Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

You would have always been looking over your shoulder. It never would have felt finished.

There will be a point when the sadness you feel will give way to anger and resentment as you process it all, and doing things properly, and legally, gives that its proper outlet, and draws a line under it so it doesn't eat you up.

It takes a long time to lose the hunted feeling, don't underestimate the impact it can have on you as a person. You've done the right thing.

I wanted to log in earlier when I read about you making your statement and the decision, made by others, what was appropriate. I wanted to log in to go woohooo!!!! You have done something wonderful for you, dc, other women and, in the long run, perhaps for him too. I couldn't log in because i don't know how to or if i can do that from my phone (I was at work.)

You really have to force yourself to believe them when they say what he's done is illegal, criminal behaviour. If you don't believe in society's mores and customs how will you teach anyone right from wrong? Where the lines are? XP doesn't know - but it's time he learned what's ok and what isn't. And if he won't/can't then that makes him a dangerous psychopath.

So now you're doing the "what if" dance. What if you hadn't gone to the police and what if you were in his clutches arms for the next 4 yrs. And what if he moved in with you because by then you would be utterly compliant and your dc a mess. Of course he would make sure you knew it was all your fault. Thing is. It kind of would be. In that scenario where you chose to be with him.

What if his last "i love you" text was him letting go. *Ahem - where is your actual evidence for him being in the slightest bit likely to let you go? Doesn't all your evidence indicate the opposite? That text was as it was. Reclaiming the space between you with his luuurve. How could you resist? Isn't that all a man has to do? Say he loves you and that's it, deal done no matter what the cost?

What if he'd been a decent law abiding man who didn't rape and control, harass, intimidate, hurt and pester on and on and on and on ....

Well he might have been fit for purpose. But he isn't.

Let it go for now, dear sure.

Let others take it from here.

oh goddess I've gone on so much, too much. Really what I would like to say is ... you're amazing!!!!!

I appreciate every word
He's been texting tonight. Latest one saying he takes it I've moved on and good luck, he hopes it works out. This is a theme.. it couldn't possibly be that I've dumped him because he's been a shit to me, it must be because i'm having it off with someone else!

What he thinks is ALWAYS wrong. Which is why his behaviour is always WRONG. Sleep well tonight, dear sure. He won't be bothering you for much longer. Maintain radio silence!

Yes, on reflection, it is probably a tactic to get me to reply as usually that riles me right up and I have to tell him that no, no one else, it was actually just his behaviour.
Putting phone on silent. I don't think i'll sleep much tonight, but thank you tipsytrifle you are a sweetheart. Sweet dreams to you.

Sure:

Have you been missold PPI?!?!? REPLY NOW!!!

And that's what should be going through your mind when you read his texts. Oh, that and "another one for the police fodder".

He does NOT care about you, he doesn't even know you. He's just carpet-bombing any shite he can bother to punch into his phone to try to get a rise out of you.

I haven't said this specifically before, but, based on how "attentive" he's been since the latest rape, what must be going through his alleged-mind is that he knows what he's done, and he's hoping you're at least OK enough to not report it to the police. And the more you've been non-responsive, the more he's shitting himself (but still hopeful that you'll be a compliant doormat). What a lovely surprise it'll be for him early next week. Which is why I posited earlier that he's very unlikely to contact you after he's been arrested. Because by then the deed he'll finally Get It that you mean it this time.

Of course, you're more aware of his techniques than any of us, so feel free to hone, but, generally, he's just trying to sell something. And you ain't buying.

If you want to text anybody, PM me and I'll give you my number.

Yes, I'm starting to see that. I'm glad he was texting me into the early hours because a) its more evidence for my policeman friend and b) him throwing accusations about how its amazing how fast I'm shagging someone else just makes me realise how deluded he is. Not feeling sorry for him any more. So its good!

Liking that update! That's definitely "seeing the light and breaking free"!

Btw, you still rock

Oh, goody, you not feeling sorry for him any more - that's my girl!

But, on a more serious note, yes, your emotions will be all over the shop for a little while. Have I done the right thing? What if he does change and I've taken that chance from him? Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought? Etc etc.
Nothing wrong with thinking about things, but do not go round and round in circles.
There is nothing wrong with how you felt in this damaging relationship and everything wrong with the person who made you feel like that. You have taken appropriate steps to protect yourself and your DS (you have NOT stolen his bunny and boiled it or whatever dysfunctional things people get up to at times when they are badly hurt).

Please do get some help to work on your self-esteem and self-worth and self-love - helping others is a great and very satisfying thing to do (I work in a caring profession and it gives me wonderful satisfaction), but if you do it to fill a void in yourself, you are in danger of falling in to said hole when for whatever reason there is nobody there to help.
My mother is like this - if she cannot/is not allowed to 'help' (which mean doing what she feels is helpful, not necessarily what would actually help) she is totally and utterly lost, gets tearful and angry. This dynamic is slowly eroding her relationship with my DB and his family.
Please help yourself, so you can help others from a position of strength, not your own need.
I hope you don't find me saying this hurtful - 'its truly said with kindness and experience of the kind of hurt this can cause all parties

Thank you Talking. Slow process i guess.
DS dad coming here to get him (i don't want to go to his county as i don't want to bump into 'him' again- and no doubt he'll be looking out for me)
So as much as I'll miss DS I'm going to distract myself and go into town to get him some new fleecy pjs as his spiderman jumpsuit is nearly at his knees
Might have a look for xmas presents and just window shop.

Pacific - not taken the wrong way. I understand what you are saying.
When I say I enjoy helping others, I suppose I mean that out of all the jobs I have done, I found the caring ones the most rewarding - and they made me feel like me. That's why I chose the degree i'm doing. Because I believe in doing the best for others that I can , and I know I have patience and good problem solving skills, as well as a natural empathy for those who may be disadvantaged in any way. I know I will be good at what I do when I qualify. Because I believe in it. Because it makes me feel like me and i'm good at it.
When it comes to others, outside the professional frame, obviously I try to do good deeds, such as checking people are ok, stopping to help etc. But I am not of the ilk that needs to help. Because I find that invasive myself. I don't get upset if my help is refused at all. So no danger of being like your mum, Pacific.
Really, the only time I get angry is when DS' dad puts him at risk, or lets him down, and I have to manage my expectations there, as well as DS'. And I try not to let it get to me, and find practical ways to problem solve- because I cannot change him and his shitty ideals, just as I cannot change 'his' cognitive processing. I just need to change how I let it affect me.
And this is why I am on this journey

Ah, good, you've got the helping thing on a good grounding .

Have fun in town today.
I had a child free day yesterday and wandered around town here - the only money I spent was on a fancy coffee (and my train ticket, I suppose), but it was fun! And I have some Christmas gift ideas.

Have a lovely day!

Oh how lovely. So nice to just 'be' and wander. Fancy coffee sounds nice too.
I just love this time of year so I might go round the park if it stops raining (without having to spend ages at the playpark )

Gonna get some lists on the go too :)

I'd just like to say that you're all wonderful, and I wouldn't have got as far as I have without you.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me

We all just like to help….

I've been reading this thread and your first one and I wanted to say thank you for posting it. I am in similar situation and have just started divorcing my abusive husband. Hearing you voice your doubts and your high and lows helps me to know it's ok to feel like that and that I will come out the otherside.

Thank you

Pinkandpurplehairedlady I am so glad this has helped you. That's made my day.
How far along divorcing him are you? Hang in there
As posters have said on this thread, of course you are going to have feelings still for him or you wouldn't have got together, wouldn't have stayed, tried to make it work. Thats why it's so confusing
It is hard to get your head around why someone who "loves" you is abusive to you...gonna take a while, that one. It's hard to accept.
And we will come out the other side. X

He's admitted adultery (turns out as well as coercing me into having sex with him he was visiting sex workers) so now I'm waiting for him to return the acknowledgement of service. So far he's being nice but I doubt it's going to continue........

So sorry, what a shit. Can you get him to move out? You are doing the right thing re divorcing him..hang on to the vision of you being happy and free from this crap one day. Although in the thick of it, it's hard, as i am finding. But you're making steps towards it.

He's at his mums, one of his girlfriends posted a picture online of the two of them in bed so for once his mum is on my side.

That is so out of order. Hope you're ok. What has his mum said about it?

I've been dreaming about him.
I think I'm worried at how he's reached this conclusion that I've moved on to someone else. He always says it, but i don't know if ita to get a reaction or because he's been spying on me somehow and thinks he's "seen" something ( i don't know what, he's pretty good at misconstruing everything though).
Its an insight into how twisted his brain is.
But I've found myself making sure the curtains are shut tight, looking for his car up the street, etc
I've got a feeling he's watching me. In my dream he was banging on the doors and windows like in the old days. Feeling cornered.

You must be seeing somebody else or at least be interested in somebody else because otherwise why on earth would you not want to be with wonderful 'him'?

That's his thinking - there can be no other explanation for you to really, truly not want to be with him than that there is Another Man. Because you on your own would never cope without him, would you now??

You are so well rid of him.
Now you just have to get rid of him out of your head space - easier said than done.
If you have any inkling that he is actually nearby, don't hesitate - CALL THE POLICE and let them know.
It's a shame that you feel cornered in your own home. Hopefully that feeling will wear off soon

Oh Pacific, thank you. Yes i am well rid of him.
You're spot on- of course there's someone else because otherwise I'd be back with my tail between my legs ready for round 107 of the cycle. He can't see his own behaviour as bad-and that worries me.

Just now had a text telling me he's up for no- strings sex!!!!
He really cant see it... i feel ill.