After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

He's fine. Selfish bastard has just rung me. He really scared me. I've told him in no uncertain terms if he pulls a stunt like that again I will just ring his mum & she will have to deal with the consequences. FFS!

He said he has nothing. - HE threw it away! He beat it, raped it, abused it and threw it away - tyhat's why he has nothing. Poor him!

Call the police. Inform them - you can't do anything.IF it's a real attempt, they can help. If it isn't, then he knows he can't pull that one on you!

Massive xpost!

Still, as pps have said, he's following the script.

Apparently he loves me, he didn't realise how much until now. I don't & never have loved him because if I did I would persevere?! I'm stunned.

Weed, this is all tactics to draw you back in. You must disengage.

you'd be so much better off not speaking to him, and certainly not listening to him.

don't believe a word he says!

God, even now he's trying to make it your fault. There's nothing you can say to this man: it will ALWAYS be your fault if you discuss this with him. He's desperately, pathetically hoping you're going to fall for this. Maybe in the past you've given him the benefit of the doubt. But you won't again, will you?

Next time, the moment he starts to blame you for any of this, abruptly end the conversation and hang up. In fact, don't talk to him on the phone at all.

I do know this must be horribly hard for you

No good can come of direct contact with him at this time weed. Don't answer his calls. If he needs to communicate with you can he do it through your brother?

I don't think anything he says can change things. You know he can't be changed. There's just no point in conversing with him. It will cause you stress.

He was never going to do it! Love does not mean accepting abuse. His love is a funny kind!

You said his dad was abusive, he is abusive please save your dc from turning out like this!

Have you told anyone in your family that he threatened to harm himself?

Yes I told my mum & she said the same as you lot. It's just games. He reels me in by asking to speak to the kids & then starts blaming me. How long are we looking at before it turns to anger? In your experiences how long before he turns nasty? I'm bricking it because it feels like the splitting process for us is on fast forward. I wish I had a guidebook or manual.

He'll be nasty anytime soon. Stay close to your family and get the solicitors moving asap.

Don't waste your breath trying to get him to see your POV.

I wasted months, no YEARS actually hoping that if I could just phrase it like this, he would have to SEE that he'd left me no choice but to leave him.

Of course he never, ever got it. It was like he'd forgotten trying to strangle me, forgotten all the horrible names he called me (or more likely he just believed they were just and appropriate)

In fact, although things have been calm for years now, as recently as last summer he said to my mother i did nothing wrong. My Mother didn't argue with him. She knew before I understood this absolute Truth, that an unreasonable man doesn't become reasonable after you leave him.

You just have to learn to live with his low opinion of you! That is possible and it gets easier quickly if you don't defend yourself and don't engage. For me to begin with even after I'd left with it was really hard to stop defending myself against all of his accusations. He was the martyr. He was the victim. I was the cold hearted selfish bitch who owed him another chance but wouldn't give it to him! Nothing I said moved us past that.

But when your x realises that you can live with his low opinion of you then he will have to look for a new victim/woman.

Anyway, things here have been calm for years. Now he treats me with haughty indifference! Brilliant sez I.

Weed it would honestly be better if for now you didn't let him speak to the children on the phone. It's all to raw and he is using it as a source of manipulation towards you. Unless there is a way for him to talk to them without you having to be on the phone.

Each time you have contact with him it's going to mess with your mind.

I think your family have your back, I don't think they're going to give him an inch. Keep them in the picture. Keep talking to us.

I know this is a massive upheaval but believe me it's going to be worth it.

Re the anger thing - this is why it's vital to talk to the police because if you think he is the sort who would come to the house angry and shouting etc they can fit an alarm type thing that would connect you straight to your local police station. Someone here might know more about that. But if you fear him in that way then it needs to be considered.

Not sure how to link OP, but type this into the mums net search bar -Midlife crisis: this is the script! It might provide interesting reading. Stay strong.

Thinking back there was the flowers being sent and presents.. wanting to talk and letters.. then when you don't respond the way he wants or you're not taking him back quick enough the nastiness starts and hopefully not the backhander I got dished out. It's the getting to you using the kids which really rinses you out though because of the guilt.

The roller coaster they put you on is knackering but support really helps with that. Keep strong.

gamer he will defo bypass the flowers & present route, I didn't even get flowers for pushing babies out!

It is defo the using the kids to get to me thing I'm finding hardest. I'm struggling to say I want to go no contact because I don't want the kids to suffer.

I want this to be amicable whereas he just keeps saying this can't happen. We are not breaking up.

I'm going to email & say only email me, I'm going to change my sim tomorrow, if you want to speak to the dc's email & I'll get them to ring.

Great idea, that way you don't have to listen to his selfish idiotic drivel! Go you, doing so well

Excellent idea, weed. I was just going to suggest you stick to email for the moment and get a new sim. Keep the old though, so that you have evidence if you need it later (he's bound to send you a few nasty texts).

Remember, just because he wants to speak to the children, doesn't mean he has to. Depending upon ages, a call twice a week is OK, and if he's the slightest bit off, then hang up for them.

Personally, I don't think it's good for the children to have any contact with him at all at the moment. Better keep them nc for a few weeks, but that's something for you to decide.

You are doing really really well; KOKO!

how long before he turns nasty?

I suppose one way of looking at this monster's actions is to regard everything he says and does as nasty. Because it is. Because that is ALL he is. Nasty.

There is not a single word or deed emanating from his disgusting self that has any kind of innate grace or goodness about it. Everything is about owning you by whatever means.

You, however, are amazing!!

it might be worth saying to him that when he has accepted that the relationship and the marriage is over, and calmed down and moved on, then and only then can he have the opportunity to begin to prove himself as a father.

my x gave me petrol station flowers and a curly wurly or something like that when I left. then got angry when i didn't melt at his generosity.

Well the shitty behaviour has started. He turned up here 'to put the dc's to bed' he just walked into the house, didn't knock. I let him put dc's to bed because tbh I was scared.

He then came downstairs promising to stop drinking, he will completely change etc. He tried to hug & kiss me & tell me he loved me!!!!!!! At that point I phoned the police & told him to go. He left. Police are coming back tomorrow to talk about injunction. I am going to get a handyman to deadbolt door. He wasn't threatening or aggressive it was his complete inability to listen to me that got to me. He honestly thinks I'm just going through a phase & making a point. I point blank said I will never ever be in a relationship with you again & his response was to ask if he can move into the garden room. Sorry you are all right. I am going completely no contact until he gets the message.

Xpost Tyskie I know its inappropriate but the curly wurly made me laugh, the romance & deep thought that went into that!!!

Really feel for you. Keep going, stay strong. My stbxh followed the script similarly, next stage for him was vague threats of violence, accusations of me purposefully ruining kids lives by splitting with him, telling kids it is all my fault, how he could make it all better if only I would let him, eventually hinting that the kids were not safe with him and might not come back from contact, intimidating us in our home, more vague threats of violence. This terrified me so much, the thought he might hurt the kids and only I could save them by getting back with him, that I did get back with him.

Needless to say it didn't work out. The second and final time we split I was wise to him, didn't let him manipulate me and stuck to minimum email/text contact. Over a year on, he is still mostly nasty, occassionally not, but all at a distance and if he gets too bad through a third party.

Sounds like you are getting wise to it all. Don't listen to what he says, they all say they didn't mean to do it.

You loved him honestly. He loved abusively, the only way he could. The only way he can.

Hi - it's probably a good idea for you to have a chat with 'Women's Aid' as they are a font of knowledge about how to manage situations such as this, and all the emotional blackmail that he's going to give you, how to keep safe etc.

The next person you want to speak to is a solicitor to help you get a Non-molestation order and a Occupation Order on your home (if it's in joint names). They will also explain how to divorce him. Many solicitor's do a free initial consultation.

If a solicitor is unaffordable to you, then pop down to the CAB for a chat with them. They will be able to talk you through the paperwork, and also advise you on any benefits that might be available to you.

Splitting up with your husband is not just managing the extreme emotional behaviour, but also the practicalities of paying the bills etc.

Hard work - but it'll be worth it for you by the sounds of it.

Good luck!!

his complete inability to listen to me this would be the mindset that allows him to rape you too. Because are you saying anything he needs to heed? No, obviously not.

Can he move into the garden room?? Trying to hug and kiss you?? That's assault by the way

Yes, the only way to go now is no contact at all and access probably suspended until he can show that this can be done without being in your home. Might you consider telling the police about his violent attacks now, please? It would GREATLY help towards an injunction.