Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Oh please don't feel you have to say sorry to me - I was just having a pathetic half hour. It just brings back horrible feelings.

I'd rather you concentrate on saving yourself. From what you say, you'd done quite a lot towards saving yourself from a whole soup of toxicity already. Your mother sounds absolutely evil.

Keep going. You are in my thoughts.

Sure, you've made me hope that there is a Heaven, and more importantly, a Hell.
No wonder you minimise. Keep reading your thread. Such good advice, and totally agree about the adrenalin crash.

I'm working on my police statement and its making me feel ill

Chin up. You are totally doing the right thing.

Sure, you are one strong woman!! You are a bit like the war hero: it's done with now, you did the right thing and got through it, but there are hidden scars and someone looking from the outside cannot see what's underneath the clothes.

But - past mis-treatment does not mean you deserve mis-treatment! And I can tell you don't want this type of stuff around your child!!

Reading your post made me very very sad that ANY child would be treated that way, ever. Do be kind to yourself, please. And yes, you will feel ill working on a police statement, because it dredges up all this past stuff, but at the end you should feel so much better. Do keep going, so you get to see what your future holds. I'm betting on you!

Also, doing the police statement may feel like "not being good", but it is good for you. By "not being good" I mean that it's probably the sort of thing you would have expected to be punished for as a child - standing up and telling the truth, bringing shame on the person hurting you. You probably expect to be punished or belittled or to have it all completely denied, going by what you've said about your family life.

But the support you've had from here and from the police show that that is all in the past. This is a different world now.

" You probably expect to be punished or belittled or to have it all completely denied, going by what you've said about your family life "

Definitely. That is exactly what I expect to happen. Wow.

And possibly "he" will deny it. It doesn't matter. Your truth has value.

I don't know if he will deny it.
He'll kick off at being arrested, but he'll be really hurt that I've told the truth, cause then he'll have to face it. And it doesn't fit AT ALL with the way he sees himself.
But i'm not lying. I'm not lying. What will happen?

I don't know. I haven't been in such a situation. All I can suggest is you keep posting here - we are like a noticeboard, but supportive too.

I hope he admits it cause then I wont have to go to court!
From being on here I am beginning to realise the amount of men that think they can just do what they want to women, and it makes me so angry.
Ditto the shit parents.
I guess that's why I want to redress the balance by going into a career where I can support and enable, and to be the best parent I possibly can.
Made DS' 'eyes do happy watering' yesterday because I told him I was very proud of him for what he's doing at school (wants to go to lunchtime sign club so he can communicate better with his hearing impaired friend in his class) and that he's a wonderful person and i'm so proud to have him as my son. Its all true though. He is a good person. I'm just being honest about how I feel. And it felt healing to give him what I never got.
I'm trying my best.

I know THAT feeling. All my parenting-life has been about trying to be the reverse of my parents. I still got a whole shitload of things wrong, but it was calm, there was love, no violence, no fear, lots of books, lots of hugs. I still cannot relax into a sense of well-being because I'm so hardwired to expect the worst to happen in the very near future. If we can give our children the gift of not expecting the worst, because they've never experienced that atmosphere of dread, then we've done ok, I think.

And well done to your son and to you! Excellent!

You sound like a lovely mum, Lois.
Funnily enough DS also has bookshelves crammed with books, and we love reading together and sharing things. The TV gathers dust quietly in the corner and he is always listened to. Reverse- parenting! :)

Sure - you are not fucked. Amazingly, incredibly, by your own efforts, you are not fucked.

And you will not fuck up your wonderful little boy.

Please tell us that you are NC with the whole lot of your evil vile family?

You are doing your best. Good luck. I hope the bastard who thought he could do a bit more to you, is punished for it, well and truely.

I'm a "good enough" mum. That's all you need to be really. Good enough, and loving and caring. You sound like you have really got a handle on it too. My thinking was that the buck stops here.

Please tell us you're NC with your evil ... family

What captainmummy said, with bells, sideburns, mullets, draylon and every other 70s thing on. They don't deserve the brilliance that is you or your lovely DS.

What everybody else said.
So eloquently - to all of you who were able to share your own stories.

Wrt minimising - yes, gonnae no dae that. I have nothing to add because everybody else is right and you know you are right and you are stating the truth and we all believe you even though we don't even know you .

The flip side of that is catastrophisig: stop doing that too.
Yes, it sounds like your upbringing was hugely abusive and damaging to you, but are you fucked up? I don't know, but you don't sound it. Wounded and scarred, but strong and recovering. 'Reverse parenting' should be a recognised phrase for people growing up/living with abuse being wonderful parents. You are taking steps to re-gain yourself and to be protective of your DS. You are engaging with him, you are taking an active, loving and supportive role in his life.
Did you happen to see the 'well-rounded children' thread? All the kind of stuff mentioned on there if sounds like you are doing. In spite of the shit you have been through.

You are so NOT fucked.

Oh dear, what a morning.
I should be in lectures but I came home after a morning round someone'd house for groupwork and just seething over the casual racism. I can't stand it. But do I stick up for whats right or avoid making an atmosphere in the group?
Ended up giving one af the girls a lift - one from last year whom I really like, and she asked me what was up. I ended up telling her that I wasn't going to the afternoon lecture as I am working on my police statement and why.
She was great. I trust her not to tell anyone else in the group. she'd young but her head is screwed on and she's quite worldly. She said she was proud of me, which my tutor said as well! Seems to come up.

Anyway, i'm sitting mulling over my statement. I doubt he'll be arrested til next week anyway now, but I want to get it done. I am so worried ive missed something, cause the policeman had got it all wrong, and used language I don't like, like that 'he' was "going on at me" instead of something i'd prefer like "verbally aggressive", "pants" instead of "underwear" etc.
Also he said I said things that I didn't, got all the details wrong about more than one incident, so I have had to re-write the whole thing, and I am worrying its not good enough.

You own words and recollection is what your statement is all about. In many ways the PO should ideally only be your 'scribe' and the content should all by yours.
Do change/rewrite everything you are not comfortable with or what is inaccurate.
I have recorded statements/taken histories before and it can be quite hard to remember every accurately or to the the 'tone' in the way that the narrator intended IYSWIM.

What you write or your corrections are absolutely going to be 'good enough'.

I am SO worried about it, Pacific.

Of course you are - it's important and you are taking it seriously.
Which is right and proper.
But don't allow it to overwhelm you and make you freeze - deep breath and then carry on.

Would it be easier for you leave the PO's statement be and just write a new one from scratch?
Or take 'bullet points' from his effort and use them as a frame which you can then flesh out with your own words?

You write eloquently here - I am certain that you are up to the job.

Its the ' not being believed' thing again, isnt it?

Probably yes. Just say your truth in your words.

Might be.
Or the fear of getting crucial homework 'wrong'?

It's not an exam, there are no right answers.

Yy to "your truth in your words"