Text message meant for someone else?

[springchickennolonger]

Looked at my phone this morning. Found a text message from Dp which was obviously not meant for me. It's incriminating -to another woman- but I don't want to draw any conclusions until I'm sure it's from his phone.

Is there any way it could be from somewhere else?

I'm a bit shocked tbh and not sure what to do.

My gut feeling is to gather more evidence before confronting him. Any advice?

Thanks.

Dowser the majority of the population think there is legal status of "common law spouse" when there is no such thing. Unmarrried people have few claims on one another, and children whose parents are unmarried also have fewer claims in actuality because the broad margin of discretion judges have in dividing property in divorces just does not exist when unmarried couples split, so a house can't remain with the parent with primary care if it is legally the sole property of the other parent. Assets remain in the hands of the people who formally own them unless significant contributions have been made by the other person, which can imply an intention to make it a family home, and therefore a trust can be presumed.

In all honesty as OP also has her own home, fighting this one could cost a lot of money without ever resulting in anything but lawyer's bills.

There is a reason I always post telling people not to have babies without marriage, if they will take the hit in career terms, and not the father. You are not going to have your contributions recognised. The law needs changing, because the majority of the population think a long relationship with kids gives you protected status similar to a married couple, and it just is not true. Unmarried and the homemaker, and your rights are few.

OP is okay as she has her own home, her own income, a career plan going forward and her head very much screwed on properly. We also don't know how much her property is worth - if they were married, she would have to put all her assets into the pot, too. But most of the time, kids without marriage makes a woman very vulnerable to the man's goodwill, sadly.

Perhaps cohabitant's rights - "de facto rights" as they are known in Australia - might be a very good campaign for MN to focus on. The Law Commission has been recommending a change in the law for over a decade now.

Spring, I did want to say you sound a brilliant role model for your daughter in the cool and collected way you are dealing with this horrible, horrible man situation, and I take my hat off to you.

Thanks,perfect. Your input confirms pretty much what I thought about the law. And, as I said earlier, I only begrudge things in hindsight. Had dp turned out to be a decent, honourable man I would not quibble about how he spends his money. Now I can't help wondering if he is/ has been squirrelling it away for some other purpose. And its that that rankles. Part of my strategy moving forward will be to demand much more transparency in how we both spend money. All I want is fairness for dd, really. And you're right: chances are that, if resources were pooled, we'd be about equal anyway. I'm just thankful that we're both financially established. Christ, it could be so much worse. One of the advantages of being an old gimmer!

And I'm finally able to concentrate on returning to some sort of career.

Financially, our situation looks like this:

Me: house, 20k outstanding, rented for 600 per month. Valued at 175k.
Another house, let out for 330 per month, mortgaged as a btl and worth 50k with 35 k outstanding.
Some other money in stocks and shares giving an income of about 170 per month.
Small pensio pot which will eventually give about 4k per year.

Him:

House worth about 320-350k with about 130 outstanding. Not sure how much he pays per month.
Pension (a good one, public sector). Not sure how much.
Consultancy work worth about (I'm guessing) 50k per year.
Business which has finally broken even, just about. Not sure about value. He claims that most of his money goes into it,. Now I'm not so sure!

And that's it, really. My income, such as it is, goes on myself, dd, food and house. It's just about enough to run an ancient car, phone, clothing, holidays (cheap), birthdays and Christmas, and professional training for me.

Him: food (50 quid a week, say), bills, car (oldish, but travels a lot), phone. Negligible amounts on dd or myself , hardly any clothes, generally quite tight with daily expenditure (he'll take ingredients to work rather than buy a sandwich, for example). Household bills (mortgage, utilities).

Following your thread, OP, and wishing you well.

But a bit aghast at the fact that he was living off you in terms of your labour and payment for food and all of HIS daughter's expenses. You're well shot of him, although it sounds like it's tough.

Your situation is why I always advise younger friends never to have children without marriage; and actually, any long term relationship. If you were married, you'd have a call on his pension, as you gave up opportunities for higher earnings to raise your [both] child.

I do understand re the independence thing. When I got married (quite a while ago!) I was very aware of the history & baggage of marriage. But I was 3 months pregnant, and we both knew that we wanted the security etc for both of us and DS. It was much harder in those days to do the equivalent of marriage via civil contracts etc. And he died suddenly and with an out of date will, so all in all, the registry office had been a grand idea

Good luck!

I agree chimney.

OP is right to observe that her financial situation could have been so much worse.

Again and again on MN I see posters who have had DC but not married and are left with a huge financial disparity if/when they split.

There does still seem to be some kind of misperception that there is such a thing as a common law wife and that if you live with someone for long enough and have their children, it is the same as being married.

No.It.Isn't.

I didn't mean OP thought that way!

You are doing brilliantly spring and your future will feel so much lighter and just, well "right" once you are free.

Hope you're doing ok OP and the weekend hasn't been too difficult for you.
May be a silly thing to say, I just hope you've had enough support x

Thanks lina. Yes, tons of support. Looking at the practicalities now. I've asked him to leave me alone and he has. There's a long, pitted road ahead but I'll get there and I'll feel much better for it. I feel strangely liberated already!

Do you think he sent that text to you on purpose, in order to bring things to a head, as possibly he is such a wimp he wanted you to end it rather than him? Just a thought.

Glad you're feeling that way. It can oy be a positive. Try to hold on to that feeling when things get tough.
Hopefully this is the beginning of a better new chapter in your life.
For you and DD.

Gee, thanks, both. loofah someone else said that. Why though? He's making himself look a right tosser! I've got the moral high ground now. If he'd wanted to end it, why not just discuss it? It would have been painful, but not like this. This is betrayal: I'm angry and bitter and want him to pay somehow. I'd have accepted a mutually-agreed end to it, no matter how difficult.

Another thing: perhaps it's a cover for something else. I dunno. Everyone I've shown the text to thinks it's bizarre. Completely out of character. I accept that people can compartmentalise and assume different personalities but this is just strange. He's never been a huggy, kissy sort of bloke, calling people "honey". Weird.

Is it possible he's "mirrored" this other persons behaviour/language towards him?
It sounds to me like he's kind of needy/low self esteem etc and he's trying to be what this OW wants him to be?
It's not so weird that he's written the way he has and you're surprised by it - you would never have thought he was capable of cheating and he apparently is! I think it seems you don't know this man as well as you thought you did (and I'm not saying that to be cruel!)

Lina you're spot on. I don't know this man. How could I have been so naive, though? I'm kicking myself. I could have finished this relationship ages ago and thought I was doing the right thing by sticking it out. And trivial things (or things that I brushed under the carpet at the time) like him not letting me me signatory to dd' s savings account seem more significant now. He's used me badly knowing I'd do whatever it took to ensure dd' s life was as pleasant as possible. What a fool I've been: sticking up for him in front of my family, giving him the benefit of the doubt, brushing off his contemptuousness.

Ranting again now!

You rant away.
It's horrible when the scales start to fall from our eyes.
You are seeing and understanding the real him now.
I hope you are OK.
Keep ranting, that's what this is all about!

Wow, what a twat he's turned out to be.

You seem to be coping remarkably well. It might hit you at some point, so be sure to take care of yourself.

Have you taken legal advice re: your position yet?

kinky no legal advice yet. Mediation is the best way, I think, as I don't believe I'm legally entitled to anything. I may do, though, just to make sure.

Thanks all for being a cyber-shoulder to cry on.

like him not letting me me signatory to dd' s savings account seem more significant now. He's used me badly knowing I'd do whatever it took to ensure dd' s life was as pleasant as possible

I really hope you find a way of taking him to the cleaners -- morally/ethically, in terms of his whole family & friends, if not financially. Although it'd be great if you could screw him financially as he's crewed you. And I generally don't like that sort of response - I think women should be as financially independent as possible.

But this guy's a tosser. I'm so sorry you've wasted your energy, time & good heart on him.

Good luck for the future.

Please see a solicitor at least to make sure, why not go for an initial free 30 minute consultation?

I'm googling solicitors now. Up you're right. I feel screwed over, good and proper. I'm all for women being financially independent too. But I feel this bloke owes me something, but at the moment I'm not quite sure what that is!

Never under estimate someone when they have a new person on the go. My exH used to answer his phone in a way totally un-natural to me or him when a certain person used to ring him. It didn't take too much to put two and two together as to what was going on.

Does your DD know yet ? Have you considered the two of you telling her together ? You would have to be superhuman, but you sound as though you could do it.

this bloke owes me something, but at the moment I'm not quite sure what that is

Present him with a bill for:

12 years of your labour in cooking, washing etc, and raising his child
12 years of incidental costs incurred by raising his child
12 years of income foregone because of raising his child

Get a calculation of pension contributions foregone because of raising his child

Get an estimate of income lost in the future because of your career break while raising his child

Well, it might be cathatic to do the calculations!

up that's exactly the sort of stuff I was thinking of. It's difficult to quantify my contribution financially but there IS a cost to childcare, in my view. Not sure what childcare would actually cost but I guess it would be at least £45 in my neck of woods. So that's about £65 a day of gross income to fund it? Had I stayed in work-or returned - I would have earned about £120 per day. I'm not sure I'm looking at this right, though. Need an accountant, I think!

I've never paid for childcare, but had I wanted to work he wouldn't have contributed, which made it difficult/ pointless to go back anyway. On the occasions I've used childcare (regularly but not for long periods) I've used friends. And I've been here through the holidays. Christ, I've made this man's life so easy! I've brought in an (admittedly small) regular income, I've brought up dd for nothing, without a contribution from him, I've supported myself, so that he could go and develop his career. Like the bloody au pair.

conference no, dd doesn't know yet. And no, I'm not strong enough for the "talk" at mo.

I find it absolutely staggering that this man has refused contribution to his own child. It's bordering on financial abuse - one aspect of which is refusing contribution to household expenses (in this case your daughter's expenses), another being disallowed to be signatory to your daughter's savings account.

Unfortunately, afaik as you are not married none of these financial calculations have any weight legally. The only thing that would be due is child support. From what you say here, you may have to fight tooth and nail for that.

twinkle yes, I know how I stand legally (I think). The reason I mentioned the joint access to the savings account is because I have no idea if that money is safe. A few years ago I needed about £300 for a birthday present for dd. I was a bit strapped-he wouldn't contribute, and made a big fuss when I suggestedI borrow it from dd's savings. He got it in the end, under duress. He then tells dd-who was about 8 at the time -that I had taken it, leaving dd to believe that I had "stolen" it. Christ, I'm bloody angry writing this, not to mention embarrassed. Why the f.ck did I put up with it?