It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Name im pleased to see your updates. I agree with Dinnae Its ridiculous that you and other women are having to endure things in this way because of the system

Wow, this is tough for you and tests your resolve to the absolute limit doesn't it? ((Hug)) (unmumsnetty or otherwise)

But it is the only recourse to shake him and his thumping tentacles off (I'm going with this analogy because it fits!) - who receives divorce papers, refuses to accept them, forces his way back in, takes a slice of your cake as though it is his right, bustles about as though by sheer willpower he will defy all evidence that YOU WANT TO DIVORCE HIM.

Its regrettable it has to be this way, gut-churning - but whose fault is that? It's HIS fault.

I say 'gut-churning' but it is just the law, as alarming as that appears to those of us who have had little contact with the steel girders that underpin our legal system. He's pushed it to this and, unpleasant as it is for you to enforce it, this is the consequence.

Lovely, get your big girls pants on to weather the fallout once this goes live. All that carry-on when he was served papers will be nothing to the display once this happens.

Be brave, darling. You're doing the right thing

You still want a divorce.

He has barged his way back in and is refusing to believe it.

He is not respecting your viewpoint.

Therefore you have had to lie. You have lied to keep yourself safe.

And that is how you can put it to anyone, including him - 'I had to keep myself safe.' No more needs to be said.

No real advice to give, just want to say that you are doing stupendously well keeping your head together and KOKO'ing.

And that I don't think I've ever heard of a man as completely stone blind to the reality of his marriage as your STBXH is! Just WOW! He must have an ego the size of the moon to be able to ignore all you've done to show him that you. are. DONE.!!!

Thank you so much everyone my MN bezzies!!

That's it, they've gone HOORAH! Wasn't too painful until H held my face and gave me about 16 alternate kisses on the cheeks in front of the kids as a jokey, we all love Mum, goodbye.

And he's now just phoned from the car, firstly to check congestion charge, and then to lightheartedly quiz me a bit about whether we're 'alright' because he can sense me pulling away and he doesn't want to force anything, isn't it funny/crazy/silly that I serve him divorce papers and then he came home and shagged me.....but, he feels things are on the up, all's great, the marriage is still intact, he's getting his contract finalised and it will be signed next week (I've layed it right on about that) - so let's all have a great weekend!

And that I will do!! God I'm going to enjoy some Vino this weekend knowing I don't have to face him again until Sunday night!!!

Put the bottles in your neighbours bin

Haha! Yeah good point Egg but thankfully I'm staying at hers otherwise I would have done

That sort of planning is obviously the sign of someone with a problem...

Hahaha! X

Uuuuurrrhhhhhhgggghhh!

He's a slimey twat chops.

Have a fab weekend name.

Have a great weekend and time away from his horridness, you really deserve the break x

Haha, Ahhh thank you!

Well, phone call number 2 from the car as he's still in traffic - worried about the divorce papers, please don't divorce him behind his back, it's all about communication, is this going to happen out of his control?

So I said 'Noooo! don't worry yourself, nothing more can happen without my or your say, let's just have a good weekend, relax, don't worry'

'Well, I am worried because everything that has happened has happened behind my back and you've been pulling away from me'

(gotta love he's making these calls from the car with the kids in the back but hey ho)

So I said, look everything's fine I'm just so worried about finances because YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED YOUR CONTRACT YET' and I just want to feel secure.

'I'm on it, I'm going to have it sorted next week, but is it alright with you if I talk to my lawyer about this because I just want to make sure.....'

Yes twatchops it is fine with me, please don't call me again!

He really is fucking unbelievable.

Agree, unbelievable

Is the contract something he would need to talk to his lawyer about? What with him saying it was already to be signed and all .

What is he up to? I wonder if he was recording those conversations they seem very stilted with specific questions re divorce, also I don't like him mentioning divorce in front of the girls. That strikes me as calculated to let him talk about mummy not allowing them to see him anymore. Why would he need to speak to his lawyer about signing a work contract. Very odd, I would say.

Anyway dear name have a brilliant weekend with your friend and enjoy lots of . An don't answer the ohone to him anymore let calls go to voice mail and then check to make sure it's not about the girls otherwise ignore him.

If he calls again asking about divorce etc can you just say 'do you think it is appropriate to keep talking like this in front of our children?'

I would second that, its a bit odd that he is suddenly coming out with all these questions when he could have asked them at home in person.

I would say you don't feel its appropriate to discuss it in front of the girls.

Also, if he does see a solicitor next week, be prepared for the questionning to ramp up, as his solicitor will probably alert him to the fact that there is a deadline on the divorce papers, and may suggest to him that he asks for proof that you are no longer seeking a divorce.

This is why I am slightly concerned about you waiting until the 13th, although I completely get the reasons (and actually agree with them).

Enjoy your weekend, try and disengage as much as possible from twatchops by letting his calls go to voicemail etc.

If he asks you in the forthcoming week about the divorce - oh, you tried to call your solicitor to sort it but she hasn't called back yet, maybe she is away....

Incidentally, what does solicitor 1 think is happening now?

Any time he brings it up just say, "well, if you dont trust me, i dont think we can work past that". Literally any time he mentions it, turn it round into how he is ruining your chance to fix things by being paranoid.
Broken record technique

As youve said upthread, it doesnt matter what youve said to him, youre keeping yourself (and - not that i think for a second there is a real risk - your children who are with him right now) safe.

It is perfectly reasonable to tell him everything will be fine when he is away for the weekend, alone with the children. Noone can say "but there was no need to lie, he wasnt there with you". Again, please dont think im saying there is any sort of risk, just that your behaviour can be excused by that 'potential'.

Hmm yes very odd, but then also not out of character for him, when he's alone in his thoughts like that in a traffic jam or whatever he quite often harasses me on the phone with things that could be/should be done better.

Solicitor 1 is on holiday until funnily enough the 13th.

I'll speak to her after I've seen the police.

You know, even with all this pleading/reasoning etc, he'll still be an aggressive arsehole soon enough next week and I don't believe he has the time to speak to a solicitor, I think it's all bluff, but obviously not taking any chances so if this solicitor asks for proof I'm calling the divorce off I'll say 'yep sure, leave it with me, solicitor 1 genuinely is on holiday and you'll have it next week, after I've given a full statement to the police and H has been called in for questioning on harassment....oh what's that you say? Proof no longer needed? That suits me better actually '

Thanks everyone anyway

Thats kind of handy that your solicitor is genuinely on holiday until that date - if he randomly decided to call her to check, then that is what he would be told!

If you can, stick with that rather than saying everything is ok etc, just say you're not able to speak to your solicitor until she returns after the 13th. Might make you feel a little better as you're not actually lying! Play him at his own game!