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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

994 replies

surereadyforchange · 01/10/2014 15:18

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

OP posts:
PacificDogwood · 16/10/2014 20:34

I have no practical advice to offer, sorry.

Wrt the 'venue' go with whatever you feel least uncomfortable with: clearly there are pros and cons for each option. It is such a personal thing what you prefer - personally I'd rather be in the safety of my own home (provided you can have your DS out of ear shot?), but that's just me.

You are being very brave.
Bravery is being scared and doing it anyway Thanks as said above.

I hope you get some sleep tonight and find the process tomorrow cathartic rather than traumatic.

tipsytrifle · 16/10/2014 23:25

It's late and you had a landlord visit. I hope that went ok. I know you're probably worrying about tomorrow but I just wanted to whisper you some positive vibes for a new dawn, a new defiant stand in the face of everything that tries to oppose your life and happiness ...

ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 07:40

Thinking of you today sure - you can do this.

surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 07:54

Landlord, his son and an electrician were round for ages last night, i got DS into bed and fell asleep cuddling him about 8 and woke up at half 6 thinking shit!!! I haven't prepared at all, feeling sick to my stomach and just had to lie down so i didn't puke.
Its childish but i wish this would all go away now, i haven't heard from him in 2 days so maybe that could just be the end of it
Got to go and sit in a lecture at 9.....my head is a mess Sad

OP posts:
surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 07:55

And thank you for all your kind messages, i am listening to every one. Xx Thanks

OP posts:
Spookgremlin · 17/10/2014 08:06

Oh you poor thing, I can understand you feeling that completely. You might just have to cross the finish line on this on a surge of adrenalin, perhaps the idea of preparation and thinking of it all too much has paralysed you a bit.

Or do you think you might postpone it?

Hope you manage to clear your head a bit.

TalkingintheDaaaaaaark · 17/10/2014 08:13

Why don't you give yourself a break re the lecture and use the time to get your head together? What time is your appt?

Like I said yesterday, it may well be that you just need the bare bones of what has happened for today; evidence such as emails etc would be needed further down the line if it actually comes to trial. This is your statement, not the finished case for the prosecution...

Anything you can take along to show them what you mean more clearly would be great, of course, but at this stage I would hope that it's enough you tell them your story, and all the responses you've had from police/WA so far seem to indicate that your story alone is strong enough to proceed on.

If the PO is experienced in dealing with sexual assaults, they must know that it is very traumatic for the victim and they're not going to expect you to be "professional" about it.

I don't know if you like hugs... So this is optional, but if you do, there's a very, very big hug coming your way today! And if not... Better have some more Thanks Thanks. Zombie's right, you can do this.

Jux · 17/10/2014 08:18

A good long sleep is pretty good preparation for anything, Sure, so it will help even if it's not the sort of prep you were thinking of last night.

Take essential notes, documents. I'm sure that if you say there's lots more with notes at home, that'll cover you. I'm also sure that many people give statements after running to a refuge with only the clothes they stand up in, and things get covered with far less even so.

Good luck today, I shall be thinking of you. Imagine hundreds of women standing at your shoulder, united in righteous indignation on your behalf! Take deep breaths. Thanks

ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 09:08

If you've got access to a printer (either at home or Uni) maybe print your op from the first thread and take it with you. That'll serve as an initial summary, if you want/need it.

surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 09:45

Thank you, all hugs greatfully received and appreciated- rare these days.
I have emailed my head of year and said that I just don't think I will be any good this morning and she said that's fine and to be strong.

I am really questioning myself. Is it as bad as I have made out? Will I just be making a fuss about nothing? Am I lying ? That's how twisted my head feels this morning.
It would be really helpful if you could remind me of the REALITY of what he has done, and remind me why I am doing this.....

OP posts:
surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 09:49

*Gratefully - oh dear I am really not right!

OP posts:
ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 10:00

sure, I hope I'm not overstepping, but here is a section from your op on the first thread:

I came out of the shower and told him I wasn’t happy about how he’d acted last night. I explained how sore I was. He said “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more do you want me to do?”.

I said that he has said sorry so many times before that it has lost meaning for me.

I am sick of him always thinking he can take what he wants from me.

I have been in this situation so many times I have lost count. It feels normal.

Since then I’ve had the usual messages ranging from I’m sorry, I’ll change, to “we’re obviously sexually incompatible” and “you just can’t handle my desire”.

sure, it is definitely that bad. This^^ is emphatically not usual for relationships. It is abusive, illegal and flat-out wrong.

ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 10:01

Also, you have miles of email evidence. You're not lying!

surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 10:09

Yep, good, keep it coming! Thank you!
I am trying to rationalise going to the police right now.
Like, maybe if I just fully ignore him he will get the message. He has already sent me a message a few days ago saying sorry and goodbye.
Because I always went back before, if I just don't go back this time, that could be the end of it.

I could just let it go.

OP posts:
TalkingintheDaaaaaaark · 17/10/2014 10:20

Well done for emailing your tutor, really glad to hear you did that, and her response.

Yes it is as bad as you have made out, and worse.

This man raped you. Rape is a very, very serious crime. One of the most serious crimes there is.

No only that but he has also subjected you to nearly five years of emotional abuse and sexual assaults (and I think you said earlier rapes too?), that's five years of treating you like an object for him to use.

And each time you've tried to break away, he's harassed you to the point you've given in and gone back, he's made false promises to you again and again about how he will change, but this last time when you said clearly you were too tired and didn't want to have sex, he just had sex with you anyway, while fully aware of how much you didn't want to, not caring at all what physical or emotional pain it was causing you. That is rape. Sex without your consent is rape.

Please believe us and not that voice in your head that says you're lying! Remember that voice is the voice you've always used to protect yourself from the painful reality of what he's done, because you had no support to help you through it before. You have support now. It's different.

You need to think of that voice in your head as a damaged child who coped in whatever way she could with abuse in childhood - ie denial - and has carried on doing the same as an adult. You wouldn't let a child make your decisions for you now as an adult, this is the same. The adult/parent in you knows what the truth is, and knows what to do.

If you had a daughter and this happened to her, I know you would believe her and fight for her. If you had a mother worthy of the name, she would believe you and fight for you. Sadly you haven't, but you've got us. We believe you. xxx

ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 10:21

If you do what you've always done, then you'll get what you've always got. He has form for clinging on and on and on - there is no guarantee that he won't pop up like a jack-in-the-box for one last round of 'Don't you love me' in 2 days' time, when he's drunk or had a chance to be buoyed up by his mates with assurances of 'She can't mean it mate, she'll have you back, she always does' etc.

If you speak to the police about him, you will not only be protecting yourself (hint: you do deserve it) but any other poor woman he chooses to fixate on (and trust me he will not go off to live in a monastery after this experience - there WILL be someone else at some point). Hell, there might be one now, you don't know.

I think you know that this is a good thing to do. I can't imagine how hard it must be, but it is emphatically the right thing to do. Stay strong.

Spookgremlin · 17/10/2014 10:21

Reading your op back, on that one occasion you said no to him 4 times and he still carried on abusing you while you were trying to sleep.

He brought up the word rape. He's not confused at all about what he was doing, he was trying to make you doubt yourself though. You don't deny something no one has accused you of yet, unless you are trying to preempt the accusation.

Have you seen anything of the case that's been in the news recently? I won't mention the name in case it makes your thread come up when people Google the story. He was convicted and sentenced to five years and there was no physical evidence, and the woman in question couldn't even remember the events. She perhaps hadn't even explicitly said no, but she was deemed incapable of giving her consent, and he was deemed as having had no reasonable expectation of consent. The police brought the case, the woman didn't have to push it.

Just to give you some comfort, these thing are taken seriously. As Partridge says, you have email evidence, reams of text evidence of harassment, some of that of a sexual nature. You are important, your right to safety and possession of your own body is as strong as anyone else's on this earth. You are not a waste of anyone's time.

CatThiefKeith · 17/10/2014 10:32

Delurking to say stay strong sure, you have come so far, and good luck today.

Fwiw I really don't think he has let you go, he is just waiting in the wings. You can stop him, today. ThanksThanksThanks

TalkingintheDaaaaaaark · 17/10/2014 10:36

You said no. He waited till you were asleep, and so unable to stop him.

He deliberately, knowingly, repeatedly got you at your most defenceless.

How calculating and predatory is that?

surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 11:01

Printer has run out of ink.....halfway through printing my copied and pasted FB conversation.
I have emailed it to myself though so maybe they could print it at WA.
Timeline next

OP posts:
ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 11:25

Bloody technology! One would hope that WA would have a functioning printer, so fingers crossed.

Maybe also shove it on a USB key, if you have one (or a CD) in case their internet is down or something.

Although even if it is, you can turn your mobile into a WIFI hotspot and connect your laptop to the internet for long enough to open your email and access the document that way.

surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 11:26

Good idea Partridge about the USB! Saving now.

OP posts:
surereadyforchange · 17/10/2014 11:48

Well my appointment is half 12 so I should probably be leaving now. I feel fucking miserable.
Shall I take my laptop?
God I really have no idea what i'm doing.
Sad

OP posts:
ZombiePartridge · 17/10/2014 11:52

Take your laptop. Take the power cable. Do you have the WA address? Do you need it?

Take a bottle of water and something to eat (like a biscuit).

You are doing great xxx

PacificDogwood · 17/10/2014 11:56

Oh, sure, I am late to this but wishing you all the strength that I know you have Smile.

I do think you are over thinking this a bit now, putting all the pressure on you to be prepared and to not be overly 'dramatic'.
Well, I have not seen you post at all dramatically here - you have never embellished on these threads; on the contrary, you (like many victims of abuse) tend to try and rationalise events, excuse inexcusable behaviour and make light of what happened to them.

Just be You and tell your story.
I hope you find a sympathetic and helpful ear Thanks.