After 9 years I have finally got out but it all feels so wrong!

[weedinthepool]

I have had other threads on here under this username & various others.

H is financially, emotionally, sexually & physically abusive. He is the one who told me that the childhood sexual abuse I suffered was my fault because I make people hurt me.

So yesterday I got out. I'm at my mum and dads with my 3 dc's. A couple of weeks ago H went out, got steaming drunk, came home, pinned me down, had sex with me forcefully and then bit my shoulder so hard it bled and is still a mess. The financial abuse has meant I can't buy the dc's winter coats & yesterday I had to secretly go to work in the morning, if I had told DH I was working extra hours he would have kicked off about the petrol use. My mum just asked me outright if he had been hurting me & I couldn't hold it in. I've kept this secret for 9 years and now its out. What have I done? The dc's are all over the place, H is going out of his mind, I didn't sleep, I can't eat, I feel sick. I just want to go back there is something wrong with me.

My stbxh also insisted on coming round to put kids to bed, despite never having done so before, ever! And used the chance to declare undying love/threaten me/shout/emotionally blackmail me. Injuction sounds good.

It's so very hard but the truth is that when a family breaks up the routines involving starts and ends of days has to change. Everything is changing and hurting but it is madness to try and keep those routines. Just my opinion, and I understand the need to hold onto the known, like a comfort blanket, when the unknown is breathing down your neck.

BUT this man is a vile abuser who has invaded your home, called the shots and molested you. Again. He does not accept NO when it comes from you. He never will. He is dangerous. With an alcohol problem too?

I'll shut up now, I'm just really concerned for your safety and your nice-ness. Talking with WA is excellent advice.

No tipsy you are right. The continuing of routines for dc's can't remain. It will only confuse them & make me lose my sanity (again).

I need him away from me. From us. I need a clear run at detaching and getting him out of my life for a while is the only way. He is literally doing my head in.

Hi Weed how are you today? I agree with others who have said WA will be able to offer you sound advice on whats to come and how you can handle it. These men seem to follow a pattern so WA are well aware of what to do and can advise whats next.
Mi can't believe he just turned up at the house. I totally agree with changing the locks and about the dc routine. It's changed now and it's going to stay changed. Don't let him back to put them to bed or in the house to have a visit. Try to set up agreed days/times and a mutual location, say at his sisters house.

Try not to be alone with him because he will try to get inside your head and use false promises to do that. If you take him back he will find a way to punish you big time for daring to leave him.

He's not your future. Stay strong girl. WA will also be able to advise about contact arrangements with the dc and what might be the best way to drop them off etc

"also have to face colleagues who will say I can not believe weed has allowed this to happen to her."

I just want to say - that thought might be scary/embarassing, but in the long term there are two great things about it. The others realise "even weed could be in this kind of relationship", so who else could be, which other strong confident women?
And you will be able to speak about this more authoritatively in the future. That even knowing all the "head knowledge" isn't/wasn't enough.

stay strong.

for you Weed.

The hardest part is over and you have been so brave. Do not let this man manipulate you and your feelings.
You are doing the right thing for you and your children. Xx

Well first day at work done. I struggled because I didn't sleep but it's done. Swinging between feeling flat & feeling furious. I even shouted at the radio because each song was about feckin' love.

I've just told H that he can't come round to put the kids to bed. Fingers crossed he heeds my request. I'm hoping that I can discuss how to distance myself from him with the domestic abuse service, got an appointment on Weds afternoon.

DS2 asked when we were both going to stay at home together just now DS1 said something weird in the car. He didn't sleep very well last night & I asked if he was OK, he said he didn't really want us to split up but 'Dad doesn't push me about, like he does to you, so I can understand why'. I have not told him that we split up because of the violence, just said we disagreed about money. I didn't delve deeper but do you think this means he knows about the physical abuse or it was just a turn of phrase? I'm sure he's never witnessed anything.

It sounds like even if he hasn't witnessed anything he knows about the physical violence. And he will know how your H treats you. I think it is good he says he understands.

Yes, Weed, he knows, even though you haven't told him. Luckily for him he is able to articulate his feelings. Most DCs can't, I certainly couldn't and that is partly why I ended up in an abusive relationship aged 16.

Keep listening to him even though it's hard to hear. If he learns now that he can tell people how he feels then his light years ahead of DCs who grow up repeating their father's behavior. Just keep the lines of communication open for him. Is he in school yet, do they have a counsellor he can talk to?

And well done you for calling the police and changing your SIM.

I will ask the pastoral team about DS1 speaking to a counsellor. I was very taken aback that he used the phrase 'pushed about'.

I think it was jux who said write down all the things he has done. I'm going to do that & strengthen my resolve. quite likely adora & cider thank you so much for your ongoing support.

I used to go by a couple of different usernames & I recognise a few if you from the babynamechanger thread & others.

Weed keep going girl. You've come so far in such a short space of time. Children just seem to know these things. I think I said previously that people on here seem to know if there parents were physical or whatever even though they didn't witness it. Also with emotional abuse it's the same, it's the unpleasantness/unfairness that I think they pick up on iyswim.

Can I ask Weed, if you love him? Do you feel relieved that he has gone?

He has just been. He was crying on the doorstep asking to see the DC's. This is so hard! I do love him. If I hadn't loved him I wouldn't have lasted this long.

I am partly relieved he has gone. I am partly devastated that my marriage (even though parts of it were horrendous) has crumbled. Most of all I'm pissed off with H though. His stupidity & selfishness & just his destruction. He had everything! We had everything. He just needed to not hurt me. That's all.

The crying and meeping about the kids will be the hardest thing to cope with in the middle of your chest. He's going to try and wear you down so you give in. You coped a hell of a lot better than I ever did.. well done.

Keep an eye on your head and when you feel fit to explode with stress, organise something that will make you laugh.. whether it be a night in with girlfriends.. night out to a comedy club or whatever. Laughing is an awesome stress release.

If you start with feeling anxiety ask your doc for a short course of beta blockers if you can take them.. They help keep you on an even keel. They're as and when rather than like ADs. That one is your call.

And keep talking.. he's made his bed and you deserve some happy times.

You told him he couldn't do bed-time invasion. he ignored you as usual. I am simply grateful that he left. The tears made for an effective performance, no doubt but I'm happy that you didn't cave in. I'm proud of you actually because I recognise how much this is tearing you apart.

You will rebuild yourself better, stronger ...

What seems simple to normal folk really isn't on the windscreen of those who prefer control as a way of life. It's ok to feel compassion for those who have no choice about their shitty behaviour. But it's not ok to let compassion make a sacrifice of you and children at their ego-altar.

I don't think what you feel for him can be Love though. Love doesn't have abuse in it, given or received.

Did the police come out today?

Thanks gamer I'm already on AD's (on highest dose actually!) My mental health has been suffering for a while.

Today I have driven 100 miles, worked, transported 3 kids to school & clubs, made tea, cleaned the house, comforted & looked after 3 feeling dc's and he is the one weeping on the doorstep! I'm incredulous. He is not only guilt tripping me about the kids but he seems to be expecting me to be responsible for his feelings too. He is just pushing & pushing & pushing.

He saw his twat of a brother this morning, who is secretly divorced for being a cheating bastard & apparently they were comparing the state of their relationships. Thry have it so hard! These wives who won't shut up and put up.

I want to write so much more weed but my love, I am so impressed by you. Your strength, your determination to get such a toxic presence away from your children and yourself is incredible. Stick with it, keep focussed on the dream of being free, and it will come. Stay strong and use us here as support to keep you going.

Weed, it sounds as though you might need to ring the police each and every time he comes until he gets the message that he has to stay away.

Secretly? They are a pair aren't they.

Yes, everything he does is nasty, because none of it is real. It is all pretend. It is all all all all all tactics. Is he being nice? Tactic. Is he being nasty? Tactic. Is he sobbing? Tactic. Nothing is real. Everything is simply to get at you in one way or another, and if one way doesn't work then he'll switch to another, and then another, and when he can't think of another, he'll start again at the beginning.

Nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty.

Nothing he does is real or honest.

And yes, write everything down. Everything. If you get a chance to record it - audio or video - then do that too.

tipsy the police phoned today & they have arranged a multi agency meeting (marac) tomorrow to discuss strategy. The DV officer (who I bloody know!) is coming along to the domestic abuse service on weds pm to discuss an injunction with me.

I already know what they are going to ask me; pretty sure they'll ask me to report it as a sexual assault (I can't say the R word) & battery. My BIL has already given them the heads up I suspect.

If I know the system I'd say at marac meeting they'll put me at moderate risk as H is out of the house.

He bit you. It is not love but a warning to you OP. I would also suggest you to be more careful with him especially when he is around the children. There have been accidents when partners have been taking revenge on the other half by hurting children. It happens every year and he is a violent type. Has his computer been checked? You need to report him officially and tell your children he has been very violent to you. Otherwise your behavior towards him might look unreasonable because he is so good now, cries, loves you like never before, plays a good daddy. It is nice to hear you have got nice people around you who are willing to help you as much as they can. Stay strong and firm.

Ke your courage in both hands, weed, and report when they come. You know you need to, not just for yourself, but for the safety of your children. Professionally, you know what needs to be done. Would it help if you pretended you were reporting everything as if you were doing it on behalf of someone else?

Take deep breaths. Count to 3 as you breathe in through your nose, and count to 5 as you breathe out through your mouth. Do it 3 times (or more). Do it when you feel fear coming at you, no one expects you to speak immediately, no one will chivvy you. Pause, breathe.

You can do it, weed.

Weed I'm thinking of you today. You have been very courageous in going to the police. I know you didn't want to and that it's very hard for you but you were left with little choice because of who your DH is and because of who he is you can't know what he might do next.

Keep talking and posting here, tell us what he is saying and the girls here will help keep you sane.

I saw you said you still love him, but he has caused all of this. When kids are involved it's even harder. But you know, he has sexually violated you, intimidated you, physically hurt you, emotionally abused you and I'm in no doubt at all that he has contributed to your need for anti depressants.

I was so sad when I saw what your dc said about him pushing you around. It's possible the kids have briefly discussed it. How do the dc feel about his absence, are they seeming happier or more relaxed?

Weed - I'm thinking of you too and wishing you extra courage for the meeting/s today.

How did it all go Weed?