Seeing the light, and healing the hurt. Breaking free from 'him'.

[surereadyforchange]

Hello, this is a new thread following on from my last one where I received lots of wonderful advice and support regarding the reality of the situation I was in with an abusive shit of a 'man'.
I am seeing things more and more for what they are now, but I still have along way to go
Old thread here:
Previous thread

Yup, still with you.

TalkingintheDark you don't even have to change yours, it already works!

Still here! Didn't want to pester, hope you had a good weekend :)

Still following and silently cheering you on.

Still here, how's things?

Don't think I need a Halloween change either!

Well, maybe just a teensy tweak...

Hehe, liking the Halloween names. Its my favourite time of year!
Yes, less said about DS' dad the better.
Weekend was good, i wasn't half as nervous on stage as usual, I kept thinking of the support you've all given here and it sort of carried me through, so thank you

I've had a few wibbles, and tears and wistful moments, but haven't contacted him.
Have, however, had some messages today where he has said "i know i was pushy, and i was stupid, but does that mean you dont want me? That you don't fantasise about me? " then goes on to a "sexy" message where he talks about what he thinks i fantasise about re: him, and then tells me to maintain my silence if i want but he doubts I'll get what ive had with him anywhere else.
Good!!

How is he still able to message you?

Pure shameless narcissistic arrogance on his part. Ignore. Ignore.

Hmm, sounds like he is getting worried and changing tack.

I'm partly amused but a larger part is concerned by that. I'm glad that you're speaking to the police again soon, sure.

How bizarre... Has he not been warned to stay away yet?

Yes, WA lady messaged me today saying did i want to make a statement on friday.
Still wobbling about it, i want him to have a good final scare, the police telling him to stop and him being confronted with what he's done, but i am still not sure i want to go to court and have all that stress and it affect my degree and DS.
It already is and those two things are my priorities.
I want him to know what he's done to me is not ok but i don't want him to go to prison and i don't want to go through having to go to court. It could be a year before i go. I'll be in my third year. It could wreck everything, not to mention the tension and stress of waiting.

Sure - you need help with this and to be fair, your current strategy isn't working as he is not letting go. You need some big guns otherwise you are just going to crack one way or another.

funky is right, sure. Your tried and tested method is not a success; you NEED to do something different this time. Your degree and DS will either affected by 'his' ongoing presence in your life (albeit unwanted), or by an ongoing court case. I'm afraid that is the reality. Since they are going to be affected by one or the other, I would go for option B as that, at least, is finite. If you go for option A then you run the risk of this man never going away.

I'm concerned about the change of tack, he could be getting desperate and attempt to escalate. Please report him, please.

FFS Sure - he is now telling you what he thinks you are fantasising about him? How does he not get that after nearly 3 weeks of no contact, you are no thinking about him? He wants to make sure you are thinking about him - or more accurately, how to get rid of him! It's all about him.

You do need the police to make that 'scare' - it doesn't have to go to pressing charges, court, prison etc if you don't want it. Personally, I'd do it, but i realise you have other stresses in your life ATM. But i really think that if you don't, you will weaken, start thinking 'well if it makes him stop - I'll go back, I'll start mesaging him to stop,I'll just see him just this once to tell him....'

Now that really will 'wreck everything' you've worked for.

I'm worried that he might decide the sex-related message would be better received if he shows you what he means. In your home, in person.

Actually quite scared for you here :(

He needs to be stopped. Sending sexual messages to someone who CLEARLY wants nothing to do with you is beyond harrassment.

If you don't mind me saying sure, you seem to be losing momentum a bit. I remember this from when I was with my abusive ex, I'd get up the courage to leave, be really determined for a while and then start to falter after a bit and give in. Don't give in! Just keep posting here and keep reminding yourself why you are doing this.

Listen to this a few times too:

m.youtube.com/watch?v=PNDl41HfvxI

Sure, grab help with both hands. If you don't press home the advantage now, then you will lose it.

I think throughout, and it's not your fault, you haven't been able to see how completely out of order his behaviour is. He's still contacting you, which is bad enough, but he's contacting you in a sexual way now, and you aren't reacting with anger or disgust.

You need to find your anger. This man is a rapist and predator and stalker. Stop being nice.

Hear hear, Lois

This is familiar. It's amazing how people seem to follow a pattern of behaviour when they are trying to control someone. Declarations of love, when it doesn't work, some bizarre belief they have a sexual hold over you. It's more 'you know you want it' talk. Justifying their treatment of you.

I think zombiepartridge may be right about this affecting you whatever. I've got some other thoughts on this but house of illness at the moment and can't expand.

Hold fast, sure.

I've texted WA lady and am hopefully making a statement on friday afternoon when I have no lectures.
I hear what you are all saying.

Well done x

The abusive shit is still texting and with a new seductive tack too? Please take your phone straight to the police. See if one of them would like to text the drongo back?? Please don't falter now, the only way to get your life back, imo, is to squash this (sic)man.

Prison wouldn't be your choice for him despite the evil he has done to you. Why not let society, via the police and court, decide what's best? If they all agree the poor sod is just misguided and would have his career ruined unnecessarily, they will free him.

I'd also text DrainWoman a simple "go away forever" and have done with it. I am the gentlest of souls but I think I could do it. If I could do it you could too! We are very alike in an over-thinking sort of way.

By NOT doing anything assertively and decisively you are prolonging your agony, dear sure - and tripling your stress with all the implications that has for your coursework.

None of this can go back in the bottle. It's out and it has to be dealt with.