It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

What a 'joy' it is to read this name!

At last, at last, AT LAST you're coming through. YAY Rotty solicitor! What joy to find someone who knows what they are doing, and gets on with it

I have no doubt you are a huge inspiration to anyone reading who is in a similar situation: if you can extricate yourself from his ceaseless tentacles, anybody can.

Well done, name

Aw thanks Daffs ceaseless tentacles is a brilliant description!

Thanks Darkest, I know! Again though it's me phoning private solicitors - gritty rotty legal aid is the way forward with domestic violence!

I just texted my lovely FP lady to thank her for putting me in touch with the 1stop shop - without her I wouldn't be here today. Also this book Power and Control by Sandra Horley of Refuge is brilliant - I thoroughly recommend it as a follow up to Lundy Bancroft.

Felling giddy again although H just called with some more hoovering of the non helpful variety. Although, he's assured me he's going to get his contract looked at today and signed!

I've been hitting so many brick walls on my journey, and what has made me smile to myself today is that I have KOKO'd and found a way round which is EXACTLY the opposite of what H has always said I do when faced with a problem. I'm a curl up in a corner kind of girl when faced with a problem according to him. I don't take on challenges, I give up at the first hurdle. Well, here's news for you twatchops, actually yes I can find my round a problem, and here's a fucking injunction with your name on it telling you to Fuck the fuck off!!

Lovely FP lady's reply

"Name it's my privilege to walk with you on part of your journey to Freedom and I mean that. You will get there"

Hooray for the fabulous Rottweiler

On another note, avoiding intimacy: A trapped nerve/pulled muscle in or around the ribs, front, sides and back, causing you to wince when you do anything so much as pick up a cup of tea, rules out any hugging or physical contact. Also, gives a reason for very long baths, early nights alone and not being able to speak or even breathe without pain means you can't really do conversation either.

This is all so wonderful to read. I have to admit my heart dropped when I heard he had moved back, and the awful advice your other solicitor was giving you. You seemed sort of resigned to it all
But this new lease of life to kick the bastard to buggary is fantastic. You go, and take your Rotwieller with you!!

So excited for you and you ought to be massively proud of yourself because no-one had made this happen for you, you've done it all yourself. This is a Mumsnet story I'll never forget, I'm sure. KOKO as always!

*has, even. Plenty of time for past tense at the after party!

Yay to Rotty and to lovely FP lady!

And to Buttocks for avoidance practices...

Haha thank you Outflew, I love Mumsnet I really do, the Relationships board should also be recommended to women in this position!

Brilliant Fantastic, sounds very painful and greatly helpful! I will give it a go most definitely!

Thanks Nettle, I know I really was down in the dumps last week and felt all control of my life had been taken away again and my mind made up for me - but deep down, after a day or so I just thought 'No' I've come so far, he's had fucking divorce papers served on him for very real reasons, I can't go back - and so it was calling up my FP lady who had initially reached out personally to me that got this ball today rolling

"twatchops", LOVE IT!

twatchops twatchops twatchops, I'm gonna say that all day, twatchops twatchops, twatchops.

Such a happy update, I'm so pleased for you name. Everyone needs a rottweiler solicitor in their life!

I'm so glad you found the Rottweiler name and so pleased that you have FP lady in your life now.
You will get through this, definitely with those two on your side.
Take care Xx

I've always said Rottweilers are a lovely breed!
You go girl! So very proud of you

Fab progress! Please keep on "lying low" at home, glad you are away this weekend.

After a crap day in work. Your posts today have got me jumping for joy. So pleased for you my dear name you have proper people on your side. Who know how to deal with "twatchops" ( fab description)

Ahh thanks Petunia haha!

Thanks yonic, Adara, fluffy, carbe - I love your username by the way Carbe 'seize the carb?'! I do a little too much of that!

Pedant yes I love twatchops too haha, sums H up perfectly and I keep it in mind every time he speaks

Please be careful. You will be coming across as more confident and it is a dangerous time once the abuser realises you are getting away.

I'm a little bit on love with Rottweiler.

Mitzimaybe, I also agree about the highly educated thing. I'm a lawyer (non-practising at the mo) and always thought I was an independent woman who would never stand for being treated badly by a man. It is so gradual, for me it was after having children and giving up work, that's when he seemed to show his true colours. Part of his thing is that he is jealous of my education and likes to call me 'thick', as well as telling me I have close-together eyes and that I'm 'lucky' to have him. Oh, but he's only joking....

Thanks itsfab, noted!

Me too Twink! Rough and ready all the way now

Cambridge - it is very gradual and more often than not starts in pregnancy or when the first child is born. I realised straight after having my first that we weren't something he cherished AT ALL - I was a sitting target for all his 'work stress' (hence the running theme of my thread titles) - he resented me being at home with a baby and I heard about it nearly every day - I was too messy, too disorganised and had to be at his beck and call, running constant errands for him. He stopped speaking to me for 3 months because I got the wrong broadband connected. 3 MONTHS - I cried, shouted, pleaded, ignored back - everything, but he wouldn't speak - that took us through DD1's first Christmas too where I had to wait on his family as well as breastfeed and be stonewalled all at the same time.

It was the same the following Christmas. He is a cruel, cruel bastard.

Look I won't go on about me but everything you say is the same, I'm thick, my teeth are weird (it's only a joke Name!) and he feels sorry for any other man that would get lumbered with me.

It has taken me a long time to get here, and I'm not there yet at all - but just remember that this affects women from all walks of life and from all intelligence levels, they get you when you are at your most vulnerable and continue the campaign until I don't know what! What are they expecting? Are they trying to engineer divorce but are too scared to do it themselves? Do they want us to top ourselves? Or do they think we are fine with it and happy for it to continue no matter how much we may protest?

Actually from what I've been learning, being abusive and having control is addictive for them, it becomes like a security blanket for them and they aren't going to give up that power for love nor money. And once that addiction has taken hold, well that's it, you can stop believing the charming act that follows the abusive episode because that really, really is all it is, an ACT to keep their victim trapped.

Reach out into RL support Cambridge, it's there for you and will help you focus on what YOU want and how you can reasonably achieve it

Fistbumps and a whoop for name.

And a "God, there's far too many of these arseholes out there" and a gentle hug for Cambridge.

and always thought I was an independent woman you are one Cambridge, you've just been told you're not for long enough to be doubting yourself

Thanks Dustbunny - agreed

Yes ! I was 8 months pregnant when he first punched me in the arm - I had just moved in and I broke something by mistake. And then he slammed a door into me the day before I gave birth which meant I have a massive bruise on my arm in my first photos with dd. And that was nothing compared to what was to come the next 6 months. Apart from the violence, which was fairly horrific- he used to come home and shout at me as I hadnt done the drying up - I thought the fact i had washed up with an insanely colicky baby was quite heroic! and I had a c section!!

Now i can't believe I didn't leave at this point when it was all so clear cut and obvious abuse - hardeer now as is just emotiona lstuff - but from reading this thread and others I'm starting to understand just what the effect on dd will be - she's seen it all, he doesn't distinguish between abusing me in front of her and not - which means I don't respond as I want him to stop - and that;s the message she gets about bullying

BUNCH OF TWATCHOPS!

obs i don't mean "just" emotional stuff - definitely this abuse is going to be a lot harder to recover from. I broke up with a lt partner just before him (no kids) and I felt ready to move on quite quickly - this time I cannot envisage every being in a relationship again - that doesn't bother at all either! Oh the joy of running my own life one day!