Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

I followed the structure he put in and changed the words so it felt more like me talking. Re wrote most of it. I doubt it will ever be perfect.
Him being arrested seems so far away.
I still don't understand what i ever did to him.
All over the place again today.

You are an intelligent truthful woman. You are not going to lie in your statement because you don't. If you write down what you experienced, how you felt, how you were affected, then whatever you write will be true and right; it can't be wrong.

What you did for him was be available for abuse. Not your fault, his. What you did then was get away. A victory, not a fault at all. You blew his twisted world apart. Go you!

Let the statement be your truth, your bid to end his place in your world. In my opinion it doesn't really matter if words are different than you'd like to use ordinarily. What matters is their intent. To get rid of this abuser from your life. Keep your focus, sure

There is a bigger picture here and I worry that you will bring minimising into your statement - because of that horrifying truth Lois spoke earlier, which sent shudders of recognition down my own spine.

"You probably expect to be punished or belittled or to have it all completely denied, going by what you've said about your family life"

Well to Hell and beyond with all that!

Well to Hell and beyond with all that!
Tipsytrifle, love it!
The support I've received on here has been amazing. I am always reading.
You stop me from sliding back again.
Even if I don't go any further today, at least i haven't gone back.

Even if I don't go any further today, at least I haven't gone back.

That brought an enormous smile to my face, on your behalf. At least you haven't gone back. Face forward, fix your eyes on your goal, and keep stepping in that direction.

You are great!

I'm really gutted at the moment. I want to understand why he would do this to me. I do believe at times he loved me, but he's so fucked inside that he destroyed it.
I'll probably be fine tomorrow but right now its all welling up and i just want it to be alright.
This is where he'd be lovely and promise to change.
Having a cry
I just want a cuddle. There is no one to cuddle me. There won't be either.

I don't think you could go as far back as where you came from, sure

One day at a time.

It's more What You Didn't Do [to] Him

You didn't stand over him (and you're 6'4" to his 5'3" or so) with big meaty fists, saying: "Don't fuck me when I don't specifically say 'Yes Please' ".

For this, almost all women are guilty. Are we all to be punished?

Or can you, in your capacity (and that of the completely legal channels), educate this git in what is/not reasonable behaviour.

It's not what you did. It's what you're about to do. Which is, sadly, needed.

Ah sorry, x-post!

Well, do cry for what you've lost - the idea of what your relationship could be like, not the reality.

I know it's not the same, but could you snuggle in with DS?

None of us know what the future holds - don't catastrophise - being on your own I am sure is hard and horrible for you just now, but also gives you space for healing.

{{Big Hugs}}

I can't go in DS' little bed, I'm sobbing and sniffing and snotting and I'd wake him.
Pacific, there's space for healing, yeah. A lot of people have a mum, or a sister, or a friend that could hug them, or speak to them.
Thats not catastrophising, just a fact.
Being on my own isnt hard, ive always been that way.
I prefer it. I just wanted a hug from a human that likes me, there isnt one forthcoming.
I'll deal with it.

I am sure you will deal with it. Such a shame you have to though.

and promise to change

Empty, empty promises. Just meant enough to get you back in place. Just continued enough to make you believe that this time he meant it. Just true enough that you almost believed he really loved you and wanted things to be different. But none of it was true. What is happening now is true.

PS - cuddle yourself. Sounds flippant, but totally not meant to be. You're freaking brilliant: who else but you (and your freaking brilliant DS, natch!) has earned the right to cuddle you?

Some day, you'll find some other people (and probably a Special One) who can give you the cuddles you deserve. Until then, know that the strength that you have is enough.

And all of us MNers are sending you cuddles. But you knew dat...

Thank you

I'd hug you if I could, and am wishing great things for you and your ds. You are being so brave. If you need to cry, make it a 'good' cry, washing away sadness and pain and making room for love and happiness.

You're so kind, thank you. X

You deserve kindness. I hope that you are starting to realise that, and that you also deserve to be safe and happy. And you deserve to have love and joy in your life. Your strength is amazing. Things are bound to seem overwhelming so please be kind to yourself. You will get there.

Love and joy - absolutely.

In Spades. And Diamonds and Clubs and Hearts.

Sure, the problem you've got is the problem far too many of us have got: You've spent too much time with people who think that being sensitive to other people's problems and issues are a weakness and a weirdness, not a nice and normal way of being.

And, don't get me wrong. Being sensitive to the point of not being able to function might not be very good. But that's not you - look at what you've done, even without much support! You've done education (we all know your mum probably thought you incapable). You've extricated yourself from a bad relationship. You've raised such a brilliant son, he's looking to do sign language.

You're not the asshole. They (all those who didn't support you) are.

You're the opposite of an arsehole, whatever that is.

"Opposite of an arsehole" - ?cake hole

I could live with that…

How are you doing today, sure?

Cake hole

I'm ok, thanks for asking.
Walked to lectures this morning under a bit of a cloud, metaphorically and literally, it was pouring, and as I left my beautiful ruffley umbrella in Bastard's car boot making my escape after the B&B, I just walked in the rain and got soaked.
Walking past the park I stopped to listen to the rain on the trees and felt so much better.
There was a quiz in our lecture about research methods, and Halloween (to make it more interesting, I think!), and I got the highest score out of 58 people, and won a cute Halloween bird thing with some chocolate which cheered me loads, i'll save it for DS for a Halloween present

Got an email from PO, he has to hand it to PO's in another county because that's where the B&B is, and that's the main offence, apparently.
To me the main offence is him causing me to have to live with that cornered, hunted, panicked, walking on eggshells, regularly gutted feeling for nearly 5 years.

I doubt he'll be arrested for some time, to be honest.

Taking DS to his dad's this weekend as well, to see his cousins (his side, obviously, apparently my sister has a daughter, but I've never met my niece, nor DS his cousin).

Hoping Bastard won't be hovering in his usual haunt down the hill from DS dad's village.

Even if he is, you've handled it before and can handle it again sure.

Maybe it would be a good idea to make sure there is absolutely no reason to stop until you get to your DS's dad's house though....

True, more evidence of harassment if he does, anyway. Hanging on to that. Trying to make it positive.

Congratulations on quiz win I never win anything

I agree with you, his true crime is how cowed you've had to live your life for a long time, but I don't that that counts as a criminal offence .

Hope your weekend goes smoothly and without the need to record more evidence….