It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

They would have been. Domestic abuse is a big thing in the police, as we have been criticised so many times for getting it wrong. Thats why I am a little surprised that given they have made the decision to arrest him, they are going to wait until the 13th. As I said though, there is absolutely nothing to stop you from phoning in and seeing if it can be pregressed sooner.

Thanks for explaining KOKO!

My job isn't really that cool, although I guess lots of people think it is! It is nice to be able to give people advice though, and let them know what to expect to make the process a little less frightening. As I said, any questions you've got, please don't hesitate to ask.

Be brave you can do this for yourself and your girls KOKO

Hang in there Name. Can you stay on a little longer with your friend?

I will Fluffy, thank you.

This won't be popular but she did offer to get me in early next week and yes I want to get this over with asap BUT she explained she was away on a course next week and so I could either wait so see her on Monday 13th or see a colleague of hers before that. I chose to wait until the 13th because...

1. I liked her, we had a good rapport and she sounded really switched on and supportive. I don't want a colleague of hers now incase they're not so good which judging by my luck with all this probably won't be.

1. It's DD1's birthday next week and I just can't start all this then, I really can't. I want that out the way first. I wouldn't be able to manage all this, and cope with doing her party alone. I'm still new here and don't know any of the mums and it's taking all my strength just to say hello to some of them and start some small talk, I'm past caring what this will look like to family etc but to do it on DD's birthday just seems ultra cold. Plus if done afterwards it won't give him an excuse to exercise his parental rights in 'needing' to see her on her birthday.

1. The officer totally understood and said it was fine to wait until next Monday but to call 999 obviously if I felt threatened.

I can handle another week - we're not together this weekend, it's her party next weekend and I'll just KOKO for the week inbetween.

Thanks guys - not really yonic she's miles away so need to be back Sunday for the kids and school

Yes you can do it!!!
And also...I know I'm very much at the back of the class and one of the quiet ones amongst a sea of great advice and such great funny uplifting comments, but I wasn't always quiet...I was funny and lively and annoying sometimes and confident
Reading about your run in with him re the divorce papers last night sent shivers up my spine. That sort of cold detached calmness, rings so true.
You are probably helping thousands of women with this thread but when it comes down to it, it's your thread and your life and you've done all this on your own name Yes, your 'feeling the fear and doing it anyway', but isn't that the hardest thing to do? Your worth 100 of him and he knows it!!! Deep down he bloody knows it! Yes he's worried!!! His verbal punchbag is leaving him!!! And you are!!! Go name!!!

Oh thanks so much Augustus it's good to know others can be helped by reading this - I hope so.

The police officer (PO) has referred me to Victim Support's domestic abuse team and they've just emailed me offering support so I'm going to give them a call. Feel a little like crying and just holding out my hands and being led away.

Glad you are getting support

Oh my goodness...have just spent the last two days (interrupting 2 yr old) reading your entire story name. My god woman, you are amazing!! I am rooting for you so much, and your vile husband is something else! Im sorry I dont have anything to add that others have already said far more eloquently than I ever could have. keep going, you will get there, I have my poms poms out ready to keep cheering for you. Dont ever lose sight of how amazingly strong and wonderful you are!

I'm really glad you're getting a good team together on your side now.

If you have a wobble about whether you can do it on the 13th, just remember you aren't actually the one doing it.

He chose to act the way he did, and to break the law. You didn't do that.

The police are investigating the things he did that were against the law. That's their job, you aren't doing that.

If he's prosecuted, that is decided and carried out by the CPS. You won't do that.

All you need to do is be a witness. You're not doing anything to him, you're simply taking your part in a legal process.

Thanks for that Witch and Punk!

Spoke to the victim support lady, I'm going to see her straight after the police on the 13th, plus the PO just emailed me to say their solicitor is also happy to do me a non mol!

Some more great updates Name. You really are going from strength to strength. It is times like these where you truly discover the depth of the strength you have. It is normal to have a wobble here and there, but as you are learning, fear doesn't mean you have to stop what you are doing, it doesn't mean you can't reach your goal if you are determined enough, and this divorce is well within your reach to attain.

I've posted on MN before that I am a big believer that lots of seemingly small actions can lead to really big things, and I think your threads are a great example of that. Not only are your showing yourself to be a smart and capable woman (wouldn't TwattChops hate that I wrote that ), you are also setting a great example for the many, many women who are where you once were, who are contemplating a life away from an abusive man.

KOKO

You have been put in a horrible position OP, living with your abuser while filing for divorce, but keep on lying to him like you are doing. It is keeping you safe and is entirely his fault, if he didn't want to be lied to he shouldn't have moved back into the house after the divorce papers were served.

I have absolutely no qualms about lying under coercion.

hi Name

Checking in from Australia to say bloody awesome I'm so pleased with this new development.

I have sat here reading feeling totally gobsmacked and helpless when you had to let him home and then he wanted sex too!!!! I don't think I will ever believe that someone who was served divorce papers could come back and behave as he has.

There are no words for him Twatchops is too generous

Oh how amazing you will feel when you are rid of him and the countdown has started woohoo!

Rooting for you from Down Under

Please be careful and stay safe

xxxx

Thank you Zazzles that was lovely and so encouraging

Thank you Mexican, that really helps, I have been struggling a lot with the lying, not just physically doing it to his face but also how it makes me feel and potentially look like - he called me a liar and deceptive when he got the papers but you and everyone else here on MN, and the Victim Support woman I just spoke to, and both solicitors and the police and the lovely freedom programme lady are all in agreement - this isn't lying to deliberately deceive in a bad way, this is self protection that I have been forced into by no one else but HIM!

Thank you Nina, love the international support haha! I know, it's just crazy how much he tries to manipulate and how well he thinks he can do it. But yes, noted about staying safe, I really am at a critical point now this next week because he is wary of me I think from last night, although he woke me up with a kiss on the cheek this morning (Mmmmm!) and seemed quite smiley, although crocodiles can smile too as well as cry.

I'm waiting for him to turn up soon as he's going to pick the kids up straight from school and just go - thing is I'll have to go the school with him because I've put safeguarding procedures in place now that I have to be there if they are being collected by him. It's ok, I'll go under the premise of saying goodbye to them, which I will want to anyway.

yes this week is critical keep your wits about you but head down and keep trucking on then it will soon be over

get everything ready too so you can get the hell out quickly if you need to too

I don't trust that wankpot one iota I reckon he could turn in a millisecond

Name, you are lying to survive this next few days. Not out of malice, or meanness- just to survive. That is not wrong. this is a position that had been forced on you. The fact that it's feels wrong is because you are a decant person. And as for calling you a liar - we'll he'll say that no matter what you do. So, let him! What he thinks is no longer any of your concern.

Oh and can I just add, the way you have handled things since is came back is bloody amazing. So many threads I've seen that happen, for the poor OP to crumble and give up. But not you! Fabulous woman!

Most of us are used to lying to stay safe and so we totally understand how it is. You do whatever you can to avoid punishment - it is awful and destroys your self esteem even more - because you feel you just can't stick up for yourself. Plus it gives them fodder for more abuse - you become the evil one and they totally justify any behaviour towards you because you were lying and scheming. You can't explain that you had to, you just have to accept that you have hurt them and lied to them and that they look like the wronged party. it is so shit.

Just repeat to yourself and to anyone who asks "what choice did I have?". Ask them to consider your choices for a moment and explain to you what you could have done instead. They will be just as flummoxed as you have been.

Ahh thanks Feck!! I have crumbled so, so many times prior to this - this is not by any means my first attempt at getting away.......but it's bloody well going to be my last!!

Thanks Nina - yep stone cold sober and wits about me the whole week now!

He just called there, won't be back til 3 now which is good - I really didn't fancy an hour or so on my own with him in the house waiting to pick up the kids (phew!)

Brilliant thank you Whatdoes - absolutely my position - and that will be perfect to say to anyone after this 'well what would you have done?' - 'sat down and talked to him about how I was feeling!'.....ohhh Realllyyy!!!! Good luck with getting your point across there then

Thinking of you, name.
My dh had a week of travel at sea, and said it was the most arduous week of travel he's ever had in thirty years. Got to dry land at 6pm yesterday, and then drove 3.5 hours to get home. And then, you will appreciate this even more, he got up this morning and did the 40min commute to the office so he could turn in his time sheets and receipts. Knowing your story makes me appreciate him so much more-(not that I didn't before, ykwim).

About lying...You are doing the right thing. It is in self defense. Besides, think of the lies and manipulations he has put you through....I am a believer in what goes around comes around. It is just some payback, well deserved and overdue. He completely deserves what is coming his way.

I understand that on a certain level you feel some concern for him and the potential effects this may manifest into. You are a good soul, name, of course you will feel the responsibility...But it is misplaced. This all comes down to his behavior, as pps have said. Make an appointment in the future for yourself to feel bad for him...perhaps June 19th. Until then, just try to box it up and put it away...It really isn't appropriate, given why he has put you through, to care about him anymore.
Detaching is a process and the tangled mass of knots will take time to unravel as circumstances develop.
Keep On Keeping On
Keep On Trucking
Full Steam Ahead.

thing is I'll have to go the school with him because I've put safeguarding procedures in place now that I have to be there if they are being collected by him. It's ok, I'll go under the premise of saying goodbye to them, which I will want to anyway.

If he doesn't know about the safeguarding procedures can you ensure no one at the school gives it away when you both turn up?

I hope this delay in his not getting back til 3 isn't going to be another case of deliberate delay so you can't get away to your friend?

A new excuse perhaps:
You were exercising and pulled a muscle?
Stay safe.

There is an awful lot to be said for having a rapport with the officer dealing with the case - after all, the're going to be your point of contact, and you need to feel comfortable with them. I absolutely don't blame you for waiting at all. That said, please take her advice if you need to and ring 999 at any point in the next week should you need to.