It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Sorry that's very long and a shouty

Hi name, what a wnker, he really is reverting to type isn't he! Unless rottie an freedom lady have very very good reasons not to, I agree its time to get him out, IMHO he is stringing you along with contract, nitpicking and deliberately causing delays. Self obsessed fckwit.

Not pathetic to be staying away from him, it's wise.

Remember this is still him being on "best behaviour" and he's demanding to look at your texts and grabbing your phone.

It's your phone yeah? Put a new code on it and don't let him have it. Tell him [as a diversion] sign the contract and maybe I'll let you have the code. Muthafucker.

It's fucked up isn't it?!

Timeline wise though - tomorrow would be too soon for the police to make an arrest as she told me she would need to get my statement in the system etc. And I will want to wait and see what rotty says re the non mol on Tuesday as well before going ahead as I will 100% want that in place too because he will be straight on the phone and straight round again I think after the police. Not sure but I always wanted the non mol - that will take a day or so, so in fact Wednesday could well be the day, or Thursday.

My salary and Benefits won't cover the mortgage unfortunately. Plus I'm worried that I might not get legal aid - rotty wants to see 3 months bank statements and when she sees what he earns....I don't know, I've got my GP letter of support so hopefully it'll be ok.

3 months bank statements may show he earns top dollar, but will show that you do not. And you are divorcing him as a separate entity, not as a couple :) surely?

yes, i suspect the statements are not related to your earnings, but to log his income in case he starts to mess about with contract. AFAIK judges take very dim views of men who deliberately make themselves jobless in order to control their ex's and often order maintanance based on what he earned previously to stop him being such a massive twat.
I think he is drawing out on this contract - how many years is it now, and you think it will be sorted on WED? its making you look in the wrong direction - you are playing nice because of the contract when you should be pulling him on the crap behaviour and strengthening your case for the non -mol as you need every bit of evidence you can get - at the moment you can show that if you keep your head down then you can live with him - it would be VERY helpful if he could really start behaving in a manner that makes it impossible for you to be in the same house, and your concerns about the contract are clouding your judgement in that.

And remember when he starts banging in about counselling again and staying until March etc you can just say No. I. Don't. Love. You.

OP, you say I'm basically not allowed to contact my good friend . He's reverting to type, the nasty, abusive arsehole, and what's more, he's dicking you around re that bloody contract.

Do press on regardless with the plan tomorrow and the rest of the week. You CAN'T carry on suffering his intolerable behaviour. Who the does he think he is? He's utterly loathsome.

I agree with everyone else. Fuck the fucking contract.

He's never gonna sign it.

He's been back home for ages now, and you've been telling him all along that signing the contract is a condition for you.

Except its not, really - as he's safely back home with his feet under the table. And he knows that.

He knows he doesn't need to sign it. All he has to do is wear you down so that you forget all about this nonsense.

Its in his interest to NOT sign it. Without it, he knows you won't leave. Too financially unstable.

With it signed, he will have lost a bargaining chip. He's not stupid.

By the way, a man who demands to check your phone is not a man who believes you're going to walk out the door. It's a man who believes he can start (and win) a row.

A man who berates you for your domestic failings is not a man who believes you're going to walk out the door.

So whilst you need on the one hand to congratulate yourself for your acting ability, the flipside is that a man who thinks the little woman is getting over it all and being compliant is not a man who's going to sign that contract. There's literally no need. He just needs to keep dangling the carrot everytime you get restless.

He could dangle that contract for the next 6 months. After all, how long has he been dangling it before you made your first thread?

The crux of the matter is that he doesn't want to sign it. Ever. Not because of you, but because he wants to be able to walk out of that job. It gives him a lovely sense of freedom. So fuck you, in other words.

I want to disagree with everyone about the phone, i can see that i would give it to him, knowing there is nothing on there, while saying "haha, fuck you, you paranoid cuntweasel, theres nothing there" in my head. Whereas, refusing to give it to him would definitely result in a row and lead to you feeling threatened, if not him actually being violent.

which yes, would solve getting him arrested, but not really a sensible risk to take!

So long as you know you are leaving him (which you are), and this isnt taking place within a 'normal' relationship (which it isnt), i think you did the right thing - you have nothing to lose if you play along (as you have said you have shut mn and are being careful about that), and no reason to antagonise someone who could be violent.

I access munsnet on my kindle so not sure how it works on phones but if someone picked up my kindle they could click into the last thread I was reading....though I know name has said she is scrupulous about not leaving a trail...
Rooting for you dear name along with all yr fans on here...

If its an iphone, theres a thing called private browsing - opens up a separate window and as soon as you click close it is gone, doesnt save it in your history :)

I imagine android have an equivalent too?

Aha, just had a nose on my phone and android has a thing called "incognito", does the same thing

I too agree with not starting a row with him by refusing handing over the phone at the moment - not worth the risk!!

I also think he thinks he has it all under control again because he is an arrogant narcisstic d*ck

Hi Name, been a long time lurker, cheering you on.
Even if he signs the contract, he could resign. I totally understand the anxiety about finances, but he could be a dick about money, with or without the contract.
Good luck with the police lady tomorrow.

Unfortunately, whether or not he signs the contract is up to him. And there's nothing to stop him signing it and then walking out of his job and abandoning his responsibilities.

It will not look good, but really he's an adult and so can make any stupid decisions he likes.

Technically, in the eyes of the law you are now separated, pending divorce. There's nothing, now, that you can do about his decisions, I'm afraid. You are entering the 'living hell' stage of getting divorced where you watch them single-handedly destroy tons of financial benefits on to which you have a share, and on which you and your children depend.

If I were you, get your Occupation order/Non-Molestation and get him out if you can. From a pragmatic point of view, can you get a 'mortgage holiday' for a while? Have you spoken to the bank to see if you can get the mortgage repayments reduced at all, do they even know you have petitioned for divorce?

Your solicitor/you need to inform him that you have decided to proceed with the divorce and now wish to discuss the interim arrangements, e.g. how he is going to support the sinking ship, until the financial order and child arrangements are arranged. This is months and months of headache, but I promise you it ends...

You will just be very, very skint for a while I'm afraid. Same as the rest of us up and down the country, and he will start acting in a very spiteful manner. It's bloody hard (but worth it if you can get to the end).

KOKO.

Name he is reverting to type . demanding your phone...telling you who you can and cant see. I too think that contract signed or not wont make any difference with someone like him. Please mention this to the police officer tomorrow. As well as his comments about sympathising with family annihilators.

We are all rooting for you Name. The system for dealing with these situations is shit. You shouldnt be having to go through all this You are one of the bravest Mners ive ever seen on here

He thinks I'm seeing someone as well.

Of course there must be someone else, in his mind - it's not possible to him that you might see being single as a better option than being with him.

There are some articles on working without a written contract (links below) - he does still have a contract. It may not cover details about share options or whatever, but it will cover what salary has been agreed (i.e. what he currently gets paid) and the hours he does (i.e. the hours he currently works). By working to those conditions, he and his employer have agreed to them, even if they haven't signed a piece of paper.
CAB
ACAS

Ebear, I think he does have a contract as a freelancer though; this contract is to become a staff member.

Thank you everyone, right I will just carry on regardless of the contract then. It isn't normal of him to have kept it going like this for so long.m

Thanks wwk, 'sobering' words as always

Thanks darkest, hope I can be

Had to do the pub lunch which didn't end well due to dd ending up in a bust up in the soft play centre and h taking the opportunity to tell me their too soft.

Bizarrely a fellow member from the freedom programme walked into the pub and we saw each other, we did an incognito acknowledgment of each other and then she mouthed 'you alright?' To which I subtly nodded. How funny! Actually a big shake of the head and NO would have been a more appropriate answer.

Anyway, h is in a weird mood, kids are playing, I'm making myself scarce - so a typical, cope-able (in the eyes of the non mol people) Sunday!

Really appreciate all your support guys as always

KOKO hugs &

Sending you hugs, name Stay strong!

This is such a hard thread to read as I am so worried for you and your children's safety so can only imaging how you are feeling living with this bully.

Don't forget to tell the police about his "game" with the children and his reason for it, plus all his other parenting fails.

Please be careful. I am worried for your safety.