Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 28/09/2014 09:53

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2014 11:56

Given his personality I'd say that was very likely Name, playing favourites and destabilising where possible.

FantasticButtocks · 09/10/2014 11:56

Perhaps he's laying the ground for 'it was only a joke' 'only a game... you know like the whisperin game we sometimes play...' when they wonder why he insults them or their DM.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 12:01

Yes you're right, agreed. Shit :(

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 09/10/2014 12:08

Trying to isolate them from each other. Truly toxic. (DP's mum did that - an more - to him and his sister, and got away with it for decades! Glad you nipped it in the bud.)

name Look twatchops in the eye and say "Aahhh, honey, you're not being paranoid" Soft pat on the cheek, little smile, then retire.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 12:16

Right, thanks Pedant - he just called there, giving me a load of old bullshit as per usual and so I just brought it straight up, told him i didn't like that last night and don't want that happening again. He was like 'ok, I hear you but my rationale is it's good training that people might whisper about you in life and you should just brush it off'

So I said, well yeah but still i don't want that game played again Angry

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 09/10/2014 12:20

Or... You could have a rationale that your closest family will be the ones who are a haven from any nastiness out in the world - especially when the nastiness was invented by THE PARENT!

Twat.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/10/2014 12:20

'good training' from an abuser, oh boy.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 12:24

That's what I said Yonic, I've always told DD's not to take it to heart if friends are mean to them, I don't then be deliberately mean to them at home so as to train them up, fucking wanker Angry

I said, they are sensible girls, but their family is their sanctuary where they should be protected from piss taking and self esteem erosion.

OP posts:
brianbennettfan · 09/10/2014 13:07

Yes, like Donkeys I had to shudder about his suggestion of 'training'. That just about says it all, doesn't it?

Glad you had a decent birthday and kept the twat at bay. You are so close now. Can't remember if you have anything planned for the weekend. Is it DD's birthday then? Before you know it, it will be Monday, and then.....it will be a case of 'big girl's pants on' and away we go! KOKO GAL, YOU ROCK!

captainmummy · 09/10/2014 13:10

That is actually quite chilling, name - not only that he thinks it's ok to 'insult' one girl by another, but that he thinks it is actually helpful! Good parenting - getting them used to the mean world out there - what else? Encouraging phyiscal fighting between the 2 dds, to build them up or playground scraps? (People used to do this to their sons Shock)

I expect that if you hadn't stopped it, it would have gone on to whispering about you and coming out with below-the-belt 'insults' about your not-putting-out.

WHat sort of access do you envisage him having with your dc when he (eventually) leaves?

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 09/10/2014 13:21

Wow, you are awesome,name, handling that in the moment and on the phone too. Well done!
The key has turned regarding the guilt...He is his own worse enemy; you can add the hidden keys and grooming the girls for accepting emotional abuse to the police/solicitor report.

Imho, the narcissist tag may be a bullseye. You served him with divorce papers and the sum total of the effect is that he maybe might doubt your feelings for him. He is failing to have a rational comprehension of the circumstances because that would mean that you are an independent, intelligent, adult with your own brain.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 13:23

Thank you Brian! Thanks DD's birthday is Saturday.

Captain, I'm not sure now. He's always used the kids as his way back in when I've moved to end things in the past and did so after the divorce papers. Because he's such a loose cannon I had tried to appeal to his 'better' side by saying that I would never take his kids away from him, that he could see them as much as he liked, just as long as we weren't together.

Well I'm having more than second thoughts about that now. i'm going to have to do a bit of research and advice finding there because access to the kids is something he will definitely contest and fight over. Bugger.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 13:25

Oh absolutely Band. Thank you Thanks I will add all of it to my list!

OP posts:
whatdoesittake48 · 09/10/2014 13:56

Scarcasm and under hand insults are yet another abuse tactic so well done for picking up on it immediately. That is impressive. His excuse was stupid and I am amazed he even thought that was worth saying.

However he didn't get angry at you when you criticised his parenting. That would have been the result in our house. So small mercies.

Ilovefluffysheep · 09/10/2014 13:57

Well done for challenging him and stopping him Name, that must have taken guts. Make sure you add it to your list of things to tell the police on Monday! I sense he feels like he might be losing his control over you, so may start on the girls instead. Make sure you also tell rotty solicitor next time you see her, be good to add to the non-mol application.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/10/2014 14:07

What a sick, sick bastard! I think he's already thinking ahead and trying to get DD2 as an 'ally'. Divide and conquer. He's obviously not 100% convinced himself that things are just 'ducky' on the home front and is trying to hedge his bets! Ugly, ugly, ugly behaviour to a child.

oldgrandmama · 09/10/2014 14:29

Bloody hell, name, that is SO not on, what he did in that whispering 'game'. I've no doubt you're recorded it on your list of his fuckery - at the very least, it's weird behaviour. Your record of this may well be very useful when it comes to any custody, contact stuff.

FantasticButtocks · 09/10/2014 14:31

Next time, if he uses the kids as a reason you must stay with him perhaps you can say "I'm doing this for the kids as much as anything else, as I don't think it's healthy for them to grow up witnessing a marriage like this. Might make them think it is normal or something."

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 14:36

Thanks guys, I wasn't about to sit back and let him take the piss out of DD1 like that, horrible bastard. Funny how I've accepted all sorts of shite treatment from him over the years, but watching him try it on dd was a whole different ballgame....and a MAJOR eye opener of just how awful the teenage years especially would be for the girls with him still here. Forget me for now, it's their little lives that are the most important.

....and it was so subtle as well. 'What? It was only a game!'

Shudder.

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 09/10/2014 14:40

I've said that to him already FB, a few times. In one ear and out the other really.

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 09/10/2014 14:44

Yeah, he doesn't get it because he doesn't know there is anything wrong with the way he behaves. He thinks he is perfectly fine. He thinks he has good ideas about rearing the children. He thinks he knows best at all times. He believes himself. I think the Narcissistic label fits him very well indeed.

AdoraBell · 09/10/2014 15:37

Glad you are going to tell the police about it Name. Very sinister IMHO.

Also glad that his "game" has given you renewed focus, and yes definitely get informed about access. The last thing you need is him "winning" if you say he can't see them and it turns you have to allow access.

Stay strong and focused, those big girl pants are yearning to be usedWink

Darkesteyes · 09/10/2014 15:50

Absolutely disgusting treating his children like that Its psychologically abusive. His narcissism is astounding. Only a few days to go Name Your daughters have a wonderful mother Thanks

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 09/10/2014 16:02

T minus 3 days to go :)

RandomMess · 09/10/2014 16:04

Your strength is growing and growing, KOKO x