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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 28/09/2014 09:53

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
Jux · 11/10/2014 21:37

DraggingDown, divorce papers were served a while ago, but of course he didn't actually believe that Name could possibly let such an amazing specimen of manhood go, so he got rid of the party-flat and moved back 'home' and is being creepy and ghastly. Name has it under control though, never fear!

Zazzles007 · 11/10/2014 23:11

Hi Name just caught up with your thread as I've been away for a few days.

To back track a little about the narc tendencies (or traits) I have a highly narcissistic mother, so unfortunately have lots of experience with people like that. Buzz word warning - the whispering game he was playing with your daughters is an insidious attempt to divide and conquer as someone pointed out, and is known as triangulation. My narc mother used this to great effect on my sister and I, and thus we have have been estranged for 15 or so years.

The silence from him is stonewalling, and it is not only a tactic that those with personality issues use, but is a tactic widely used by men in general to avoid discussing a topic, or as a punishment for a perceived slight, etc etc. I assume these events will be discussed with The Rottweiler, and I think (if you are able) you should set up an argument for minimising or having no contact with your DDs. The affects of a narc parent on children are wide and insidious, your DDs would benefit from not being around him. Trust me, I know all about it, and in my mid-40s, am still undoing the damage my narc mother wrought on me.

KOKO Name, you are doing brilliantly. Thanks

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 11/10/2014 23:57

Wow thanks for sharing Zazzles very insightful Thanks

Thanks Jux for updating draggingdown for me - I was actually about to myself earlier via my phone out in the garden, smoking a faaaaggg, but sensed H's presence over my shoulder which gave me a right Juno - he demanded to read my last texts to prove I wasn't texting 'someone'. I immediately cut out MN and handed him my phone and this seemed to satisfy him although when I came in I ended up in a night long 'discussion' of how he's the hard working victim and I'm the domestically sloven, cold hearted bitch.

Wasn't just tonight he was over my shoulder checking my phone, it was this morning too so I guess i had better be pretty careful now this week, hence me quickly updating while he's gone to bed.

Cripes alive! Confused

Anyway, thanks again everyone, don't worry I'm being really careful now Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 11/10/2014 23:58

Juno = Jump by the way haha!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 00:01

DD's party was good though by the way, she loved it but it was exhausting and I'm just bloody glad to be through it - enough 'happy' family occasions please!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2014 00:25

less than 48 more hours. Smile

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 00:27

Sorry Zazzles if I didn't make it clearer earlier, I have totally noted what you've said, very interesting about narc's and their parenting 'skills' now that I'm comfortable calling H a narc! Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 00:31

Well hope so Pond - just got this bloody dilemma of his work contract again on Wednesday - the Wednesday meeting where he's supposed to sign it - even my mother who hasn't been the best of help was like 'not til he's signed it!! Pleasseee!!' So I don't know - see the police Monday, see rotty solicitor Tuesday, wait Wednesday, then go for it Thursday? Judging by all his years and years of bullshit, it won't get signed on Wednesday anyway. Urgh I don't know....

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 12/10/2014 00:32

Less than two days now Name Hang in there Thanks

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 00:41

Thanks Darkest Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
Jux · 12/10/2014 01:12

Hope it wasn't too presumptuous, Name! I saw that DraggingDown had asked a few hours before, and figured you might be having problems getting much privacy with dh around, so went ahead.

He does seem to be sniffing around a bit atm. I suppose that's inevitable, after your abject failure to throw yourself tearfully and gratefully into his arms.

If he doesn't sign on Wednesday, will you really wait even longer for him to do so? Could you? This must be so exhausting for you.

YonicScrewdriver · 12/10/2014 01:16

One day at a time, Name. Discuss the contract thing with your solicitor if helpful.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2014 01:17

Do you really think he won't sign the contract if he's served on Monday? Isn't it in his own best interest to sign it? Would he really cut off his nose to spite his face like that?

I guess you just have to weigh the options & best/worst case scenario. You know him best. It's just that you are so close to freedom now.

diggerdigsdogs · 12/10/2014 05:18

Name if he doesn't get the contract signed and the claims that he has no income or quits etc what would that mean for you?

Have you looked into tax credits or benefits etc? Could you keep this house without him supporting you at all?

diggerdigsdogs · 12/10/2014 05:18

(Ps not living in the UK I have no idea what all the benefits are called now!)

FunkyBoldRibena · 12/10/2014 06:45

I think this contract is a red herring Name. You dont have to have signed a contract to have agreed to be working under its conditions amd he is the one that will lose out if he doesnt work. Best just let him get on with that and you get on with breaking free.

RandomMess · 12/10/2014 07:40

Please don't let that contract hold you back, he may 6th sense that it's very important to you and is using it deliberately to keep you toeing the line already...

Wishing you a lecture free day.

I wonder if you can withhold contact by stating you believe he is a narc and his parenting of the dc is emotionally abusive and you want medical evidance to the contrary and contact to be via a contact centre to minimise the damage? Failing that I'd just me tempted to bl**dy flee tbh SadAngry

KOKO

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 12/10/2014 08:53

Last whole day :)

Agree with random, i dont trust him not keep putting that contract off, dont let it hold you back

oldgrandmama · 12/10/2014 08:56

Agree with above posts - press on regardless tomorrow, with or without that contract. And yes, I reckon he's prevaricating about it on purpose, thinking it'll keep you dangling and toeing the line. Hit him HARD tomorrow - you're almost there.

Stuffofawesome · 12/10/2014 09:09

You are nearly there Name. Whenever I have had a contract to sign I have just signed it and returned to HR, not needed meetings etc to do so and certainly not strung out over so many weeks. Thing he may be stringing you along on that one. Take care

Outflewtheweb · 12/10/2014 09:18

Another one in agreement. Obviously you know him best but this contract bizzo smacks of control to me. Perhaps he's thinking he's lost some ground lately and wants to hold this over you.

DustBunnyFarmer · 12/10/2014 09:21

Another voice here agreeing that he's using the contract to string you along. For all you know, he may have already signed it & is just dangling it as a carrot in front of you. I would plough on with your plans. The last week seems to have been incredibly tough on you - it will get harder and harder to stall his advances and keep making excuses. Enact "Project Name's Freedom" this week and crack on. I am sure if there was an offer of a contract & he decides not to sign to spite you, that'll be another mark against him in the divorce - evidence that he's consciously trying to dodge his responsibilities to support his kids...

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 12/10/2014 09:33

Oo, two good points from dustbunny! Do you have it 'in writing' (text or whatever) saying he will sign weds? Cause either a) if he has already signed, it proves he is 'bribing' you to stay, surely that comes under the financial abuse umbrella? Or, if he hasnt signed yet then b) it shows he had every intention to until his arrest, so is purposely hurting the children because of you - again, proving he is an abusive parent to them, and helping you in your fight to minimise contact.

Then of course, c) if he signs weds regardless, he is officially employed and has to support you.

Win win for you Wink

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 12/10/2014 09:41

It's the final bloody straw this contract - there has been all this delay over it because there have been unanswered questions about the shares he would receive and bonus scheme etc- so last week he got the company projections/forecast info and passed it to a friend of his who works in shares to look at for him - I think this friend said all looks ok what they're offering so the next available meeting with the boss to get it signed was this coming Wednesday.

But yes this is exhausting now. Him looking over my shoulder twice yesterday - I looked guilty and a little panicked the second time because of the thought of him discovering me on here - but I managed to click off MN as he wanted to see my last texts. I'm basically not allowed to contact my good friend who has been a huge support to me (even though I do when he's not around obviously!) because it was her texts he read calling him an abusive bastard!!

He thinks I'm seeing someone as well. It's just not my style at all to have a full blown affair - it's the last thing I would need right now to complicate my life even further! But it's what he'll say to his mum I bet anyway.

Whatever - thank you again everyone - it's going to be really interesting with the police lady tomorrow - I will have my Focus back again - the weekends with him do a good job of making me feel off track actually - I'm hiding upstairs avoiding going down there - pathetic really!!!

Thanks
OP posts:
auntpetunia · 12/10/2014 09:42

Two things hit me from your posts! He demanded your phone coz you where texting/mn ing and you gave it to him. !!! He then spent the night lecturing about how he's the victim.

NAME he's sliding back into his old ways and you are blinded by the work contract and are letting him.

If my dh demanded my phone to check my texts. I'd have told him to do one. If he started telling me I was a slovenly stay at home bitch. I'd have told him to do one. You have told twatctchops to do one, in the biggest possible way-- you've served him divorce papers! The fact that he has chosen to ignore them is ridiculous.

So what if he hasn't signed the contract? Have you checked the benefits checkers to see what you'd get? You own your home I believe so half of that, plus half any savings even if that means his precious sister doesn't get her bills paid, you will get money awarded by the court.

He is trying his best to get you back in line. No way has he ignored the divorce papers. He's trying to prove that he's ace to counteract any of your claims.

Get out tomorrow, just take the final step and do it. This has dragged on too long and he is clawing you back. If you don't do it now, then it's christmas and upsetting the girls.