It was never 'work stress', it's emotional abuse and you're going to get divorced because of it H! (part3)

[thenamehaschanged]

New thread!

As always I'm hopeless and can't link properly to my old thread Work stress? Err I don't think so mate'

Thank you everyone for finishing off the last thread- glad to be starting afresh actually! I did have a little chuckle about Greg the plumber (Phwoar!!) thanks H for the suggestion - us at Mumsnet ran with it and he sounds like my dream man haha!

Anyway - I'm upstairs as usual avoiding going down and seeing old King of the Castle in his throne. He came up half an hour ago in the hope of 'some action' but was told to bugger off - he's manageable at the moment because all of a sudden it's him who's 'scared to rock the boat' and keeps telling me how grateful if he is to have been allowed back - yack! (You didn't give me a lot of choice H though did you? You played every emotional card in your pack and then literally forced your way in!)

Anyway - I'm feeling strong, seeing the police tomorrow - and action plan will be in place!

Love to you all

thanks poirot! hope so!

He keeps checking on me 'are we ok babe? Are we?' and reaching out a limp, helpless hand for me to hold.

He wants my Amnesia to set in - he's being, to all extents and purposes a great Dad and Husband at the moment. He brought in 2 small gifts for the kids last night, put them to bed and took out the rubbish for me while I went and had a bath.

He took the kids off to school this morning and has been looking up presents for DD1's birthday next week.

He's also reading the Freedom Programme book 'Living with the Dominator'. Wants to change, wants to do the male FP short course, "60% of men improve afterwards" apparently.

I'm sure it would all be very seductive if I didn't already hate his guts.

The crux of it all though is this - if he was really to change, read the book and do the course and become less of the Dominator and more Mr Right, then he would have to respect my wishes to end the marriage and move on because I don't love him anymore - and of course he's not going to 'agree' to that, step back in the Dominator!

It's all control people, the nice, the nasty, the introspection, the apologies, the laughter EVERYTHING!

It absolutely is control, and manipulation. What a pathetic specimen he is. I'm so glad you can see through him and that you're not backing down. Because you know if you let him persuade you to try again, he'd be back to his nasty abusive domineering ways within no time. I'd call him a slimy little worm, but that would be unfair on the poor, innocent worms.

So does he think you've gone back to your solicitor and told her you've changed your mind? I struggle to understand how he can think you're 'ok' - you served him with divorce papers, for goodness' sake!

Found you! Everything crossed and you're right, he could change overnight into the perfect man but it's too late. They love went long ago.

My ex would always promise to change and last 4 weeks max then back to rinse and repeat over and over.

You're doing great!

You have the crux of it right there - You dont love him.
You no doubt loved him once, but his behaviour over the last few years and his attitude towards you has absolutely killed that love.
Even, as you say, he decided that he was going to change, you dont love him. There is no guarantee that the love would come back, more likely you would spend the rest of your life waiting for the mask to fall and the Dominator to return.
And you know full well that the moment you relaxed and gave your all to the relationship, he would feel that he was in power and it would all start again.
At the moment he is on the back foot. He knows that you havent called it off, but is hoping that the Mr Nic Guy Superdad act is going to suck you back in. This is, as you have identified, all about regaining power - because at the moment your threat to walk out on it all is putting you in charge.
So he is playing the nicey nicey game.
When he realises that its not working then he will get nasty and thats why you are taking the correct steps to get the order to protect yourself.
He is desperately looking for sex to mark his territory, and because it will be useful for his evidence that things are good - in his mind, and legally.

But the bottom line is that you dont love him. And if he were a normal man he might well be very sad about that, but he wouldnt want to force you to stay, or actually happy to spend his life with someone who doesnt love him.

Oh absolutely Poirot, no doubt there!

Outflew I honestly don't know - this is where his uselessness with forms and anything official such as timesheets, bills, divorce papers(!) works in my favour. We haven't mentioned the divorce papers and I'm certainly not going to bring them up, I think he thinks they can just be ignored and go away and that him 'trying again' with me is sufficient!

I would know if he'd instructed a solicitor because my solicitor would have been contacted by them and would have let me know, so at the moment I'm in this surreal situation where I'm sort of playing along with him in being pleasant so as to not cause aggravation, but not pleasant enough to engage in any more sexual activity and if Divorce Papers were to come up in conversation then a quick 'oh it's fine don't worry' would suffice.

I mean I still feel that I need to bring it all up when I know he's about to be served with a non molestation, I just can't have that appear out of the blue - him be served again at work when I waved him and the kids off that morning

I'm planning on a 'look, this just isn't working H' chat beforehand - he'll no doubt freak, he'll then get the notice of the order and then he will have to stay away and sort himself out a solicitor!

took out the rubbish for me while I went and had a bath

Is it only your rubbish, then. Doesn't he make any rubbish?

Bit concerned he's reading FP stuff tbh. Abusers use all that info to abuse more. You don't want to be giving him more tentacles to add to his already relentless set

yes, Im concerned that he is reading the FP stuff, and even that he is aware that you are in contact with them/doing their course.
Its well known that spectatcular abusers use psychology to further back up their own warped views, so please be very careful with that.

Thank you Stupidhead! Yes mine's absolutely the same, glad you got out.

That's great thanks Nettle - it's exactly how I feel - Daffs I know, my FP lady was a bit he shouldn't be reading that, it will just tell him how not to act for the meantime - and I said, 'yes I know, BUT he's already looked up the male course which tells them to read the book before going on it' And yes it was me that told him about it and therefore gave him the book but that was because he was pleading, absolutely pleading that he knew he was the problem and wanted to change and I was in a position of needing to keep to the peace, give him an inch but not a mile.

I know it wasn't the brightest thing to do but - I know where I am now, my mind is made up, i don't love him and never can again, it's dead, I'm not scared of being alone, I'm looking forward to it, there is no future for us - it doesn't matter what he does, or how he does it - it doesn't matter if he reads Lundy and Power and Control and starts quoting from them, none of it matters - it's over, absolutely and if he starts spouting that he has been taking steps to change for me then I will just turn it round on him and say well if you're not a Dominator then stop trying to tell me how to live my life.

I think this would be dangerous if I still had doubts, but I really don't, I know what I'm doing.....I think!!

You do know what you're doing and for what it's worth, I'd be playing it that way, too. I wasn't questioning that one bit - you're doing what you have to to keep him nicely in his box for now.

Good game, good game, as ol' Brucey would say!

:) exactly. Even if he becomes the most perfect example of a partner, he cant take away all the years of shit. And there is no way on this earth you will forget his behaviour around your pregnancies, even if you could if it were 'other' stuff.

Congratulate him on his new found understanding of his abusive nature and tell him his new partner will appreciate it. ... Because it is to late for you.
He would have found the fp for himself I'd you didn't point it out. So dont worry about that. That knowledge becomes a very handy tool to beat you with and you will become the abuser in their eyes with accusations of stonewalling, gaslight g and any other term they have learnt. Just be prepared for that. It is a mind fuck and makes you question yourself.

Thanks guys absolutely - this would be dangerous if I were more vulnerable but as you know I have been here for years falling more and more out of love with him each day until now there's nothing left.

It's picturing myself with him in our 60's and 70's, me having to wipe his arse no doubt and looking back on my life with him, what sort of a shell of a person would I be if I snuggled up to him and said 'we had some really amazing times didn't we BABE?'

What would the girls think of me? How would they turn out? Angry? Abused?

There's a few older women on the FP who have grown up teenagers, one has a son who has beaten her up a couple of times because he saw his Dad doing it :(

She's been reading the FP literature with her son though and he's starting to see it she says, but he's needed the police called on him a couple of times which is horrific.

H is the same. He's never hit his mother but he ignores her and speaks to her as if she's stupid. She calls herself stupid and is admittedly a bit of a moron but then she's been abused for years by his dad and then her kids and she has convinced herself that life's perfect.

No thanks!!

Yy. You don't love him, you don't want to be married to him. That's enough, without anything else.

....and that men know best and are the head of the household.

Blurrgghh!

Thanks Yonic, totally!

Hoovering always reminds me that abusers DO know how to act decently towards their family. Which only serves to prove that every insult; every rage; every silence, spit and slap; every unreasonable demand: was a choice.
Who wants to live with, bring up their children with, and have sex with a partner who chooses to do that to them?

I, too, doubt his sincerity with the nice-nice performance. I would not be surprised if he is well aware of the divorce papers' response deadline, and is manufacturing a list of favors he has done/will have done since "getting back together" only to turn it on you when he decides to turn angry. He is setting you up for shame and guilt, at a minimum. Those are like taser prongs of manipulation. I am so so happy for you that you can see through the performance and remain detached.

I agree with what whatdoesittake said about a response to his supposed epiphany from reading the Freedom Program (male version) material or attendance at any counselling sessions. This is not going to change him. It will only give him fresh material with which to embellish the fake facade.
"Tell it to the next one."

Absolutely Garlic..Octopus now!

yes Band agreed, it's all alterior. I subtly reminded him about his work contract this morning but I won't hold my breath - I can see it never getting done unfortunately.

You know as well as DD1's, it's also my birthday next week. I am not going to say a word. I didn't last year, or the year before and he had no idea, if I flagged it up to him before that I'd get a handmade card and maybe a trip to the pub. That was it. Infact the last time I celebrated a birthday with him was my 30th, 8 years ago, and he was late for it anyway! birthdays and Christmases have just slipped by unacknowledged for years. The thought of him remembering now and doing or getting me something just creeps me right out so I am keeping quiet, will have a celebratory drink with my friend this weekend and secretly tell myself that I am about to give myself the best and most amazing present I have ever had!

I am about to give myself the best and most amazing present I have ever had! - You so are!

Thanks Garlic!

He ignored your birthday? That kind of is the icing on the cake. I bet he will make a big show of it this time as another tick in the box.
Have a lovely day anyway.

Yeah whatdoes! proper arsehole that he is - it's ok - we didn't do anything for his either which was his choice, but I didn't 'forget' when it is.

And I wouldn't have bothered mentioning it here either but it's relevant to my current situation if he suddenly, out of the blue, after all these years bloody buys me something! I wouldn't be able to accept it

Woah! I've just been called my police community safety officer

She was lovely!

I'm going to go in and give a statement and then they're going to take Twatchops in for questioning over his harassment/coercion - to do this they need to arrest him so that they can take a taped statement but it will be a talk along the lines of 'now Twatchops, do you really think this kind if behaviour is acceptable'

OMG!!

She's then going to give me a proper talk re non mols and a referral for one if deemed necessary.

Fuck

Actually, this sounds like good news...don't think you'll have to worry about him buying you a birthday present after police have spoken to him!

Deep breaths beforehand and just tell it how it is. Do you know when this is going to happen?

Well bloody done!