It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Haha!! Hilarious Arow thank you

Telling you what time to wake up. Is he in training to be a prison warden. Grade A ARSE!

Haha I know Darkest, mad isn't it! For the record, I'm really not a lazy arse who lies in bed all day. My idea of a lie-in at the weekend, if for instance H wasn't here to apply any pressure would be 9am. 9.30 tops.

He's back home now. I found myself asking just there if he minded if I went to bed now. Yes also controlling about my bedtime and yes old habits die hard. Even now, knowing where I've got to in my head, I couldn't just walk past him and say 'night!', it was automatic for me to flag it and check it was alright. He said 'it's ok babe, I'm not going to bully you about when you go to bed anymore' - so that was nice of him I thought

Anyway, night everyone, is that alright with you all if I pop off to sleep now? see you tomorrow

Night Name

Ahem. I expect freshly-brewed coffee at 7:30 am, after which you will organise my life for me and tell me how wonderful I am. I'll require the bathroom from 8:20 until 9:30, and will not tolerate interruptions at this time. Fill the kettle before my shower and do not allow anyone to flush a toilet until I am finished. I need perfect water pressure. Babes.

Seriously, Name, WHAT a relief you found out about the women's centre and the One-Stop! That FP woman's worth two of your solicitor already! I feel so much more confident for you, now you're getting decent advice relevant to your predicament. I know it is going to get harder, but also you truly are moving forwards at speed. You're building a good team around you now and are firing on all cylinders. Well done, you!

I think you will have already looked at the cycle of abuse. What he's doing, of course, is a 'reconciliation' phase, also known as hoovering. (There's a thought, can you get him to do the cleaning while he's being "nice"?)

Glad I found your thread :) Pompoms aloft!

Wow, a lot has happened since I last logged on. You are an inspiration to me, name. I have a solicitor who I'm happy with, but she tells me I have 2 choices; leave the house or stay in it with him. I'll find it difficult to get him out without DV, even though the continual mindfuck he puts me through has to be almost as bad. I've got that added problem that he's facing a driving ban this month, which would cause him to lose his job. However he's planning to avoid a ban by telling a pack of lies in his mitigation statement! Just 2 more examples of his risk-taking and manipulative behaviour. I'm living in fear at the moment. He's told me that I haven't provided any support over his court case and that 'other wives' would have. Also, that he will 'do what it takes' to protect his license and that I'm selfishly thinking of myself, whereas he's the one who has to go to court. All because I told him I wouldn't go along with his lies. My legs were shaking afterwards. I'm planning to speak to WA again tomorrow to see if they can help and to see my GP about the impact on my emotional well being. I'm having a lot of morbid thoughts because sometimes I can't see a way out.

The suggestion about pleading cystitis made to name - that wouldn't stop my DH. Either I'd be lying or he wouldn't see why it should affect me performing my 'wifely duties' (from experience)

Cambridge - doesn't your dp know that cystitis can spread via sexual contact to him? And that, with a, ahem, longer urethra, it much much worse for men? :)

That's the truth.

Cambridge, if your DH has coerced you into sex, surely that would be DV for your solicitor?

Has he sent you any emails asking you to lie? Did he not see what happened to Chris Huhne?

Oh thanks Garlic!! A nice confidence boost to wake up to, thank you and great idea getting him to do the real hoovering!

I'll have a look at that link - p.s I was up and showered 45 mind ago - H is still in bed

Right Cambridge I'm doing this for me and you this morning - I will find out exactly how to get these fuckers out! What you said there about not giving your H 'enough support' with his constant self inflicted problems - shudder...mine is EXACTLY the same there.

I will be back with my findings!!

hi name I'm right here with you. My FW's letter from mediator inviting him to his own session hasn't turned up yet so we're in strange no man's land with him being super nice , he did open some packages which arrived for me at the weekend (in anger obvs, while I was out) which were books for children about divorce, so I feel reassured that he must know I'm serious, even if he doesn't want to admit it to himself. He gets back from work, makes his own food (a first but I'm not leaving anything for him!), and is all chatty about my day, then I go to bed early and read a book. It's the most peace I've known for 6 years! But I expect that he will give on mr nice guy when he gets divorce petition so I am using this time to gather myself.

I had a terrible time when dd was a baby too - that was when he was really violent to me - dragging me down the hall by my hair, throttling me - always telling me I was a shit mother as she cried all the time (undiagnosed severe milk allergy). It's probably only now, that she is 6, that I am starting to realise that actually I am a great mum - and will be more great once I extricate us from this situation.

I was thinking about this the other day and at the time I really had no idea what was happening, I just thought he had a temper. And I am highly educated, always thought I was quite sensible. I think there is not enough education about domestic abuse in all its forms. It wasn't until I first posted on here, last October, that I really got an idea of what I was suffering. And then when I rang women's aid afterwards, I had it confirmed.

I don't know where I would be now if I didn't have this board to keep reading and reaffirm what I am doing is right. Whenever I have a wobble, which is often, I read the board, and particularly this thread, and it sets me back on the right path. So thank you name , you're top.

If only you had written more lists OP, the marriage might have been saved.

Oh sorry - what?!

Doing it for you too Sus14

Right - met the Rottweiler - amazing! - I'm going in to see her at her office next Tuesday after the FP - it'll take her half a day to get me a non mol with occ order attached applied for - it will have to be a 'with notice' one as an emergency one really will need me or the kids to be at immediate risk of a beating.

But she said there are ways of rushing that through as well to prevent me sitting there for months on end waiting for the hearing which is what my shit solicitor said.

She called it rape guys! Though totally put me at ease with 'well you've gotta do what you've gotta do sometimes'

She actually made me laugh out loud when saying to me about laying it on thick and hamming it up a bit on the order application - 'and he's got an alcohol dependency has he?' Um no 'well you said he was out drinking for months while you and the kids were abandoned' Well yes, but not a dependency as such - she looked at me like and said 'Nah we'll put he's got an alcohol dependency!!' SHIT here I go again haha!!

The £1000 to look at my file because I've already gone through another solicitor? Bollocks apparently!

So I've got to get a supporting letter from my GP for Legal Aid, stating that I'm on anti anxiety meds due to being in an abusive relationship. There are all sorts of waivers with legal aid regarding DV so that shouldn't be a problem.

Legal aid doesn't cover divorce though. You have to stump that up yourself to begin with, though if it's his unreasonable behaviour he'll have to pay costs.

So Sus and Cambridge - look up your local One Stop Shop Domestic Violence Advice and them look up your local Freedom Programme. Me being on the FP added weight to my case. Also if you haven't already, log it with your GP.

Rottweiler and Support lady both chimed 'just keep the peace' when I asked how I play it at home.

Although if I have a non mol app going through I would feel SO much more confident in calling the police on him now.

Need to knuckle down on his bloody work contract pronto then

Thank you so much everyone

log it with your GP

Absolutely, anything that you log with your GP becomes a legal document that can be used as evidence in court. I haven't had to do that in a divorce cast, but I have done this in another case. Same with logging stuff with the police - the report becomes a legal document, even though it may not be immediately acted on. All very important should you ever decide to divorce someone.

TheName, you are doing so well! KOKO!

He's keeping you dangling with that promise to sign the work contract. Is he really going to sign it? I'm not so sure. He could have done it long ago if he really wanted to. By all means try to persuade him, but please don't get your hopes up too high such that you will get depressed if he refuses in the end.

sus14 Being highly educated is no protection! Two of my friends have been in abusive relationships. One is a doctor and the other a barrister. Don't use "but I'm highly educated, I should know better, I shouldn't be this stupid" as a way of feeling guilty about it. These men are very insidious, very clever, and it is NOT YOUR FAULT IN ANY WAY.

Ok name I was planning to contact WA today and will ask to join FP to help my case. Also was advised to contact GP by my solicitor. Never heard about the DV one stop shop but will look it up.

captainmummy thanks for the advice on cystitis, that should put him off big time. How do I stop him demanding a kiss and a hug every 5 minutes though? Swiftly followed by, 'no, a proper kiss' shudder.

DH has heard about Chris Huhne. Shortly before that case he got 12 points and asked me to take the last 3 for him! I was shocked and said absolutely no. The court failed to spot he had 2 many points and didn't summons him, and now he's got 3 more, a year later! He didn't ask me to take them this time tho'.

I have been told that if he loses his licence and job I'll struggle to get him out because a court wouldn't make him homeless

name how far you've bounced back again in just a few days!
I think your bloody amazing!! KOKO

Mitzimaybe I totally agree, I posted that because I lurk on many threads where DA is the subject and the common theme is how stupid people feel but it's not about that. I've spoken to people in my work who have been 19 and left a relationship when it turned bad - I was in my 30s and didn't. Why some people can see it and some people can't isn't down to intelligence, I guess it's down to self esteem maybe? I really don't know. I went through 5 years of this before I had any idea at all that I was suffering abuse. I don't feel stupid though, I just feel that this still isn't talked about enough - what a healthy relationship looks like should be talked about in schools. It's almost as the way it is painted is so awful that it's impossible to believe it could be happening to you - even though you know the 1 in 4 figure. I wish I had left that first day he punched me (more than 6 years ago) but there was no way I was in the right mindset, or that I had the right knowledge, to do that - I really thought it would get better and as we all know - it doesn't! And yet despite being able to post like this I still wobble on a daily basis! thank god for mumsnet!

Name that's so, so wonderful to read. I'm thrilled rotty is on your side and helping.

to all the many women posting and lurking who are thinking about escaping, starting to escape and well on the road to escaping.

v useful info re legal aid thanks name
and I didn't know that about costs. When he finds that out that'll be the nice behaviour out of the window then! Is that just court costs - do I still pay my solicitor who will he have to? . I'm already anticipating him doing a nut when he finds out how much mediation costs (although at least then I can show I've tried!)

Oh name, i am over the moon for you :)

Thanks so much everyone

Sus, my mistake with my not so great solicitor was to go to a private solicitor who was local to me. You need to go to a solicitor whose practice cover legal Aid and private work. They see it all, all the gritty shit which I don't think my solicitor is all that clued up about.

I've just done the Legal Aid Eligibilty Calculator online which the Rottweiler told me about, it seems that H's income won't be taken into account if the other person considers the relationship has completely broken down and is trying to end things permanently and is facing opposition from the other party. (If you do it online, there's a bit that says enter Case code, that stumped me so I just put NA and the calculator continued)

The Rottweiler will tell me more about it on Tuesday. I've booked in to see my GP on Monday to get a letter of support.

Augustus - thank you though I really am on autopilot here! Feeling the fear and doing it anyway

Thank you Beyond

Oh and yes I think you may have to initially pay something to see a solicitor, but get a free half hour and then work out your Eligibilty and hopefully you can come to some sort of arrangement

Name im really pleased for you that things are moving a bit faster. Rotty sounds great.

I thought the £1000 charge to look at a file was outrageous. Im even more outraged to find out its not even true.