Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Its like i can't see past him.
What if i don't want him to leave me alone?
Can't see past it

Part of you is quite likely to not 'want' him to leave you alone - it's all part of the number he's done on you and your sense of self

You cannot see past him - of course you can't. You don't have to. Accept this is how you are feeling just now, but Do Not Contact Him.

"Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them."

from here

What you are going through is psychologically speaking not much different.

Had typed a message but lost it....bloody phone!

Sure...you have been doing brilliantly....don't throw it away now. Try and distract yourself with something as suggested. If you contact him he will have won and will ramp things up until he has you complete ly under his control again...you dont want to live like that.

Re read the threads.....see how far you have come. You can do this and you and your son will have a brilliant life without this abusive rapist bastard bringing you down.

Courage dear heart....courage xx

Exactly it

Oh....and yes yes to Stockholm Syndrome type thing....it does not mean that you are weak Sure....everyone who has followed you on these threads is in awe of your courage and strength in dealing with the horrible situation you are in xx

Breaking Free - support group with part of your title in the name

I haven't contacted him.
But I want to.
I want him to know what he's done, I want to ask him why. I want to actually see him.
I don't know if I'm ready for tomorrow.
I don't know if I want him to leave me alone.
I don't know if I want to get him arrested.

But you do know, actually. You're just having a wobble here. Go back and read your very first post, and then keep reading. You'll get all the reminders you need that he is not reasonable, and you cannot get him to see what he has done to you. Somehow he's missing the gene that would allow him to understand your feelings and the affect of his actions on you. You can feel sad about what you had hoped for with him, and maybe even sorry for him. What you cannot do is contact him and start explaining. Stay strong; you know you can do this! It's like one of your presentations: you get those last-minute scared feelings, but you actually do know you're ready and you know how to do this. Go girl. But don't go backwards.

It almost sounds like a heroin addiction, doesn't it? You know it'll end up killing you, but you're crawling out of your skin for it.

Please block his number and his most recent FB profile. Its insane he can still get messages inside your house and inside your head.

I haven't got time to think, can't go back and re read it all, I'm still at DS dad's on my phone, no wifi (just phone data) and we will need to leave soon.
I feel so out of control.
I havent had time to sit quietly.
Find it difficult not getting time alone for a long while.

I can understand addiction.
It also feels nice and comfortable and familiar because it reinforces what I'm used to- my role is to facilitate others' lives by bearing the brunt of their abuse and making them feel better.

I think i just want everything to stop for a while

Your role is NOT that! Not bearing the brunt of the abuse, no no no! You will be helping others by PUTTING A STOP TO ABUSE! your own included.

It will stop. Just one more day of being strong; you are so close. He is not that fluffy warm comforter you need, he is a hard spiky abusive stone who wants control back. Just one more day, love.

Take your boy home, make some hot chocolate, wrap yourselves up in a duvet and cuddle up on the sofa watching a film. Order pizza or something.

Self abuse also feels safe and in a way comforting, confirmation that yeah i am a piece of shit, i deserve it, it's what i know.
I am trying so hard.

Jux, thanks.

Sitting alone in the conservatory. When I get in the car and leave here, its the last time he'll, we'll have a chance to see or speak to each other.
Because tomorrow morning the police will come, and i set in motion putting things between us forever.
I know for you guys you're like "..and thank fuck for that"
But its very different for me, and i can't make head nor tail of it.
I'm shaking.

Sure you're reminiscing over what you WANTED life to be like with him, not what it was actually like. Of course it's hard. But you're nearly there. And we're here to hold your hand until tomorrow - and afterwards as well.

Please Sure, walk away from him, for your son's sake, even if you can't do it for yourself right now.
X

Sweetheart, please do read through your threads again, and cut and paste the section about how scared you were, how trapped you felt, how you cried but he carried on anyway.

He was persuasive, charming, attractive - and he treated you terribly. You considered suicide at one stage to get free. You deserve so much better than that.

Yes, you loved him. Yes he seemed wonderful at times. But like that cup of coffee, he was poisoned, tainted, bad for you.

You are missing the good times. You are still in the early days following your break up and you are still mourning the loss of your dreams. But you are also starting out on a new path, where your ds will not have to grow up seeing him mum afraid of her partner, or see her mum hiding her fear in the relationship.

Best of luck to you from tomorrow onwards. We are still here, and understand that you will continue to need to talk, to question, to get reassurance.

Thank you. I am reading everything. It is going in.

Pleased to hear it You have come such a long way, in such a short time: it is bound to be a huge shock to your system. And you have such a lot of history behind you, which has prepared you to accept this man's 'love' rather than to believe in yourself, and to believe that you are worth better.

I wish MN had been there when I gave my heart to someone who trampled on it again and again. He was not nearly as bad as your man, but I couldn't see past my feelings, my needs, to believe in a better future, a better relationship. I'm a big romantic at heart, and gave a decade to him, hoping beyond hope that we would have a happy ending. It's a decade I'm never getting back.

What time does your ds come home? Enjoy being with him, enjoy the rest of your course. Don't let any court case prevent you from doing well in that, and in building a new future in which you and your ds can be whatever you want to be. Enjoy - and keep posting!

You are NOT a piece of shit.
You do NOT deserve it.

No no no no no no no. You aren't and you don't.

Look at your son. Look at him. You made him, you made him beautiful and lovely and lovable and sweet and kind and gentle and gorgeous. That's what you deserve, that's who you are and what you are, the woman who made that lovely little boy, the woman who mothers him and teaches him, the one he turns to when he wants a cuddle, a smile, comfort, when he falls over, when he gets a gold star. THAT'S WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!

Sorry to shout

Oh sure - this is so sad. Please please consider therapy of some description.

FunkyBoldRibena I've been going on and off for 2.5 yrs.
Clearly not working!

Or get another therapist!