Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Ooh tipsy, I haven't heard the word drongo in years!

I know it won't go back in the bottle, especially once i make that statement. Its gonna hit the fan.
I am not used to sticking up for myself..i almost feel like they'll laugh in my face.

sure you will NOT be laughed at, I promise, the whole of MN promises!

zombiepartridge - ohhhhh what? drongo's out of date now?

I know they won't actually laugh at me..its the little inner voice saying "Why are you wasting people's time? Why do you think you're important?"
..and a little bit of my mother saying "oh you always were an over emotional girl".

Sure, we all get the messages on a loop from childhood. These are some of the things about parents that it is hardest to forgive because they stay with you for lift and affect you for life.

But do try to ignore them for now. Remember that the people you have spoken to so far about this are all in agreement about his actions. You aren't wasting anyone's time. Put it another way - how much worse than rape must it get before you think you are not wasting people's time?

for life not lift...

I think try and view it as tipsytrifle said - all you need do is tell them what happened to you, it is not up to you what happens next.

For full disclosure I didn't report my drongo. (Thanks tipsy) For a lot of the reasons you have said. The ignoring tactic did work, but after a long time, a lot more stress, stalking and general awfulness. I was so emotionally walloped by the end of it I did get knocked off track anyway and it took me ages to get back on.

The worst part was not being believed. I had a lot of witnesses to the behaviour in my case and one or two supportive friends, but to most people they thought I was exaggerating, over-emotional, had something to hide myself. "Well then why didn't you...?" That was the hardest to recover from. I wish I'd just slapped a statement on the idiot, whatever the outcome, at least the truth would have been out there, Scully, and a lot harder for him to ooze away from.

All that is not to tell you what to do. I don't know what's best for you. Or what will happen if you do or you don't. You know what's best for you though, and what you can handle. Don't let any other voices, even inner ones, tell you differently. Just don't protect him. Protect yourself.

Yep, that. Protect yourself. You need a forcefield of some sort that he can't penetrate. That's what the law is for.

Firstly, this is exactly what the police are for and they are usually pretty abrupt efficient at telling you if you're wasting their time. They haven't, so that tells you something.

Secondly, your mother probably had a vested interest in downplaying your upset because acknowledging it as valid might have meant that she'd failed you in some way and most parents just can't admit that.

Thirdly, I get the impression that you've tried to be as fair as possible towards 'him' when posting on this thread (citing good points, etc) and he STILL sounds like a dangerous piece of work. That is also telling.

As my Tunisian colleague used to say, Courage! She pronounced it coo-raage, which somehow sounds less old-fashioned and more inspiring:)

Hi, sure, I've just caught up.

Agree with everybody else - make your complaint official, make a statement, press charges and then let the PROCESS take place and decide what hie fate should be.
As said at the very start, if this 'ruins his life' (such a dramatic statement) then it was HIM and HIS actions wot ruined it, not you finally finding the strength to say 'no! enough is enough!'.

Courage (must be said with French accent and rolling 'rrrrrr' )

That Little Voice of Mother; it is responsible for so much . My LVM was always whispering "should" at me, "should have done X", "should have known Y" etc. it wasn't until I was undergoing some psychological testing (for a medical condition) and the neuro-psych remarked "you say that sort of thing a lot about yourself" that I even noticed, and my mother was not at all abusive!

So next time that LVM pops up, tell it firmly to go away, and try substituting another phrase, switch to something less pejorative and more approving, along the lines of what you would say to your own child. Be kind to yourself, there's no need in life to beat yourself up.

Hi sure - sorry to hear the bastard is still pestering you. Who the fuck does he think he is??? Nasty wee shite. Totally agree with pacific and others:

make your complaint official, make a statement, press charges and then let the process take place and decide what his fate should be.

Trying to get him to leave you alone isn't working....4 years of crap and abuse from this man has proved that you cannot do this without professional help. No reflection on you...this man is a nasty piece of work and needs stamped on by the full force of the law. Until that happens he will continue to be like an unflushable turd.

surely, every feminist cell in my being is weeping because I have to type this, but this guy is never going to take the word of some dumb girlie to leave you alone.

Good morning sure, how are you doing?

Just a couple of thoughts. Isn't there a quote somewhere about how bravery is not about not being afraid, it's about being afraid but doing the thing you're frightened of anyway. (I don't mean that book Feel the Fear and do it anyway, I'm sure there's another quote, but that's pretty apt too I guess.)

So what I'm saying... If you wait till you're not afraid, that time will never come, because it's only in doing it while still afraid that you move past the fear.

And if you look at yourself through any objective standards (ie not the warped prism of the emotionally abusive people it's been your misfortune to have around you all your life) you have done a lot of brave things in the last couple of weeks, things you were really scared of - picking up the phone, contacting the police/WA etc - ergo you are a brave person. So you can do this.

Re your mother's voice - that kind of comment is absolutely standard issue for emotionally abusive parents, it's part of their script, just like cheating husbands have a script. You're over emotional, over sensitive, exaggerating, it wasn't that bad, making a mountain out of a molehill - it's all your problem, basically. They always say that to evade taking responsibility for what they've done/continue to do, to avoid acknowledging that they are actually the problem. In other words, it is an absolute lie, and challenging these lies is an essential part of breaking free from him/them/anyone else who could try to hurt you in the future.

Which is my other point - (yes, there may be more than a couple after all...!) for you to look at your thread title again. Your thread title that you wrote. "Seeing the light and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'."

Seeing the light is about recognising the truth through all the lies, and if you want to break free from him you have to take action. The little girl inside you who's been so badly hurt by a succession of people, she needs and deserves someone to stand up for her so that the hurt can heal. You deserve this, and so does your DS.

Courage, in a Francophone accent, indeed!

Yes, i am worried about tomorrow..i don't really know where to start.
Whether to go to the police station or have them come to my house..
I'm scared.

I guess I'm just unused to sticking up for myself...and to start feels very strange.

There are advantages to making the statement at home: you might be able to talk better in surroundings that aren't clinical and official. You can go to the loo easier and put kettle on at will. There may be a sense of being in control as it's your space.

The big advantage to doing it at the station is that all this negative energy will be spilled and shared AWAY from the sanctuary of home. You can get all his toxic actions spewed out into a statement that you can then physically walk away from, leave behind you. It would be their stuff then.

Which of those options feels more do-able for you sure

What do you think you would feel better with? Are you more relaxed at home, or do you want to keep it 'safe' and separate? Would it be better getting up and out, geared up for it?

Can you jot down a plan for what you might say, questions you want to ask so your mind doesn't go blank on the moment.

No one who is in this situation knows how to do this, it is out of everyone's comfort zone, not just yours, it's absolutely normal to be scared. Most people will be upset or unsure of themselves doing this, but there will be a procedure to how these things go same as everything else, there will be guidance, it's not all on you.

Anything you are specifically worried about you can run through on here, for e.g listing all your evidence/timeline of the last few weeks to get things straight. This is your space, use it however you need to (obviously not in too much detail, but just a framework to help you order things maybe)

If you're at home you'll be able to snap up some papers or the laptop or similar, if you need refreshing on a point. Agree with kettle and loo elements of course. Your own environment might make you concentrate more.

Or it might make you concentrate less. Being at the station might give you the headspace you need to focus.

There really is no clear-cut "better" choice. You know your mind best, so go with what will make you happier.

sure maybe think of it as also helping to protect all the other women he might choose to victimise. I'm sure you care about the wellbeing of others, even if you're not sure how to go about caring for yourself. What you're doing is almost a public service, IMO, and also very brave.

I really wish I could bunk off work and offer to come and hold your hand (or make tea) but unfortunately I can't. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow though - I suspect loads of us will.

Thanks all. Been at uni.
Still not sure, can go to WA/station but what if i forget something?
However being at home will mean all the toxic shite spills out here in my living room....
I'll ask if i can go to WA and get them to list what I'll need?

Also any suggestions on what to prepare tonight would be good. Got Landlord coming round at 6 (separate drama).

Do you have a laptop? You could spend a few laborious hours cutting and pasting email conversations into a word document (for ease of reading), then save it and hand it over to the police on a USB key or disc. If you feel so inclined, you can take your laptop with you and have it there for reference - quoting dates and times as it were.

Maybe you could make it into a sort of timeline:

Met - 16th Oct 1997
Dated - bla bla
First aggression - this date
Broke up
Made up

You see what I mean. Basically it will be horrible to put together but could also be very, very useful for if you forget anything - you can just scan down on your laptop and there it'll be.

What's the landlord drama about, if I may ask?

Doing it at WA if you can sounds like a good idea. Also a good idea to ask them to list what you'll need.

My thought is that this is a first statement, not a definitive catalogue of absolutely everything that ever happened - if it does get as far as court, they will go into more depth, I would guess. At the moment, what they need is enough facts to be able to arrest and charge him, and of course the details of his current harassment of you.

I'm saying that in the hope it takes some of the pressure off you to "get it right", but I have to acknowledge that I have no legal or police experience so it's worth checking with someone who does.

Are your emails easily portable in some form? The current emails/texts are obviously very pertinent, and especially that FB message where he acknowledged what he'd done. But my feeling is that you telling them your story, telling them what you know happened is what this is really about. Zombie's timeline is a good idea, especially if it helps you get it clear in your own head, but I guess the crucial things are the rape(s) and other sexual assaults.

Again, my disclaimer... Sorry, I wish I had more practical, solid advice for you. But I'm really, really rooting for you, and I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Hope it's going ok with the landlord too.

Ps - I know you don't feel brave, but you really, really are.