After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

Difficult day I'll post details when I don't have 2 children attached to me. Thanks for asking all of you

Xx

Sending you love and strength x

Sending you love and strength too, you will get through this x

Hope you're ok weed

Well it seems that the whole police reporting issue might be taken out of my hands. The marac meeting went ahead. I have been asked to make a recorded statement to the DV police specialist officer tomorrow. The domestic abuse champion woman has said I need to be really honest & open about the forced sex as marac consider it a serious assault. There was also ? about the dc's safeguarding. She said they were concerned that I initially didn't recognise that the assault was abusive & serious. Therefore my capacity to assess risk for the dc's might be seen as compromised. Fuckety fuck. She said the fact that I have got him out of the house is seen as a positive & protective factor of my family.

Straight after that I have to see the independent domestic abuse person. H has no idea any of this is going on

I am bricking it about the dc's.

If they are using the term 'serious sexual assault' do they mean R by penetration? From a crime POV? Dies anyone know?

Hand holding weed. Here's the Met Police's definition of serious sexual assault :

What is a serious sexual assault?

Assault by penetration - a person commits assault by penetration if they intentionally penetrate the vagina or anus of another person with a part of the body or anything else, without their consent.

Right. Shit

Personally I cannot see that you have anything to worry about re your DCs. You have removed the danger by getting him to leave and the meeting acknowledged that. The only concern would be if you crumbled and had him back again but you seem so much stronger than that.

Be kind to yourself weed

Weed I know how scary this is but you are doing great and you need to show them that you will continue to get stronger and in no way wish to return to the abusive relationship now that you have made the break.

You do this for a living so you know what they need from you to reassure them that your ex will not be allowed to return. Welcome their input. Ask for help to get stronger. Access the freedom programme. Take the legal steps to keep him away by gaining an occupation order. Work with them until they are confident you can do this long term.

They don't want to upset your dc but they want to make sure they are not witness to further abuse. Give them every reassurance that you understand their concerns and that fear kept you from acting earlier but now that you are free from his clutches you have no wish to return.

You have come a long way in a very short space of time and you should take comfort that you have changed your situation so much for the better already. Imagine how much stronger and happier you will be with each day that passes. It will get easier

And he did this NOT you! Please don't take responsibility for the behaviours that have got him to this point.

Social services will definiti not be interested in removing your children, however if you go back to him or allow him into your house, or allow him to use the DC to get to you etc they may well make child protection plans for them. Just stay strong and keep him out.

Well done on everything you've managed so far weed. What a nightmare you've been through

Weed I think they are saying that because of the fact that sometimes it comes across as if you aren't aware how serious it is what your dh was doing. I know it has become normalised for you and when your living in a situation like yours it doesn't feel all dramatic and serious. But to an outsider they see it as an eye opener iyswim.

I know you don't like all the fuss etc and it must be terribly unsettling for you but you have done the right thing in documenting your H behaviour. He is dangerous and they know it.

Please don't feel guilty or that you have done anything wrong. You have been a brave, strong woman. It takes real guts to do what you have done.

Keep posting. We will all help where we can.

They have to flag it up in no uncertain terms. In a way it's a blessing because it rips the fog from off your eyes, sharpish. You, we know, the dc's welfare is top of their agenda and they can't be thinking about a caregivers feelings. Having it spelled out is a blessing, it does the work 'for you' iyswim, takes it out of your hands.

You have a story to tell, weed, once this is all over re you, a DV trainer, got caught in it - which just goes to show it can happen to anyone .

You have already got him out: SS pressure clarifies he needs to stay out, no room for (your) guilt, confusion etc re he won't be able to wheedle his way back in using a whole bank of manipulations; the SS bogey ensures he won't be successful.

Hold on, weed, this hell and confusion will pass. You're doing so well, keep going

Weed you have done brilliantly so far. My DSis was the same - she was shocked that the MARAC meeting took her situation so seriously as all that had happened was "normal" for her, following the meeting she had locks changed; alarms fitted; anti vandal paint on back fences and walls all within a matter of hours.

Take advantage of everything they offer you in terms of protection/support

This is in no way a dig at you Weed because you have just got out of a horrendously abusive relationship and that is so brave. I have just read through this thread and feel so staggered that even though you Weed works in social care and has experienced 9 years of horrendous domestic abuse and rape, you still have had a hard time extricating yourself and dc from it and still cannot bring yourself to use the word RAPE nor feel it applied to you despite being pinned down under coercion.

No wonder the authorities will judge your ability to keep your dc safe because you have tried and are trying to keep a terrible secret, and we can all understand why but more than that, this thread just reinforces how horrendously difficult this is for ANY woman. Knowing how the system works seems to be no safeguarding to it happening.

Weed, you kept HIS secret from your coworkers out of fear and humiliation, please do not feel any more need to keep his secret. It is very very important for your dc's safety and your own to recognise he has severely damaged your judgement if you cannot bring yourself to accept what he has done to you.

If you are open and upfront now with them about what happened to you and acknowledge your dc know also (it sounds as if your ds has been trying to keep the 'pushing about' secret too, the poor love) and appreciate you have been badly damaged then that will help your case.

I have written down everything wot to show the police & the dv service. I cant speak about it. I can't say the R word but I have just wrote down exactly what happened that night & other physical incidents, the facts, dates, times etc. Thank god I keep a diary. They can decide what to do with it. It's not my job to work out if it's abuse, a crime, serious etc. I will let them determine that as you are right. I know my judgement is severely impaired. I told my best friend the full facts and she burst in to tears. I didn't expect her to do that. I thought she would say I have gone OTT. What you are saying makes total sense & is exactly what I would say to staff. Thanks everyone. I'm off to see the DV officer now & give them this piece of paper. I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't know my arse from my elbow. How did this happen?

I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't know my arse from my elbow. How did this happen?

Weed, darling - it didn't just happen, your ex did it. None of this is your fault - not in any way, not now, not ever. Don't go questioning yourself or beating yourself up with shoulda, woulda, coulda - you did what you needed to survive, you've looked after your children and you've got them out into a safe situation. You should be nothing but proud of yourself for being so brave and strong. xxx

Wot. Your post was very harsh! Give the woman a chance she is trying to come to terms with the end of her marriage to a man she loves. She has removed him from her family and also reported him to the police for a very serious crime for which he might be severely punished.

This has all happened in a very short space of time and Weed is trying to process it all.

Weed I'm so glad you told your best friend.

How did this happen?

I don't want this to seem as if I'm trivialising it, but I watch Derren Brown on TV and I think, "How does he do that? Somehow he gets inside people's heads and gets them to do or say what he wants, while all the time they think they made a free choice." Your H is the same. Over the years, he has got into your head and manipulated you into doing and saying what he wants, and accepting it as your decision and your choice, when it was nothing of the sort.

It's not ideal (embarrassing for you) that you know professionally the people who are dealing with this but they seem to be doing a good job so far, so please try not to be embarrassed and accept any help they are offering.

I don't think wit's post was harsh. Op needs reality, neat, atm. SS are going to be giving it in spades - and they won't be nice about it, as wot was.

Many years ago I went to a WA support group for DV victims. It was set up by a woman who had been a victim if DV. Funding ran out and the local council took over, putting a woman in charge who had never experienced DV but had all the training. That woman was a thorn in our side, she had no real idea what it was like to be caught in DA's clever and insidious net. She thought she knew it all. I'm not saying you are like her, weed; I am saying that it really could happen to anyone; and those who have experienced it know that. No amount of books or training can inure you from it be a use it doesn't work like that.

The thing is, this has been going on for years and all that time you have desperately WANTED it to be nothing, normal, just your imagination/overreaction, just something you "made him do" and therefore can avoid next time by not "provoking" him.

Because that would mean you are OK, you are safe, you are happily married, your family is intact.. everything most people want.

And all that time, HE has been pushing the same thoughts at you too - he wants you to believe all that, for all the same reasons as you did, but also so he can still consider himself a "good guy", normal, innocent and a fine upstanding member of the community. Not to mention avoiding ending up in jail.

So I guess you have both been living in a sort of cognitive dissonance - blocking out any facts that don't fit in with what you both wanted to believe.

Now you are starting to challenge this, but that means shaking up your whole view of the relationship, your family life and everything that's happened since you first met. No surprise then that it feels so scary and confusing. But I think once you start to get through this, you should feel a lot clearer in your head, as you will no longer be trying to force yourself to believe things that don't really fit in with the facts.

He, on the other hand, desperately needs to keep the "fantasy reality" alive where he is the good guy (and not at risk of ending up in jail). A part of that is likely to be transferring all the blame for everything, ever, onto you... it was all "your fault", you "made him do it", if you had only done everything he asked ever, he wouldn't have "had" to hurt you....which is bullshit obviously, but a big part of why he is so dangerous to you now. So please, as others have said, do not be alone with him OR allow the children to be alone with him at any point!

I hope things went as well as they could with the DV officer, I have no practical advice above what you've already been given, I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you