Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Just from some of your posts on this thread, and you know there are plenty more on your previous thread:

I knew he was a wrongun 4 months in. I told him over and over it wasn't the norm, he was out of order etc. My mistake at first was to try to understand it (i always want to blimmin understand everything) and to help him (i know) And then it really was a case of he wouldn't (and still won't ) let me go .

I have just been reading about how controlling men can't or just won't take rejection and stalk their exes and sometimes disable or kill them. Not that i'm saying thats what 'he' would do, but the fact he was following me and approached me twice on sunday has freaked me a bit. Thats not something i expected and i feel like he's escalating. It sounds dramatic but my son is number one and i need to be here for him

He told me his last gf used to complain that he was constantly harassing her for sex. I have wondered about contacting her cause I understand he called her a cunt and shoved her out of his door, and wouldn't take no for an answer when she dumped him

I've got a feeling he's watching me. In my dream he was banging on the doors and windows like in the old days. Feeling cornered

The other thing that keeps me going is imagining him with my ex-friend and how vile that all was… I had cried to him about her... He'd said " fuck her, her loss". I didn't think he meant HE would literally fuck her! What he did was designed to wound

I won't have anyone checking up on me, monitoring my every move. I won't have to sit there calming myself in my head while he towers over me, teeth grinding, face contorted, jabbing his finger at me, he won't be able to! No more texts about what a cunt i am. No more emails, no more guilt tripping that i won't do what he wants, no more being a "fucking bitch" that has to push him and push him until he snaps, no more sitting compliantly, singing to myself in my head while he screams and rants for hours, no more take downs, insults, accusations, bitter rage. No more editing my life in fear of him finding something to kick off over. No more lying on my back crying while he has sex with me, knowing I'm crying
No more limiting myself so as not to upset him. I am allowed to go to uni, and i am and i will
No more watching everything i say in case he starts a 3 hour rant
No more clinging to the car door handle panicking as he weaves in and out of traffic full of anger
No more worrying in case someone cuts him up in the car or walks in front of him and he starts tailgating them or screaming out the window that they're a fucking prick .

Still feeling sorry for him? Because you can bet that he never feels sorry for you, and your own difficult childhood etc. Your sympathy is completely wasted on him. Him sleeping with your ex-friend proves that he just uses your vulnerabilities as a weapon against you. That is not someone who loves you, not someone who has your best interests at heart, and not someone you can be with.

She reminded me of when she gave me a pair of proper curtains for my window, because he's been outside spying on me.

She reminded me of when he told me how he fantasised about slitting my throat and fucking the hole while I died. He "wouldn't do it, obviously, but he majorly fantasised about it" and masturbated over it.

Those were the points where he frightened me, and I blocked it out.

Thank you again. Re-reading that was quite powerful.

he just uses your vulnerabilities as a weapon against you
Yep, I hadn't thought of it that way.

OMG tell the police that immediately! That is very, very serious and if he has fantasised about that, I think it massively increases the risk that, when he does finally accept that he has lost you, he would react violently.

I'm not surprised that you blocked it out, but so good that your friend remembers and will give a statement to the police supporting you. I'm so pleased to see that you do have someone else backing you up IRL.

Do you really think I should tell them? He would just say I was lying or that it was just a fantasy. He did say he would never do it.

What I mean is, is it relevant? He said it probably over a year ago, more.

He hasn't threatened me with it, or mentioned it since, really.

you only need to tell someone something like that once though, dont you.

Its terrifying enough to not need repeating.

He said it. That would be enough, for me. I'm not saying ring 999 right this minute but definitely mention it. Yes, it's relevant. Were you trying to leave him at the time? What was the context? Although TBH the context doesn't really matter, it is so sick.

The context was that we were talking about sex, and things we thought were quite horny. He has the most incredible bum I've ever seen, and I was saying I love biting it (Sorry TMI) and he came out with that. I told him he was crossing the line, and he dropped it.

I mean, who wants to be told something like that. Why would he want to do that to me? :(

And once again, repeating what you said:

the fact he was following me and approached me twice on sunday has freaked me a bit. Thats not something i expected and i feel like he's escalating. It sounds dramatic but my son is number one and i need to be here for him

Just be careful. Keep your phone on you and don't think twice about ringing the police if you think you're in any danger. They will believe you and they won't think you're wasting their time.

The idea that someone could even come up with a fantasy like that... Let alone tell the "victim"... OMG.

Yes, tell them! No harm can come out of you telling the police, whereas real harm could come of out of not telling them and them not being aware of what a truly sick individual he is.

Once again: I have just been reading about how controlling men can't or just won't take rejection and stalk their exes and sometimes disable or kill them.

He is controlling. He won't accept rejection. He is stalking you. There is a risk here and you need to do everything you can to protect yourself.

Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh, it's just so shocking.

Just posting to say thinking of you, sure.
Keep riding the troughs of those wibbles and enjoy the peaks of when you are feeling good.
No need for a relationship until you are good and ready for it.
Glad your tests were negative.
That's a horrific phantasy - you are right, he is NOT normal or healthy, but you cannot change it nor did you cause it - please tell the PO about it: it's another small piece to the bigger jigsaw of his dysfunctionality.

What I have been thinking about since Friday, is what the PO said about that there is a reality he could come out of all of this with charges thrown out of court, possibly a caution.
"Rape conviction rates are extremely low, and its your word against his".
"Its not as serious because there is no threat of violence, if it were harassment with violence involved, it would be taken much more seriously".
"As you only ended it on the 23rd sept, he hasn't been harassing you for long, and none of the messages are abusive".

Because of all of that you have to get as many little jigsaw pieces on record as possible - everything your PO said is sadly true and he sounds like he wants to pain a realistic picture.
And still the more information you can add and get on record the more the picture will become clear - no matter whether there is a conviction in the future for whatever, if 'he' ever does become more violent towards you or even if he 'just' persists in harassing you, you have more grounds to fall back on.

It sounds like your PO was playing 'his' devil's advocate a bit tbh.

I did ask him to be honest with me.

It just doesn't seem to sum up the last 5 yrs of what he's put us both through.

I guess a restraining order is the best I can hope for, realistically. Its better than nothing.

Anything is better than nothing.

From what I am reading, the MOST important thing is the detaching you have been doing. Any conviction is a bonus, no doubt, but you need to keep going on your current path.

The best revenge? A life well lived

You're right, change starts with me.

Be brave, Sure, or rather braver! That fantasy had me shocked and horrified, terrifying. Please tell the PO.

Sure - please tell the PO all of these sick fantasies he has told you about. Although it is painful to relive the memory of them, he needs to know it all.

What a complete and utter cunt.

That "fantasy" of his has to be the sickest thing I've read in a long time. How could anyone masturbate over that? The man is beyond evil.

Hi sure

Is your friend going to mention that incident in her statement? If so, that is a very good thing. I think that if it just came from you then there would be a risk that the PO would suspect its accuracy; he might think that you were saying it in order to be taken more seriously.

I'm not saying that it's not accurate (I believe you!) but the police have to suspect everyone's motives, sadly. If that information is coming from an external source then that makes it more likely to be believed, IMO. So if she is going to mention it, that is brilliant. Of course you should mention it too, but corroboration of evidence is always nice (speaking as an ex-scientist) :)

How are you feeling today?

In a lecture.Having a major wibble.
Feel like I'm fucking him over.

You are not fucking him over!! You are trying to put something in place so he will stay away from you and your son, and he has done some awful things that make you afraid of him. He should not have done any of it, to any one, ever... so he has done this to himself!!

Please stay strong. I've seen men get a talking to from police and restraining orders for far less... His behavior is not your fault, and you do need to feel safe.

Courage to you!

You are not fucking him over!! You are trying to put something in place so he will stay away from you and your son.... He should not have done any of it, to any one, ever... so he has done this to himself!!

This, with bells on.

Ignorance is not a defence in law, so even if he didn't know that it wasn't ok to rape you (or at the very least have sex with you when you were lying there crying, having said no) it was still a crime and he is still answerable for that crime.

Do you really think he'll go away, change his ways and never do this to anyone else again ever? Really?

You're doing womenkind a favour, seriously.

Sure - stay strong! Wibbles are totally normal but you are most definitely not fucking him over....he is bringing this down on his own head because of his own revolting behaviour towards you.

You have told him no. You have told him go away. You have said to leave you alone. You have stopped engaging with him completely. And yet, he is not getting the message. He is not listening. He is not interested in what you want.

You have told us, time and again, that you no longer want this man in your life. Stay strong, let the greater powers do their job and lean on us for support.

Get rid of this nasty man once and for all and then you can live your life the way it is meant to be: free from fear, free from intimidation, free from heartache and free from abuse.