It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

I think it's very important for you not to reveal details of your plans to your mum at this point. I see from your posts that she is somewhat needy and perhaps anxious abut being left out of the loop now that you have started talking to her about all of this. She is also probably anxious about your safety.

However, some women of an older generation do not, really, 100%, understand that yes, their son in law, who holds down a job, drives a car, wears a suit, speaks in an accent like theirs, is an abuser. Many women of an older generation have a belief that abusive men belong only to the lower classes, the drinking classes, etc. and some will bend over backwards to make nice to a man who is employed, wears a suit, and who has sat at their table eating politely and with whom they have developed a sort of family relationship with over the years. Many women of an older generation were trained in deference to males.

I don't mean to offend any older women when I say that. There are many older women who are very well clued up. But I have observed it in mothers of friends and colleagues who put pressure on their daughters to 'give him another chance', or to allow the former son in law the benefit of the doubt when it came to unsupervised visitation with children because 'children without a father will all turn into delinquents' and in one case that ended really badly with a police standoff. In cases where the women were swayed by advice to give him another chance they felt they couldn't count on their mother's support unless they went through with this condition first. It just prolonged the agony of course.

Luckily my own mother was a continent away from her ex son in law and was very gung ho about pressing forward with divorce. However, I warned her not to get in touch with exH or his family and also warned her and my sister too not to talk with him if he called, and if they decided to talk, just to listen and be very non-committal (this was more for my sister than my mum -- I told her just to put the phone down if he tried to make his case on the phone to her).

math thats a brilliant post. it basically describes my mother perfectly. I agree with you.

I'm wondering if you're worried about what he might do if he's embarrassed at work, or is it a feeling that you need to protect him from that embarrassment Name? If it's the former, that's something to talk to the police about and if the latter, it's a very understandable habit but it's so not your problem. He's going to have to deal with his actions having consequences; you didn't cause this.

I've been following your threads with growing awe for how you're dealing with all this, what a strong lady you are. Hope you're settling in with and and getting some peace and time for yourself this weekend.

I too hope you are having a relaxing weekend Name

Bearhug, that's a chilling thought.

Hi Name, just caught up with the latest updates on your thread. Good to see things are moving forward, not that I expected any different from you . Remember that this will be a roller coaster for some time to come, and that while you are definitely feeling confident and motivated right now, there may be times when more negative emotions come into play. Remember that this is entirely normal, given the situation and its difficulty. Having said that, it is great to see your confidence and motivation shine through, and seeing its affect on the plans and actions you are going to put into place for the next coming parts of the divorce.

And I have posted this upthread in relation to The Rottweiller Lawyer/Solicitor, but will iterate it in a more all-encompassing way:

Strategy >>> Implement >>> Result >>> Reevaluate >>> Strategy >>> Ad Infinitum

Your next steps are with the police officer in the legal process of divorcing TwattyChops. With each person who gets involved in this process, you can decide to include/not include them in helping you to formulate a strategic plan, implement that plan, get the results, reevaluate the results and then plan the next part of the strategy. The good thing is that you have the collective minds of MN in your thread, The Rottweiler, the FP woman, various police officers, etc etc all giving you their input. Then you get to chose what is best. You get to do this divorce the way you want to do it. You get to choose your destiny. That is autonomy and self-directed power over one's life, and that is the best thing possible for not only you, but any woman in an abusive relationship.

I have no issues with what mathanxiety said. I hasten to add that although "rich in years", I'm not at MiL status. But I do know a variety of women Of The Age To Be MiL who are With It, and some of the aforementioned who, I am saddened to guess, Never Will Be.

Several posters on several other freds have likened the lack of uptake on basic human rights (when applied to, ya know, inferior girlies ) to overall concepts, such as being able to work a VCR->DVD->iPlayer or answering machine->BTCallminder or non-smart phone->etc. Oh, you get the point. Those bits of "modern life" that they wish to uptake, they fucking well will, and if they don't, I'm sorry, but after a bit of trying to educate them, you have to just assume that they choose not to get onboard about some things.

A PR person was trying to get information on how Mumsnet would feel about an ad campaign about domestic violence. She was met with a lot of MN wisdom. One suggested that instead of her really tiny-minority idea of simply bruised eyes/split lips (on famous women), they instead feature other kinds of DV (emotional, financial), and the fact that not just tattooed thugs, but professionals, educated men, etc, dole it out.

Seriously, this kind of campaign is well overdue.

climbs back down off soapbox

Marina a big tv campaign including those things is well overdue. I mentioned similar on the pinned emotional abuse blogpost.

Darkesteyes, you know I lurve yuz. >flutters eyelashes

Back at ya

Good morning, name!

And, ahem, how much OB did Y B? Just kidding, if there's anybody who deserves a weekend off, it's you.

Hmm sounds like you might be near me!!
sending you lots of strength and love for the next few days
Enjoy the lovely weather today

Well if I am nettle it's a lovely little part of the world you live in

Haha one or two Marina!

I keep fretting that name's H knows she posts on here. There is enough day to day detail for her to be identified, if he was minded to stalk her on here. Take care, name.

Yes, but it sounds like he barely knows how to tie his own shoelaces, let alone has any techie computer skills

That doesn't mean that he doesn't know someone else who could do it for him

Be careful He's a dick

Thanks Dustbunny, honestly doesn't have a clue - he knows of mumsnet but wouldn't know of the relationships board and wouldn't ever venture here as he would never imagine I had a thread or 3 running! Plus, he would have brought it up by now if he had have discovered it I think - so I feel pretty secure there!

Im glad you had an enjoyable relaxing evening Name.

Sorry man missed your post - I suppose that's possible - but nah, he's not aware I'm even on MN he knows so little about me, plus he wouldn't want anyone to know we're having marriage problems. It's fine

Thank you Darkest on my back now

On your back? Is Greg the plumber there too?

Oh you fast mover name! Lol

Glad you had a good weekend. Keep safe this week and make sure you follow through on fluffy's advice re lists, this time lists are your friend

^ On your back? Is Greg the plumber there too?

Hahaha!! I wish!

On my way back was what I meant!

Thanks for the laugh!