Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

lovely!

lively OK, but not what I meant.

Sure you are awesome. Well done.

runs in shouting and leaping about a bit<
trips up over Zombie<
Rescues self, balances and steps back right onto Pedant's toes<

Seriously - well done with knobs on. Superstar.

Wow that's amazing and so so wonderful
Welcome to a life free of worrying that this taunt is going to turn up unexpectedly
Wish I could see the look on his face, he never believed you had it in you, so happy you proved how strong you really are

Yay! Well done sure!

Loving the autocorrect for 'twat' there nettletea

So do you have any idea when it will happen, sure? Will the police give you a call to let you know he's in custody, or does it not happen like that?

PO writing up statement today/monday, i have to physically sign it, then he's going to arrest him personally.
He'll be taken in and questioned to get his side of things. He'll be in a cell for at least 12 hrs apparently. Then bailed.
Then CPS consider everything. We go to court. See what happens. Likelihood of conviction for rape unlikely. He could get off with a caution overall for harassment.
But at the very least there'll be a restraining order.

Probably arrested next week.
He's going to go mad. He'll hate me forever.

I don't think anyone's ever loved me. Apart from DS and he kinda has to.

I don't feel triumphant, i just feel completely gutted. I do still have feelings for him despite what he's done, it was good and we were really close. That's why I'm so gutted he would try to destroy me.
I'm sorry that i had to go this far. I'm sorry that he pushed it this far. I wish in a way i could talk to him and explain why i had to do this.

You DS does love you because you are his mother, of course he does. But in the same way that your love for him is unconditional, his love for you is just that - a given, a constant, always there.

I am sorry that you don't feel that anybody has ever loved you before - that is such a sad thing to say .
By getting rid of this scumbag in your life, you have however cleared the way of being open to real love if/when it comes your way.

If he goes on to hate your forever, then that is further proof that he has no insight in what he has subjected you to and put through and is further evidence that nothing would have changed had you stayed with him - other than that you would have withered and died a bit more inside every time he subjected you to emotional or sexual abuse. In time this is very likely to have been damaging to your DS - you are protecting yourself AND your DS by doing what you are doing. It is not your responsibility to not make 'him' hate you - that is entirely up to him.

You are very likely to experience another 'slump' after the build-up and excitement of today - please be very, very kind to yourself. This when lots of carbs are required [Ben+Jerry's]

Kids don't 'have' to love their parents, sure - I refer you to the Stateley Homes thread for evidence of that. Your DS loves you because you take care of his needs and PUT HIM FIRST, always. Plus you must have other qualities he loves, like being funny mummy or making the best toast ever - you know, the qualities kids respect and admire :)

'He' will probably be a bit bloody surprised, to say the least. I imagine nothing like this has ever happened to him before, so it is very possible that he will be sufficiently scared by the experience to back the fuck off. The fact that you will have a restraining order in place is comforting too - he sounds intelligent enough to understand the ramifications of breaching that, which means he'll take it seriously and not come near you. And if he does hate you, well, the hell with him. His opinion is not relevant, as it is coming from a very very biased place.

I think you might be surprised at the ways your life changes once this toad is out of it. You won't have to think about him anymore. Think about all the energy you'll have, all the other things you might be able to focus on. Truly, this is a new chapter in your life sure, and I hope/think it'll be a great one.

I don't know.

He is a person, with feelings, like everybody else. Where he differs is in not being able to express those feelings in a healthy, normal way, or to ever put someone else's needs before his own. Being the mother that you are, you know that putting another first is the cornerstone of love. He destroyed any possibility of a genuine connection with you in favour of trying to possess you, and that is down to a problem with him, not with you, or with love.

You are young and lots of your time has been taken up with this man. It is not representative of you or what your life could be.

From now on, you should be asking if people are good enough for you, are they worthy of you loving them.

You've accomplished a great deal today. Chin up.

Sootgremlin you're right, that's what's sad. That I thought he loved me- I'm sure he thinks he loves me but he just wants to possess me. To own me.

I've said if before: 'love' is just a word, it's utterly meaningless to say 'I love you' when the phrase is not backed up by loving actions. Respect, consideration and, you know, not hurting people is what 'normal' people do when they want to show they love somebody.

Wanting to possess and own somebody, is the height of selfishness. And often born out of a sense of entitlement or extremely low self-worth. I don't think it is worthwhile tying yourself in knots too much about what 'his' motivation may or may not have been - he was damaging to you and you found a way to make that stop.

Kudos to you

Can I ask : what age are you? Roughly? I am just asking because you sound as if your life was over, when really your Life has only just begun .

sure, we all love you! But even if you can't take it, take the love of your wonderful son. And take your own love of yourself.

I'm sure you know from the police that you MAY NOT contact him. Obviously.

Anyway, talking to him - what TAF has that ever accomplished? You could do this until you're blue in the face (you have!) and he just won't listen. He may still not believe you (and even if one syllable had sunk in, it hasn't affected his treatment of you). But he will take heed of what the law has to say. I wouldn't doubt for a moment that he'll never contact you directly after that visit. Of course, if he does, call the police again.

No means No and sometimes No means (has to mean) You're Nicked.

You were really close on his terms, and it wasn't really good. There may have been moments of good, but they were in between the harassments and rapes. It was the shit coffee.

But of course you still have feelings. Even if he not been pestering you all these weeks (keeping him right smack-dab in your headspace), you'd still have some nice thoughts. You're not a robot, you can't just switch these feelings off like a tap. And of course you're sorry that this is where it had to come to. That's what makes you a lovely person, not a monster.

Pacific is right, love is meaninglessness with people like him. It's a trump card to let them get away with shit behaviour. Manipulative people try to use the word love to make the person they are abusing feel obliged to cut them slack. You're not obliged to do anything to benefit him, you owe him nothing. You owe yourself and your son a chance of a happy life free from abuse.

The police are taking it very seriously. That tells you what you need to know.

Well done sure......bloody well done! You are brilliant and brave and there are sooooo many people on mumsnet who are so very proud of you today. We know you are sad about the end of the relationship but you know it just wasn't right. In time things will get easier. You have done the right thing. Be kind to yourself. Your life is going to be brilliant.

Thank you all
Pacific , i'm 33. Old enough to know better

Ah, young enough to have a happy life ahead of you

Sorry I had to ask - I know your age had been mentioned somewhere a while ago.

The only way is UP!
This is the first day of the rest of your life.
Thinks can only get better.
Keep on keeping on.
.
.
.
I can keep going with cliched claptrap for some time, but it's also all true.
You DO know better and you've acted on that knowledge.
You may need to learn to love yourself a bit more which will make you less vulnerable to falling for the next best Charming Man.

I think I definitely need to work on my self esteem, yes.
I don't know if I can love myself. I am pursuing a career where I will be able to care for others and that helps. It fills the hole. Serving others makes me feel useful, which pleases me.
I don't feel like falling for anyone else's shite. I'd rather get a pet!

I just keep thinking.. I could have just let it go, why did I go to the police?
If I had stuck to ignoring him this time he would have stopped and we'd go our separate ways.

But you don't really know what he would do. And wasn't he just texting you this morning? So he's not just going his own way; he's still working on you. And - what will he do to the next woman he thinks he "loves"?? You may be saving an innocent woman from the same kind of grief he's given you. But basically, you're just protecting yourself for the future, and you do deserve that. Standing up for yourself is important, and will feel better in time. Right now you're not so sure, but the police only act when they see something that is concerning, and they're acting.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. You have no idea how many of us wish we'd taken action sooner than we did....

I know. It is hard to see it when you're in it.
It will be five years in January and I am just moving towards getting out of this. ..and I know I am lucky.

We'll done, Sure. Your emotions will be all over the place, and it would be unnatural not to question yourself - all the best people do! - but particularly in these circumstances. Expect to feel the whole gamut, and plan for it a bit. Plan some nice treats, doesn't have to be anything big, a favourite chocolate bar for instance, or doing something nice with ds.

Is there a counsellor at Uni? There often is; you could ask your tutor. I think counselling will help you a lot, especially in the light of your last few posts. Freedom Programme will be useful when you can get it.

Do be kind to yourself. He's been awful to you, and got you seriously miserable. Now is the time to be really sweet to yourself.

OK, XXXXXL hug coming your way now.

Go easy on yourself, sweetheart. Hope you're getting some rest now.

Things will start to seem different after this, just take one day at a time for now.

We really are so proud of you and so pleased for you that you have the hope of a new life, now you have started to stand up for yourself. Like you've said, it's very, very new for you to do that. It's bound to feel weird.

But it's still a brilliant thing you did today.