It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

Thank you so much everyone

I still can't quite believe what has happened this afternoon and I am more than a tad nervous about it, but I'm looking forward to meeting the officer, she was really nice and so it feels positive at the moment although obviously is extreme as well! But - he really did harass me and pressure me into letting him return home and his behaviour is very strange for a man who has been served with divorce papers.

I just have no idea how my solicitor could think that we could live together with divorce proceedings happening - it's actually quite chilling - being taken seriously like this (and yesterday at the 1stop) has really worried me actually. I told the solicitor about him! we went through all my grounds for unreasonable behaviour? Anyway - brick wall climbed over there I guess!

H has gone to bed to watch a film. He was definitely revving up a bit tonight, I can see he's starting to feel comfortable again with being back here, it wasn't going to take long. It wasn't even an argument but the man is incapable of making a point about something he disagrees with without ranting and eventually silencing me until there is an uncomfortable air between us....and then that's when he would usually go into a sulk because he would feel then that the bad atmosphere was unjust.

But I cut him off and went out for a fag!

Oh sorry and yes pedant I am careful to the point of paranoid about Internet and phone history!

Name i am full of admiration for you.

Thanks so much Darkest

I'm actually scared! More than serving the divorce papers and that was bloody huge!

Being taken seriously has made reality hit big time and I don't want to go upstairs. Thank God we are having seperate weekends!

Fluffy - could he get a criminal record for this? Does a caution or bail or whatever result in a record or something on file? I'll ask the officer obviously at the time, just wondering nervously!

Name i think some of it is to do with the facts that
a. you have been emotionally abused for so long.
b. It has been minimized by others for a long time too (by that solicitor and to some extent your parents)
Now someone is taking your concerns seriously and it will feel different

I confided in someone in RL today and she was lovely and completely non judgemental (one of only 3 people in RL who has been)

I think we get so used to being treated this way and adjust our coping mechanisms to cope with it and then its a shock when that changes because in a way its another change we have to deal with .

I dont know about the criminal record thing (i hope he does get one the twunt) Hopefully some of the more knowledgable MNers will know. He fucking should get one though.

I haven't posted before but huge support from me (Australia for the record).

No criticism, but I would invite you to examin your motives for wanting to forewarn your husband of your next move. You have an instinct that before you take out the next court order you have to say something to him, as if making it less of a surprise will make it better; or maybe you just feel it's fairer that way. Personally I don't think you need to. He's so narcissistic and selfish that he's not going to take it well, no matter what.

Hi Name, just caught up with your thead, and saw the stuff about The Rottweiller. Love it! Am in awe that things have moved along so quickly and can completely understand your concerns.

Wishing you all the best luck, strength and courage to see you through the next steps Name.'Knowing' you, though, you will be fine .

He's so narcissistic and selfish that he's not going to take it well, no matter what.

So very true .

I think these guys have a point about forewarning your H. Surely there's a risk he'll try to punish you as a parting shot. I'd be inclined to keep schtum. If he asks why afterwards, well, he's already coerced you into sex once. God konws what he's capable of if he thinks he's losing control over you. Stay safe. His feelings are irrelevant in this instance.

That makes complete sense Darkest thanks! absolutely so used to minimising it and having it minimised for me. Glad you got some RL support too

Hi twentythree - thanks yes I get you, it's my silly old conscience again but now the police want to talk to him I will just happily step aside and let them carry on, I won't say a word!

Ah Thanks Zazzles! Yes never a dull moment round here haha!

Well I had to develop cystitis last night. He asked me outright if I had a problem with him err yeah kind of!! I just said no I'm just tired and then repeated that a couple of times before he got the message.

Although he did then mention the divorce papers - 'have you said anything to the solicitor name?' 'Um no, it's fine just leave it' 'but isn't there a time limit or something?' 'I'm sure it's ok don't worry' 'I am worried !' Err oh well don't be. goodnight!

This is just not a truthful conversation I can have with him unfortunately and it's all his own fault not mine!

Cross posts Dustbunny

Schtum I will keep no worries!!

You have changed so much since you started posting three threads ago, name. He just does not get it does he? It just shows how arrogant and lacking in emotional intelligence he is, to just come home and basically carry on as if nothing had happened, the serving of papers had been a Halloween trick and he could just (after a tiny effort) go back to being the biggest git on the planet and you were going to want to shag irresistible him too. Unbelievable!
We are endlessly waiting for the appointment for the surgery. Should be towards the end of October. Sooner would be good. Hope it doesn't spread while we are waiting. Remaining hopeful all will be well. Thanks for asking. KOKO, you are going to have the best Christmas ever!

Please be careful name.

This man will not go quietly.

I can't get over how shite the system you are in is though. You are being forced to lie to your STBXH in order to keep some sort of acceptable atmosphere and you are clearly not comfortable with this and when the shit hits the fan, you look lie the villain of the piece when it's the system forcing you into these dishonesties. You would clearly love to say to him, 'What part of the divorce petition did you not understand? Shall I get up at 6.30 and we will go through it syllable by syllable, before you trot off to work, just so we are clear this is actually going to happen Twatchops '.

Yet you are forced to lie, make nice and look totally dishonest when you are obviously not dishonest, which is why living with him is intolerable. It is hideous and unbelievable that you have been put in this situation.

If he is arrested, that will go on his record. If he ever wants to go to America for example, he will need to declare his arrest when he applies for an ESTA. An arrest in itself shouldn't need to be disclosed for anything else, but there are certain jobs that will ask about it.

If the case ends up not going anywhere at all, what we call no further action, then that will be it, he wouldn't have to disclose it other than what I've said before. There can be many reasons for no further action. It will be the cps (crown prosecution service) that make the decision, and is usually down to lack of evidence. This doesn't mean they don't believe you, but that there isn't enough evidence to take the case to court.

In order to receive a caution, he has to admit what he has done. I can see this being something that could happen for harassment possibly, but not rape, if he is also dealt with that. However, it's not beyond the realms of possibility. A caution stays on his record for ever, although most job applications etc only ask if you have received a caution in the last 5 years. As well as admitting the offence, the person has to gave no other cautions for similar offences.

The other possibility is that he is charged, and the case goes to court. This would involve you giving evidence at court, but measures can be put in place to protect you such as giving your evidence behind screens or via video link. If found guilty he would have a conviction which would always be on his record and need to be declared.

Name, if he is ramping up, please consider phoning the officer or asking to speak to another one if she has gone on leave. I know you're away this weekend, but if he is really pestering you and you're having to claim you have cystitis, I'm not sure this can wait until the 13th.

Dinnae thank you that is exactly true, I've been forced into this situation.

Oh fingers crossed for your DH? Surely they wouldn't just let him sit around with a risk of things spreading? Are you on a cancellation list as well for surgery? Thinking of you

Fluffy thank you I really appreciate you explaining things. But even still !!

I don't know if I can do this. He's been known to go to America a few times for work.

No I can do this, I can do this - he's making my life hell

You CAN do this, you really, really can. And you WILL do this, and then in a while you will be free. It's a hell of a fight but just think about being free of him and being in full control of your own life. It's there, just around that corner and over that hill.

You CAN do this. HE has brought this on by his behaviour, you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Bad behaviour has consequences, it's what we teach our children, and the same applies to adults.

Any time you have doubts, try and imagine your daughters all grown up and in a relationship, and going through what you are. What would you advise them? Or a friend, what would you advise them?

Of course it's scary, I totally get that. I'd be scared, and I understand the police process. However, you can't keep on like this, it will destroy you. The police are going to take action because they recognise how serious this is. We are all here to support you and hold your hand every step of the way.

You can, you can, you can! YOU CAN!

Again I really appreciate your advice and support Fluffy feeling better - got a lot of list making to do next week.

Thank you Poirot

Haha thanks Outflew!!

No problem. Domestic abuse isn't my forte, I work in fraud, but obviously I have a working knowledge of what happens. I have to say, like others, I am staggered at the advice you have been given by your initial solicitor, and seeing just how difficult it is for women to escape has really opened my eyes.

Its truly shocking that in this day and age, money still seems to trump safety, and the advice being given is to stay with the abuser and get it all sorted out as amicably as possible. Disgraceful! Its no wonder so many women end up feeling that they are simply not strong enough to do it, and its easier just to stay where they are.

However, I really get the feeling you're stronger than that name, and that this last week with the help of the FP and the rottweiler, you've turned a corner and seen that actually, with the right support, you can do this.

I have no idea what KOKO means (please can someone explain!) but it seems to be used a lot on here! Keep on going name, you're doing the right thing and although it may seem hard at times, just try and look to the future.

Aw thank you Fluffy, absolutely - it's a minefield of differing advice and brickwalls out there.

Koko means keep on keeping on I think - just seeing that here over and over has really helped, kept me focused and assured that I have no choice - this situation will literally be the death of me otherwise.

(your job is so cool by the way! )

You know I thought when those 3 police officers came round they seemed a bit ineffectual and it was another brickwall but they clearly thought otherwise, I think they were just assessing my immediate risk of violence.