I dislike my husband

[Edtfdess]

He's sitting here slagging off everyone. Just stomped off to the bathroom calling Cheryl Cole a 'talentless, Jordie Slapper'.

I've had to sit here tonight and suffer another diatribe on immigrants, music (he's a failed musician and v bitter), and anyone who isn't him.

I did actually argue my point on a load of racist crap, but that just makes it worse. No he's just angry, slumped on the otherwise if the sofa on his iPad.

I'm lonley. I'm so sick of this.

Op you've had some great advice on here, you sound lovely, clever, funny, a great mum, and he sounds bloody awful

Please take your baby and leave, there's a wealth of support on here and lots of support for lone parents as others have said such as benefits, training, childcare etc. you will also find you will draw strength from your child - because you'll have to.

My exh was a bit like yours and leaving was the best thing I ever did

The problem with voluntary work is that they all wanted references too! I found some amazing opportunities in victim support and things like that, but none of them could take me on without a reference.

The college have a policy of only giving references for the term after you leave.

I have no one at all for a personal reference. I rely don't know anyone (the friends I had didn't speak to me again after I left my first husband).

I know it sounds like I am making excuses, but I have tried everything.

Could you do some voluntary work to get some skills and a reference?

You need to get yourself and your baby away from this emotionally abusive arse. He's doing a great job of destroying your self-esteem. He will do the same to your baby in time. I know you won't want that, so you have to start to plan leaving him. You can do it.

With your ex's property co, did you work with his accountant? A supplier? As a tip, people are more likely to provide references if it's super simple for them to complete. Could you draft a simple reference (e.g. I confirm EDT worked at COMPANY from DATE to DATE) and ask them if they'd be prepared to sign it? That's all I had for my last job as nowadays that's all HR companies provide.

I read your OP and thought I had typed it myself. I also have a failed musician for a partner, he's got an opinion on everyone and it's so boring to put up with.

Mine is also heavily into conspiracy theories and the alternative media. My heart sinks when he starts on one of his diatribes. I can see his eyes glaze over and he froths at the corners of his mouth. I've also realised over the years that my partner isn't that intelligent and he sulks and tells me I'm 'close minded' when I pick apart his latest bullshit idea he's adopted from the internet. I could make up any old bollocks, label it as alternative and he would be all over it like flies on a dead sheep.

I'm trapped too. I'm not working at the moment but I own the house and he transfers money to me to pay the small mortgage.

You have my sympathy

Make friends with a MNetter near you and see if she'll write you a reference at least for a voluntary role after a few meet-ups?

He is fully aware you're much smarter than him, so he has to keep you suppressed. All he's really got over you is a louder voice and he knows it. He uses the few weapons he has so you are ground down and afraid to leave or even open your mouth; afraid to go out for yourself so you can make friends rather than your whole life revolving round the Great One. If he started to behave like a decent human being it would be easier for you to escape. He is not smart enough to have worked out that if he behaved like a decent human being you wouldn't want to escape.

I was going to say how about temporary work, which is how I got back into the job market after a lay-off, but - references again... Fruit-picking even? Have you tried the Jobcentre? I know that sounds mad, I've been the wrong side of the counter there as well so I know their limitations, but they can do stuff like subsidising you for a month's work trial which may be one way in.

Do you have a health visitor? Perhaps s/he could give you a personal reference. Maybe join a mum and baby group, do a bit of helping out then perhaps the organisers there could do a ref?

OP if you left, then yes, you'd rely on benefits and be skint, and yes you may have to accept accommodation that is less than ideal. Breaking away is a huge leap of faith and it's very very scary.

But that would be no harder than the life of misery you are living now, with an unpleasant, emotionally abusive man, who cares not a single jot for your happiness. Walking on eggshells, being bullied into listening to his shit (and it is utter shit), being punished for having opinions, the name calling...it just goes on and on.
I read your comment about his belief that the Japanese are descended from fish, and cackled loudly.
I'm not laughing now though - you're in a bad situation, and it's only going to get worse.

Speak to Women's Aid for sure, and think about leaving. xx

Or... I know thus sounds extreme... Church. I think you could volunteer at church without references and build a CV that way.

OP there is now something called the 24+ loan which you can take out for level 3 courses. Have a look on gov.uk. If you used it to do an Access to Higher Education course and then went on to do a degree, I'm pretty sure you don't even have to pay it back. Also most colleges have a bursary fund which you can apply to for childcare costs as well as travel etc. You could volunteer/do work experience whilst doing the course and get a reference that way. This is possible.

hi - surely your college tutor is one reference? ideally you had contact with more than one tutor at college and could therefore have two references?

in some ways this is a red herring anyway - with him or without this would be the same (though without you'd have the energy to do something about it and likely start building up networks and connections and friends who could help you out).

you're not working now and you wouldn't be working if you left him. benefits would be there for you in the interim till you could move forward.

the health care route sounds like a complete waste of money to me i'm afraid - these 'qualifications' that qualify you for nothing are not worth pursuing. if you could get onto an access course (one year) for example you'd then be able to apply for nursing degrees and secure an nhs bursary and fee waiver potentially. occupational health and podiatry also qualified for nhs bursaries the last time i checked.

alternatively see if you volunteer at your local hospice or nursing home and get some experience and references there. a local nursing home may be less officious in their need for references if someone is willing to come in and help out for free.

there are ways for all of this but currently the door is shut on the future because you're staying in a dead end. all of these things are doable once you get back into the stream of life. nothing is coming into that dead end misery you're boxed into now though.

So sorry to read this, OP.
I know it's easy to say LTB but really, why do you stay?
Does he have good points as well? Is he a considerate lover? There must be reasons why you married him.

www.gov.uk/nhs-bursaries/overview worth a look. also your local university site is worth looking at. there are lots of ways into things as a mature student and you shouldn't sell yourself short.

Thing is OP - what is more terrifying? The prospect of the unknown for the future, or the absolute certainty that this situation is your future FOREVER.

The UK has a decent benefits system - for all the bad press it gets. Plus your husband will be obliged to pay maintenance.

I know this might seem like a huge terrifying abyss, but in all honesty, you're clearly bright, and it's more an emotional leap of faith than a practical one.

If I were to break it down into steps:

1. Ring Women's aid, and ask for their advice. They should at very least be able to give you an idea of what the process will look like, tell you points you should raise with your solicitor, and overall just demystify the process a little. You could even ask them, what do women do when they need to leave, but have no accommodation or family to stay with? They will have seen many women come from similar situations.

2)Arrange for a 30 minute free consultation with a solicitor to discuss your situation, what you would be entitled to, and what your housing options would be. If you have concerns your partner would get aggressive, or refuse to leave, raise them with the solicitor. You might want to make a few appointments at different companies to see who you feel comfortable with.

3. Depending on what Women's Aid and/or the solicitors say about accommodation, go and speak to the relevant authority to arrange.

It will probably take a few weeks to sort out the accommodation, but at least the ball will be rolling.

Once you are out of that shit hole, THEN you can focus on the future.

Also worth pointing out that if you stay, your daughter will be "programmed" to actively seek out men like this when she is older.

sorry to bombard you but look at this - no fees, bursary, a science a level is desirable but not essential. it is really do able if and when you want to.

you need to get out of this marriage first though.

I think one step at a time, get yourself sorted before looking at education or jobs. You have a baby and we have a benefits system. Definitely ring women's aid and see a solicitor for the free advice if you can get it. Good luck, I feel so sad for you.

Don't even worry about work and education yet.
Your partner is a classic domestic abuser. I can't bear to read this thread. What a wicked manchild he is. Please make plans to get out even if you don't do it straight away.
I second CAB and,Women's Aid and getting the Lundy Bancroft book from Amazon.

So sorry to hear you are having to put up with this arse! Have experienced similar myself but at least I am able to walk away and OH has got a bit better over the years although I still get the occasional tirade about immigrants, Muslims, gays etc. With regards to your cv, don't forget that in relation to any H & SC type roles, you now have the best possible experience, which can be verified! You have looked after a baby for 2 years. Could HV help with ref?

Would it be possible to get involved in a play group with DD and take some responsibility for organising some aspect of it and increase this through time?

I do agree you need to get away though!

Regarding courses..... you can take a deferred loan out for part time courses (lower level and higher level) You don't have to pay them back until you earn over 21,000. Or, when you decide to ltb, you will most likely get lots of benefits and through them, be entitled to even more help including childcare costs so DD can be looked after while you do them. I'm in that position now. Loads of help out there, but you have to want to. Have to get to your breaking point first. It's tough to make that decision, but you can do it, when you are ready.

Japanese people come from fish???

you must leave

Thank you all.

Sorry I disappeared, I didn't sleep last night so I've been napping when dd naps today.

I will look into all those courses.

That's another problem with my husband. He's always going on about how hard he works and that I don't, but then he doesn't wante to go back to college and leave dd in childcare.

That level 2 I did was too easy - I finished the entire course on three a months on my own and got a distinction*. I should have gone higher looking back.

That's most likely because he wants to have a reason to continue to resent you. If you go back to college or start working, then he wouldn't be able to berate you.

He really does sound like a total knob end.

As others have said, figure out how to LEAVE first. Then you will have the time and space and energy to work on your future.

If you do it whilst you are still there, I guarantee he will ramp everything up to undermine your confidence in applying for anything, or somehow think of reasons to prevent you from making any progress.

Basically he just wants you to be kept as unhappy as possible.

See, that's not the case. Before de he was on and on at me to get a job, he used to put me under so much pressure. He's very materialistic and wanted two incomes to get a better place to live.

It's just now he doesn't want me to leave dd until she's a bit older.