Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

if he were normal he would have stayed away the very first time that you asked him, many years ago.
think how many years of your life he has wasted by ignoring your requests to leave you alone.
Thats HIM fucking YOU over.
Did he care?
Did he stop?

No.

So now you are just asking someone else to make sure he stops this time, to make sure he listens when he thinks what you say doesnt matter.

Just a reminder of why you are doing this….

He told me his last gf used to complain that he was constantly harassing her for sex. I have wondered about contacting her cause I understand he called her a cunt and shoved her out of his door, and wouldn't take no for an answer when she dumped him

I've got a feeling he's watching me. In my dream he was banging on the doors and windows like in the old days. Feeling cornered

I won't have anyone checking up on me, monitoring my every move. I won't have to sit there calming myself in my head while he towers over me, teeth grinding, face contorted, jabbing his finger at me, he won't be able to! No more texts about what a cunt i am. No more emails, no more guilt tripping that i won't do what he wants, no more being a "fucking bitch" that has to push him and push him until he snaps, no more sitting compliantly, singing to myself in my head while he screams and rants for hours, no more take downs, insults, accusations, bitter rage. No more editing my life in fear of him finding something to kick off over. No more lying on my back crying while he has sex with me, knowing I'm crying

No more limiting myself so as not to upset him. I am allowed to go to uni, and i am and i will

No more watching everything i say in case he starts a 3 hour rant

No more clinging to the car door handle panicking as he weaves in and out of traffic full of anger

No more worrying in case someone cuts him up in the car or walks in front of him and he starts tailgating them or screaming out the window that they're a fucking prick.

He needs to be stopped. That is what you are doing. Keep going

Just had a message from police saying cause my phone is so new, they need a different machine to take the texts off for evidence which is somewhere else,and they cant do that til Monday!
Plus they'll need my phone all day which is just not possible as I am a single mum and I need my phone on me in case DS needs me in any way.
I don't know what to reply.

I can't be without it 08:30 - 4. It's just not ok, what if school or childcare ring? His Dad is in another county.

...and then does that mean its another week til he's arrested??

Facepalm

You can manage without a phone for a few hours. It's just we're so used to having one it seems unthinkable. Until the year 2000 I didn't have a mobile and my daughter was 14 then. I managed for all that time up till she was 14 - just make sure the school/childcare have some number where you can be contacted if necessary. Or just explain to them you won't have a phone. It will be ok.

Ask the police if they have a spare phone body that they can lend you in the meantime, then get a free SIM card from a phone shop (or one that costs a fiver). Put a small amount of money on it and make sure the school have the number. That should do the trick.

If anyone else wants you, they can wait!

Alternatively, is there anyone you're friendly enough with to ask if you could borrow an old phone? You're a student, surely there must be a group email for your year: maybe send a round robin saying you know it's unusual but please can anyone lend you a phone for the day? They'll know you by sight and it's not like you're going to ditch the course, so someone might help. I used to work at a uni and saw emails like that all the time - never thought the worse of anyone for it.

That's a good idea.

I am so flustered i'm not sure i'm thinking straight!

Glad to help, I'm only procrastinating working anyway

Hope your wibble has passed and you are happy with a possible phone solution (just as an aside: it's not that long ago that people did not have mobile phones and parents were not reachable at all times…).

You are NOT fucking him over - he's don't that to you in the past and you are taking steps to not allow that to happen again. Whatever happens to him is HIS doing, not yours.

Don't let a technicality like the phone thing sway you - keep going; you're doing a sterling job

You fucking HIM over?

Come on OP - he is an animal! A nasty stalking rapist animal.

You're not not not fucking him over, Sure. You know that really though. How can a rapist be fucked over? He gets what's coming to him.

Second the cheapo sim and 2nd hand handset, or police spare. Only ds's carers and the police need to contact you that day. Uni will find you in lectures/on campus. Everyone else will wait.

You'll be fine

I just think well- i could leave it.
He WOULD go away, esp if I just put a PIN (police information notice) on him.
Then it could just pass into history and we could both move on.
Not sure why i freaked over the phone. I have always been alone with DS, even when I was with his dad, and I find it hard to trust anyone with him. I have to, but I do worry. It didn't occur to get another one. Not quite right today!!

You can pick up very very cheap PAYG phones from Tesco - £10 for a basic phone that calls and texts. Top up the sim it comes with, and give that number to the school if you're worried.

Alternatively, if you're on a contract, speak to your provider, explain that the police need your sim, and see if they are able to send another one out. To be honest, speaking as a police officer myself, I'm highly impressed your force can do it in a day, ours takes literally months!

I'm a single parent too, and would also be lost without my phone, but there are plenty of ways around it.

I just think well- i could leave it.

You could, yes. But what message is that sending him?

He WOULD go away

I'm not convinced of that. I'm also still so sickened by what you said he fantasised about that it - well it makes me feel terrified on your behalf. This man fantasised about fucking your dying body, in a wound of his making. That is so fucking sick and scary I'm not sure how you can even contemplate "just leaving it".

Then it could just pass into history and we could both move on.

1. He doesn't want to move on except in terms of upping the many and varied ways to abuse - he is "fighting for you"
2. You are minimising his abuse again and degrading the strength you have to be other than a victim
3. He won't move on while ever he has your half-toe in his cage. Why would he? From his point of view there is still hope you will give yourself and your child to him.

Has he received any papers or dictats from the police yet?

This cannot be history til he has gone and someone somewhere has signed a thing saying he must leave your life. He cannot be history until you have shut him out of your life.

Did you forget the value of your Fear so soon, sure

Yes, I'm worried that you are minimising. It reminds me of dealing with my mother after she'd been beaten senseless (yet again) by my father. I'd be traumatised and desperate to get her to leave and she would after a day or two get all sentimental and reflective and say "oooh well...he's not THAT bad".

Sorry - I'm getting too involved here, because it brings up some very traumatic feelings.

My point is, he (your he) is that bad. Stop minimising it because it seems to be a bit further away now. He has done dreadful things to you and "letting it go" should not be an option.

I'll shut up now, because it upsets me to see this pattern.

hugs atcha Lois Don't apologise for how you were abused either please (you were, alongside your mother, just in case you thought to argue)

I think so too. Though certain members of my family seem to have Disney-fied our childhood which is very disturbing. It feels like no-one - even those who were there - believe it happened.

Did you forget the value of your Fear so soon, sure??

Read the thread again, sure.

Hi sure. I was pointed towards your thread and have read through both this one and your previous. I made a comment on somebody else's thread yesterday that another poster thought you might find relevant, so I'll repeat myself here if you don't mind?

"...don't be surprised if you crash/slump dramatically over the weekend. You've been running on adrenaline and at a heightened state of alert for such a long time now that when it is no longer needed, your body will suffer physical withdrawal symptoms. It is easy to mistake this feeling of withdrawal for regret but you know you are doing the right thing and knowing the crash is likely to come May help you avoid the worst parts of it."

I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like you've just reached your adrenaline crash. Let everybody support you through this, and please continue to use the legal process to get this horrifying man out of your (and your son's) life.

Thanks, DocMcStuffin, excellently put.

sure, this is where you need to keep talking to us and any IRL support you can get your hands on. Your WA contact, your tutor, campus counselling. Provided they're familiar with abuse issues, of course.

No, Sure, you couldn't just leave it. You are stronger than that.

Lois I am so sorry it upset you, and I am sorry you had to go through what you did when you were a child.

I hear what you are all saying.

*I have messaged the PO what he said about the fantasy.
*I have seen a phone at argos for a tenner so I am going to get one later today.

From listening to you all, I guess I am minimising it. Thinking about it, this is always what my mother did regarding anything that she did to me.
One minute she'd be stamping her feet like a toddler and screaming in my face how much she "fucking hates me" (I was 13 at the time) and how I've "fucking ruined her life" (because her disgusting toyboy boyfriend left her) and "why am I even here" and the next it would be do you want a cup of tea.
She's rip up my school work cause it was "in her way" then act like nothing had happened.
She'd watch her boyfriend call me names, chase me up the stairs, drill the locking handle off the bathroom door to get to me, shake me til I couldn't breathe and threaten me that "something nasty would happen to me" unless I went to go and live at my dads (who also expressly said he didn't want me but would go on to take in my abusive bitch of a sister) and then when I crawled to her crying would say "you shouldn't have made him angry" ( I walked away from him when he was talking).

She threatened me, screamed at me, manipulated me, broke my things, read my diary and laughed at me, hit me, ignored me for days as a child even when I spoke or touched her, threw things at me, ridiculed me, took me to a psychiatrist when I was 15 because she discovered I was cutting myself with razor blades and rubbing dirt in the wounds (though insisted on sitting in on every session and when he said he'd need to speak to her boyfriend, she took me out and stopped the sessions), she has always told me I've got "mental problems", when DS was born she criticised everything I did, shoved her way into the room and got in my face when I was having a terrible 23 hr labour even though I expressly said to her I didn't want her there (I was in so much pain I couldn't even talk to get her away)
One time when SHE was 30 mins late to pick me up to meet her sister, she started screaming how I was making her late as I was putting baby DS' coat on then when I asked her to stop screaming at me she said "what kind of mother are you?" and threatened to ring social services on me and get DS taken away.
My dad told me once when I was little I was in the bath crying because of my ears (chronic probs and now hearing probs) that she lost it cause I "wouldn't shut up" and starting beating me and he had to "drag her off me".

Whenever I tried to bring it up and ask why, I was "making it up" or "i'm the one with mental problems", or "you're so over emotional".

So I guess that's how I got used to just filing it away. That's why I don't speak to her any more, because like Lois I can't pretend its the "Disney family" she wants.

There's also my sister, my father, and his wife thrown into the mix, but i'd be here all day.

So when I got adoration and princess-treatment from 'him', a bit of abuse that happened and then was minimised and brushed under the carpet seemed almost....normal.

It still does in a way.
I know that's fucked. I know I am fucked.

Way

to

vent

Sure!!!

Don't get me wrong, reading that was some of the most horrific memories I've seen for ages, but I am rejoicing that you're so clear-headed! After so much abuse, it's amazing you're still standing, let alone being the brilliant woman and mum that you are.

Stay strong. We love you.