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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

999 replies

thenamehaschanged · 28/09/2014 09:53

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 13:07

Yes you're absolutely right Fluffy, it's ok you didn't panic me, I'm ok - that's good to know about the mornings actually and the PO and me are going to come up with a plan!

Thank you again haha Thanks God what a roller coaster! I just thought with his work that first he got served with divorce papers there, then the police rock up and take him away and next he'll be getting the non molestation order served to him there as well!! The receptionist must be like Shock!!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 13:09

Especially as to all intents and purposes he's Mr popular in there haha!

OP posts:
Ilovefluffysheep · 04/10/2014 13:11

Don't worry, it will give them all something to gossip about and liven up their boring workday!

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 13:16

True! Grin

OP posts:
Ilovefluffysheep · 04/10/2014 13:19

I hope you're making lists:

  1. All the stuff you need to put in the statement. You've listed loads on these threads, write them down so you don't forget!

  2. Questions about the arrest, when its likely to be etc.

  3. What happens after the arrest? For example, bail conditions that need to be set to protect you, time scales of things, how often the officer will update you. Also what to do if he breaks any of these conditions, do you contact the officer direct or 101/999 as appropriate.

I write lists at work, helps me concentrate and prioritise my workload, plus reassures me I haven't forgotten anything. Plus I can add things on to my list as I think of them, rather than trying to keep it all in my head!

Other priorities for you once this has all gone ahead and he finally gets it through his thick skull that you are splitting and there is no coming back is getting finances sorted for you, so that will involve putting in a tax credit claim and finding out anything else you are entitled to. I'm a single parent with 2 teenagers, work 30 hours a week on a pretty decent wage, and am still entitled to tax credits, so am pretty certain you would be.

Then there is all the other stuff going on like the non-mol etc. What exactly is the plan with new rotty solicitor versus old rubbish solicitor? Have you paid the old one for everything she has done so far? Is rotty sorting out getting hold of the file, or do you need to do anything.

I know it sounds like loads of stuff, but actually, you may find it takes your mind off the imminent arrest if you have other stuff to do and think about. Just trying to be practical, I'm quite an organised person and know that for my own sanity I need to have everything sorted!

AdoraBell · 04/10/2014 13:36

He also made a comment about you asking permission to go to bed, was something like

I won't bully you about going to bed anymore.

This demonstrates that he knows he being abusive and bullying.

And don't worry about the receptionist at his work. I've been a receptionist, accepting a letter for someone, or phoning them to come get it won't impact on her life. And having the police rock up the arrest him will indeed give them something to gossip about, still not a problem for her.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 13:57

Fantastic fluffy thank you! I think I will print that out - next week is the week I get fully prepared - there's just so much to cover over the years! Thank god I'm currently not working! Though plan to go up to about 30 hours too.

I guess I can start doing all the proper future planning now because I know this really is going to be over soon!

Good point Adora I'll add that to the list - thanks for the encouragement X

OP posts:
GarlicOctopus · 04/10/2014 14:01

I can start doing all the proper future planning now - YES!!! :) Now, how good is that?!

Darkesteyes · 04/10/2014 14:08

Name i think you are fantastic. Im glad there is a previous report on him.

They will have him bang to rights.......literally. Thanks

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 14:42

Don't panic about his arrest right now. If you are able, make tentative plans for your girls. Do you have friends you can 'clue in' who are able to take them on short notice for a few hours or for the night? Is there an activity that he wouldn't be interesting in that you can say you are taking them to that would get you all out of the house for a few hours?

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 14:44

interesting = interested. Need to proof read. He's not 'interesting' at all. He's a schmuck.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 14:49

Ahh thank you Darkest Thanks bloody hope so!

Thanks Garlic Thanks

I'm on the train now off to see my friend. He's phoned a couple of times being Mr lovely, not least because he's got an audience in his family!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 14:51

Yes thanks Pond I've got some things to think about in how I can do this :)

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 04/10/2014 15:17

Ahh this thread has taken such a lovely turn, even though its not over yet, you sound so positive now - almost like a different person :)

Alicebannedit · 04/10/2014 15:58

OP have had a quick scrute through your highlighted posts in the first two threads but can't see any relevant refs. I put the phrase into the MN search box and it produced the following, which might be helpful. It shows that others had read and were worried about that comment too.

6 days ago ... ... it before - the manic driving putting you in danger, and the horribly sinister comment about 'understanding men who slaughter their families . www.mumsnet.com/.../a2195885-It-was-never-work-stress-its-emotional- abuse-and-youre-going-to-get-divorced-because-of-it-H-part3

Work Stress? Err don't think so mate! | Mumsnet Discussion   when you see the Police, OP, do tell them about the manic driving episode. Also that sinister comment about understanding men who slaughter their families.  <a class="break-all" href="//www.mumsnet.com/Talk/.../a2174553-Work-Stress-Err-dont-think-so-mate" target="_blank">www.mumsnet.com/Talk/.../a2174553-Work-Stress-Err-dont-think-so-mate</a>

Also picked up on the following on p27 of the first thread, but it does seem more jokey perhaps than chilling?

I really, really hate him - if he does murder me then well, at least I got out first. Stuff to talk about with at the refuge, freedom programme I guess - he did once make a couple of jokes about that he could imagine him strangling me if I took his kids away from him.

EBearhug · 04/10/2014 16:02

If he is thinking you're pulling away and he's losing control, and he's got an idea what things might count as evidence - things like all the emails - have you got copies outside of the house? Forward them all to a webmail address (gmail or whatever) that he doesn't know about, so if he did something crazy like break the PC, it would still be available somewhere. Same with the screenshots from your phone when you've done that, send them as an attachment to webmail, or upload to a service like photobucket or whatever, that he won't know about and won't have access to, either by password, or physically.

(i.e. Back up all the data and store it offsite.)

Ilovefluffysheep · 04/10/2014 16:19

Thats a very good idea of EBearhug's.

Hope you have a lovely evening with your friend can forget about twatchops for the night!

AcrossthePond55 · 04/10/2014 16:51

Have a wonderful evening. Enjoy the peace and fun of being with your friend.

Oldieandgoldie · 04/10/2014 18:13

Buy a pot of yoghurt and leave it, half-used, in the bathroom, as a sign of 'treatment' for your feminine complaints! Smile

EBearhug · 04/10/2014 18:26

Oh, if you do use something like Photobucket or Picasa or Flickr, make sure your security settings aren't set to public.

Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 18:55

Thanks everyone! Thanks I'm on hotmail so can log on anywhere. I've taken all the screen shots of his texts and emailed them to myself.

My friend said she has never seem me so focused and confident and she's known me for 26 years haha!!

OP posts:
Original poster
thenamehaschanged · 04/10/2014 19:00

Haha to the pot of yoghurt! Think I will, plus might splash out on some canestan and vagisil and leave them by my bed!!

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 04/10/2014 19:45

Good idea, name, you can buy these over the counter at Boots, I think. How bloody DARE he pester you for his 'conjugals' - nasty, nasty man.

EBearhug · 04/10/2014 20:08

My friend said she has never seem me so focused and confident and she's known me for 26 years haha!!

This is good - but don't forget he will also be seeing that.

Oldieandgoldie · 04/10/2014 21:00

And maybe keep telling him about these 'odd' symptoms you're having....just as if you had a STD or something? But of course there's no way that could happen, is there? Get him really worried!!

(I'm evil, aren't I? WinkWink)