Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Ugh, sure, so awful for you. The odds are he is not actually spying, but like pacific said, if you really feel he is about, call the police.

The other possibility with 'the other man' thing is that it serves to justify his anger and how he is acting towards you, it sets him up as the wronged party and enables him to feel like his behaviour is your fault.

I think, by his last text, you can see how detached he is from the reality of the situation. I mean to pester you continually for two weeks with no reply and then to even consider you might respond to that...

It must be horrible to hear from him but it also must help to feel you've taken the right course here, who knows how long he could keep up this low level harassment, not putting himself out at all, just sending a few texts, but keeping you in a state of heightened anxiety.

This breaking away is going to be the hardest time, but you've taken all the right steps to ensure it is dealt with as effectively as possible, and that it will be over with for good one day.

The storm will pass, sunshine again soon

He's up for NO STRINGS SEX?!? I am howling!

Oooh, laughing boy, you're in for a surprise.

sure - what I love about the latest developments is your reportage. It's clear to see that you're detaching! Am so proud of you (hope that didn't sound patronising).

Thanks both. Now had another one saying ignore last one, not true, and asking if I'm really cool for it to be over?
Guessing my scary copper friend will answer that for him.

I guess I'm detaching more because this is the behaviour that made me hate him before, that dragged at my very being..the relentlessness, the accusations, swapping from one thing to another.. just on and on...and on...

That's exactly what it seems like, sure, he's just trying anything to see what 'works' on you. He doesn't even need a response to egg him on. He'll just go round and round, upping the pressure until you cave, then treat you like crap again. It's just the chase and then the control over you he wants.

Except this time, it won't happen

Spookgremlin- that's why I'm glad of the WA and police involvement. The consequences if i go back are different now than before i went to them.
Ditto the support I've had on here. Pointing out the reality of things, to oppose the untruths and persuasions swirling in my head put there by his insistence and kept there by my low self esteem.
This time will be different. Its terrifying but necessary. Like someone said- better this than waking up in another 4.5 years with him in complete ownership and nothing left of me at all.

Ok, I see he has retracted the offer of no-strings-sex (attractive as it was of course ) - in your/his situation it really is the equivalent of sending an unsolicited knob photo (I don't get that either - euch!)

In some ways I am almost glad that he is so consistent and true to his genuine self because by being so relentless and annoying he is actually helping you to detach

Exactly! I almost want him to keep going cause it really does make it easier. I think the retraction of the no strings sex offer was meant in a 'romantic' way as he wants more than that apparently.
The other thing that keeps me going is imagining him with my ex-friend and how vile that all was. I'm imagining him messaging girls like he's done before, bleating about me and how much of a victim he is.
That helps!

Yes, what an awful thing to do, designed no doubt to cut you off from someone who might have been a source of support or whom you may have confided in about him.

And yep, five years down the line you'll be congratulating yourself on your lucky escape, not wondering how it all went so wrong. Except no luck involved, you've done it all yourself.

She was a very ex-friend prior to him tracking her down to sleep with. I had cried to him about her, i didn't understand why she just dumped me when DS was so very ill.
He'd said " fuck her, her loss". I didn't think he meant HE would literally fuck her!
What he did was designed to wound.

You are sounding so much stronger now. I can really see how you'd be good at presenting in school!! and isn't it interesting how feelings and insights change with time away from someone who abuses? You're really doing well,and like the others said already, you will be soooo glad you got away from him.

Yes, the reality checks this time have been invaluable. This would have been the point at which i may have cracked usually.
Indignation at the accusations, desperate to point out the real reason I can't take any more. Wanting him to know how hurt i am.
But not this time. It has to be different.

Oh, even worse really .

Horrible man, and that's the least of what he's done to you.

I hope it's getting easier to see now though, agree with whitsernam you are sounding so strong and together. Soon you will wonder how the hell it all happened to you. You just need time - the more normal life rolls past you the more these instances will seem crazy and kind of surreal.

Yes, view him like a toddler - even negative attention is better than no attention for him. He is seeking your attention by whatever means possible.

Ignoring him is so powerful, the most powerful message you can send except a copper to his door.

Good to hear you sounding so strong and clear, sure. He really is making it easier for you, isn't he, with his utter dickheadedness.

Interesting that you say this is the point where usually you would have caved, because you wanted to get through to him, make him see the real you essentially. This time you are realising that you'll never get through to him because he's terminally unreachable. You are losing that longing to make him see you. This is goooooood!

Btw, my thoughts on feeling cornered as you wrote earlier is that some of your feelings from the past few years may start to surface now you are really getting free of him. We often numb our feelings when we're in a traumatic situation, just to be able to cope, and then once we get to a safer place, those hidden feelings can emerge.

That may be what's going on and it may go up and down like that for a while - it may not, of course, but I thought I'd flag it up as a possibility, as forewarned is forearmed. And of course I absolutely agree that if he does show his sorry face anywhere near you, call the police immediately.

Also, what a nice post that was at 09.31 yesterday!

Just to clarify - when I said "you're losing that longing to make him see you", I meant make him "see" you in the emotional sense, see you for who you are, not physically see you!

I think some of the hidden feelings will emerge, yes.
I had a strange lightbulb moment when i was in WA on friday and was talking with my support lady about that he probably won't get convicted of rape and she said "At the very least you'll be granted a restraining order" and it just dawned on me....He'll have to stop.
I won't have anyone checking up on me, monitoring my every move. I won't have to sit there calming myself in my head while he towers over me, teeth grinding, face contorted, jabbing his finger at me, he won't be able to! No more texts about what a cunt i am. No more emails, no more guilt tripping that i won't do what he wants, no more being a "fucking bitch" that has to push him and push him until he snaps, no more sitting compliantly, singing to myself in my head while he screams and rants for hours, no more take downs, insults, accusations, bitter rage. No more editing my life in fear of him finding something to kick off over. No more lying on my back crying while he has sex with me, knowing I'm crying.
No more limiting myself so as not to upset him. I am allowed to go to uni, and i am and i will.
No more watching everything i say in case he starts a 3 hour rant.
No more clinging to the car door handle panicking as he weaves in and out of traffic full of anger.
No more worrying in case someone cuts him up in the car or walks in front of him and he starts tailgating them or screaming out the window that they're a fucking prick.

I could go on for hours. But it stops, whatever happens he'll be made to leave me alone. For the first time in 4 years he will have to leave me alone.
The WA lady nodded and said with a massive smile "Yeah . You're free from him" and i just crumpled.

Amen to that
And I am not even religious in the least.

You have come a long way, woman

I'm so happy for you sure! You've been through enough with this man, time to start enjoying your freedom :)

It is enough isn't it? Its enough . I'm done now.
I'm going to relish every bloody moment. Getting through this court thing is gonna be hard.
I'm sitting in bed with a book and a gingerbread rum, so glad I don't have to share with anyone. I'm so pleased just to be , and not have to explain myself to anyone, or worry that theyre in a mood with me, or do anything i don't want to.
Ever having a boyfriend again just seems like a horrendous concept right now

It will take time for those feelings and memories to fade, but they will. It will seem like a different life altogether

Thank you Spookgremlin. Loving the seasonal name change

I only did it so early because of the others on this thread, I'm such a follower!

Gingerbread rum sounds delicious, and what are you reading?

Yep, got the gingerbread rum in M&S on friday as a treat after a bit of a day . I've got it with a mulled wine-style apple juice. Rather nice!
I'm reading The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck. I read Of Mice and Men on my Access to uni course and loved it, so I'm checking out more of his work.
I am loving this book, can't put it down, he's a great writer. Its like you're there. And you keep wanting to know what's going to happen.

Sure, your post up there, the 19:53 post, that post sums up why you never want to have anything to do with again. It would also be worth printing off and giving to your policeman friend, if you can bear to.

for you.

Yes, it is enough. More than enough.