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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I dislike my husband

167 replies

Edtfdess · 26/09/2014 21:16

He's sitting here slagging off everyone. Just stomped off to the bathroom calling Cheryl Cole a 'talentless, Jordie Slapper'.

I've had to sit here tonight and suffer another diatribe on immigrants, music (he's a failed musician and v bitter), and anyone who isn't him.

I did actually argue my point on a load of racist crap, but that just makes it worse. No he's just angry, slumped on the otherwise if the sofa on his iPad.

I'm lonley. I'm so sick of this.

OP posts:

Frogisatwat · 27/09/2014 08:09

You can do it on your own. My childrens father was similar. He'd drink too much and start ranting on in a similar way.
There is a lot of help out there for lone parents (or there used to be ) with courses/childcare aimed at getting you back in the workplace.
Oh the relief of being sat on an evening in glorious silence.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 27/09/2014 08:14

When I hear people on threads like this say 'He always says it's me, there's something wrong with me, it's my fault, I make him like this, perhaps I am being unreasonable and difficult to live with? Perhaps I do belittle him and undermine him and nag him? Perhaps he has a point?'

Yes. Perhaps. There are always two sides to every story. And?

He is free to leave if your behaviour or your attitude is in any way intolerable. Being of the opinion that you are badly treated by your partner is not a justification for becoming a horribly abusive arsehole yourself. If the relationship has descended into a state of loathing and contempt on both sides it really doesn't matter whose fault it is, or who winds up who.

You are both capable of recognising that it is unhealthy and dysfunctional and you are both capable of taking steps to stop perpetuating the misery.

It doesn't sound as though he is going to do it, so you must.

BlackDaisies · 27/09/2014 08:15

What scares you about leaving?

NorksAreMesssy · 27/09/2014 08:16

What are you terrified of?

BlackDaisies · 27/09/2014 08:16

Obviously I know it's scary, but what in particular scares you? Is it his reaction? The thought of being alone? Money?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 27/09/2014 08:19

You are already raising your child by yourself except you have a dead weight dragging you down whilst you are doing it.

TheHoneyBadger · 27/09/2014 08:21

life could be so good, so peaceful and free.

you could create a little home that is a haven for you and your baby and live exactly as works best for you.

you could be free of all this and have all of your options open for the future.

you could study something part time and work towards having a career you enjoy and supports you by the time your dd starts nursery.

there are really so many options IF you have your hands free to grasp them which means letting go of this awful situation first.

TheHoneyBadger · 27/09/2014 08:23

my son and i lived in my one bedroom place till he was 18months old and we didn't have much money but life was good and we had a peaceful little world in which to savour that period of our life together. you and your dd deserve that same savouring.

formerbabe · 27/09/2014 08:23

This is so dreadful....if I was you I would make a plan to leave. What a life...sounds like anything would be better than that.

Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:27

I tried for two years to get a job. No one would have me, I tried call centres, waitressing, dodgy kebab shops the lot.

I did a health and social care college course 18 months ago but that only qualifies me for min wage shift work. I applied for hundreds of those but as I don't have any references I got nowhere.

I need the higher level course, but dd is only six months.

It's all a big mess.

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Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:28

I was married to my ex from 18 to 30, I helped him out with his business, but that's a bit meaningless in real terms.

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LumpySpacedPrincess · 27/09/2014 08:30

I feel for you sweetheart, he sounds like an utter prick.

Start to think about leaving. Phone women's aid when you can and here is a benefit's calculator.

You will be free one day.

Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:30

I've brought the baby in the bedroom for her nap.

He was sat in the living room with us but wasn't uttering a word so I've left him to sulk.

When he's like this, angry at me for something I've supposedly done to him and I try to make up he says I don't give him the space he needs to calm down. When I give him space, like now, I'll be accused of running away. I can't win in this situation either.

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weebarra · 27/09/2014 08:33

I never post on relationships, but I really had to today. He's really done a number on you. You come across as a funny, intelligent woman, married to a cock.
Spending 12 years of your life "helping out" with your ex-Hs business is not nothing - it can go on a CV just like any other work experience!

Fairylea · 27/09/2014 08:33

Your work experience for your ex isn't meaningless. How are you putting this on a cv? You should be calling yourself a business administrator or marketing executive or whatever it was that you did and listing the things you did for the business as if it was any other job. If you need help with your cv I can help - I used to work in senior hr.

You can get out of this and be happy again. I promise. He sounds abusive and absolutely dreadful.

jaffacake2 · 27/09/2014 08:35

Just think how this is going to affect your little girl as she gets older.
She will learn that women should be submissive, sit there and be shouted at, threatened, have lemonade poured on them.
This will be her role model in life which will lead her into the same sort of abusive relationships and misery that you are now facing.

You clearly love your baby and are doing a great job caring for her in difficult circumstances.
You must gather up the strength to move on,
Phone Women's Aid you are a victim of emotional domestic abuse and will be offered refuge accommodation. From there with the help of their staff they will support you to be rehoused and claim benefits. It will work there is a way out.

Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:36

It's on my cv. He developed property. He lived abroad so I did it all, accounts organising build, project managing etc. That and a job I had in music from 16-19 is on my cv. However, the music company closed years ago and my ex would never help me out. The feedback I've got from countless jobs is I can't prove I did any of it. No references or anything.

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Fairylea · 27/09/2014 08:38

Highly wrong I know but do you have any friends you can pretend worked for the company (or even owned it) and put them down as the reference so if anyone rings them they can verify your experience? I wouldn't normally advise lying but in these sort of situations it's really the best thing you can do.

Quitelikely · 27/09/2014 08:39

It's never to late to get back on the career ladder. Tbh I think it's the only way these days. Most women need a back up plan and when they have a career/job it always makes there life easier. Are you interested in retraining or going back to college?

Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:39

But when he turns it all round and blames me it's so hard.

Later on, when he decides to speak to me again, I am going to pay for taking dd off for her nap. He'll be moody with me, accuse me of running away. When I say to him 'but you always tell me u don't give you the space to get over your anger' he'll throw that back at me somehow too. He's never wrong.

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JugglingFromHereToThere · 27/09/2014 08:40

Massive sympathies, but LOL at the Japanese people and their relationship with sushi. I lived in Japan for a little while. Sushi is lovely, as are the Japanese (sorry have only read first page, will try to catch up ...)

formerbabe · 27/09/2014 08:40

You won't be able to 'win' ever with him....don't let money put you off from leaving...look into what benefits you would be entitled to.

weebarra · 27/09/2014 08:41

Fairylea is right. I'm a careers adviser and I really wouldn't normally advise lying, but needs must. What about voluntary work, I know DD is very little, but it's a good way to get up to date references?

Inertia · 27/09/2014 08:41

If the thought of leaving terrifies you, can you think about breaking it down into small chunks and planning ahead? It might be worth getting advice now so that when you are ready to leave you know what to do. The fact that you have access to the bank accounts means that you can start squirrelling some money away in an account in your name - perhaps call it the holiday savings fund in case he finds out.

What he has done already is abusive.

Original poster

Edtfdess · 27/09/2014 08:41

Yes I would go back, but the help to college courses doesn't exist anymore for over 25s.

I did the level 2 course with lots of other single parents, not one of them was able to go back to do level 3 as that was the last year of getting help.

The course is 9k a year. So 18k to still get a min wage job at the end.

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