don't over think it, don't over-analyse it - in the words of Nike: Just. Do. It.

It will not get easier with time but there is a real danger that you'll minimise again. And then just leave it because it's less uncomfortable.
Just do it.

What would your Nan advise you to do?
How would she feel about how you've been treated and the effect it's having on you?

What would you advise a friend in your situation?

Longtallsally I would love to be like my Nanna, hopefully I'll be lucky enough to get grandchildren...
And have a little robin in my garden.

Can I be really honest? The longer you put it off, the harder it will be. You're already starting to minimise in your head what happened, convincing yourself that he's not that bad. Those thoughts will be harder to break.

The police want to help you, they want to keep you safe, keep your son safe, and deal with the man that abused you so awfully. All you need to do is sign your statement, the police will do the rest. If and when this goes any further, worry about that then.

I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you, and you're doing so well. Just focus on you and your son, draw your strength from him and how amazing he is, and the fact he is amazing is because of you.

You can do this.

Nanna would say " we're not having that sure ".

She was a wise woman - listen to her.
sure, we are NOT having that.
Your nan would want you to just do it.

I agree the longer you leave it, the harder it's going to get.

ilove, you're right i am probably minimising.
Pacific, it is the edge of the precipice.
It seems so extreme

I've done two sky jumps - whole 2 days of training, I was keen as mustard to do it, and still: when I stood in the open door of the airplane, it was just such a bloody unnatural thing to do, to actively jump out of an airplane. I mean, who in their right mind would do that? Voluntarily? Having paid good money for it??
I jumped. And it was brilliant.
Dithering longer would not have made it easier.
And that was something that I had wanted to do.

Leap of faith.
Have faith in yourself and your good judgement and jump.

Just do it

Definitely. Don't wait "until you get your head together".... Because you will never really manage that until after he has been arrested and it is no longer hanging over you. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you won't have the courage to do it until after you have done it.....as somebody said, fake it til you make it! So just do it.

Blocking his number and things like that are halfway measures that are going to result in him finding a way back into your life....and you have told us all repeatedly that you don't want that.

Get some rest now and deal with tomorrow when it comes. Courage....you can do this...find your anger and use it to support the powers that be to get rid of this evil, manipulative creature from your life. xx

Sure, sometimes the edge of a precipice turns out to be just a little hill.
Think of your lovely nanna, your robin and that little acorn who is going to become a mighty oak, then just sign. No analysing, no considering - you've done all that.

I like the sky-diving metaphor more than the "precipice" metaphor. Jux's "precipice turns out to be a little hill" is excellent (and in Georgian landscaping that's called a "ha ha" - very appropriate!).

sure - may one ask, how did he contact you yesterday? Have you not blocked every means, or has he created another FB account*? Or ...?

• if this, please report to FB as well as the police - you know they want to hear about this sort of thing.

If you see this chap, you know that everything will have been for nothing, don't you? You'll be back where you were and as soon as the rosiness has worn off, it will be business as usual with the abuse. Probably more so because he will be very angry that you held out so long.

Your role isn't to bear the brunt of abuse to make others feel better. That should not be the role of anyone. Unfortunately sometimes we get assigned these roles early in life, but you can stop playing that role. It really is for you to choose.

Personally I feel very, very sad if you go back to him. Sad for you, because your life will go back to being shit.

Oh, I love the little hill idea - reduce him to a mole hill; he's NOT a mountain.

Here's another one I like (I'll butt out soon - I don't want you to feel I am badgering you):

Have you heard of the Electric Brae?
It's basically an optical illusion. The road/landscape make it appear that it goes downhill when it actually is uphill (or vice versa).

The more you think what tomorrow may 'mean', the scarier it appears, when actually it is a further stone in your road to freedom.

Ok, now. I am done with torturing metaphors the Electric Brae is awesome though. Your DS would love it.

It seems so extreme

There is a reason for that and that's because it was an extreme thing to do to you. And yet he didn't stop to think about you before he raped you, did he?