Text message meant for someone else?

[springchickennolonger]

Looked at my phone this morning. Found a text message from Dp which was obviously not meant for me. It's incriminating -to another woman- but I don't want to draw any conclusions until I'm sure it's from his phone.

Is there any way it could be from somewhere else?

I'm a bit shocked tbh and not sure what to do.

My gut feeling is to gather more evidence before confronting him. Any advice?

Thanks.

Wow OP- respect to you in spades.

Waves Pom Poms in support

Have you noticed how the tone of your posts have changed?

Not unsure, but confident and decisive.you deserve so much more than this - you're twice the person he is and then some.

Thanks so much everyone. Really appreciate your support.

Hope your ok OP. Will he help you financially do you think?

Not sure, quite, but at least he will have to do his duty by dd now.

Why don't you do someinvestigation? Have a look at bank statements to see if you can find out where the money is going?

Hope you are alright?

rivercam I was thinking of doing something along these lines, yes. I was also wondering if, in the event of mediation/ court proceedings, would his financial affairs be looked into anyway? I"m a bit lost, really, as ti what to do next.

Anyone with any experience in this area?

I'll be honest, as he's not stepped up yet to pay towards his daughter, I wouldn't be holding my breath that he will now he has to do his own washing. You say he's a consultant and I'm assuming self employed? Expect him to get clever with his accounting and be drawing less than minimum wage from the company. It's not fair and it's shitty, but it's the kind of thing shitty men do.

teeb yes, I'm sure he'll be accounting creatively! Yes, he draws very little from the company.

Tightarse

Have you contributed towards the mortgage at all, or major renovations - kitchen, bathroom etc? Deeds matter, but so does financial investment in a family where you aren't married. A trust could be in existence by implication if you contributed to his house in that way? If the answer is that he's carefully kept all finances separate and ensured none of your money has ever gone on his house, then I think he knows the law and made his nest, using you to line it at no expense to him.

Unfortunately the CSA will look solely at his earnings when assessing support levels, though if his lifestyle is far above that they may look at that as well. But he doesn't sound flashy, from all you've said.

Honestly, you're well shot of him. You cook, clean, child-raise and financially assist, and in return he ignores you and sleeps elsewhere. What is there to lose?

If you aren't married and there is no way you can claim on the house, lawyers IMO would be a waste of money. I imagine you aren't intending to deny contact at all, and he won't claim on your own house? If on the other hand there is a way you might be entitled to a share then definitely lawyer/mediate up.

Unmarried couples have no claim on one another that a random duo sharing a house as friends wouldn't. Marriage is the only way non-financial contributions to a relationship (childraising, and housekeeping, basically) can be given value when a split occurs.

Thanks both. I don't want to pursue him through the courts tbh. I don't have a legal leg to stand on anyway, although I have contributed to the household, of course. I guess I've spent between 10-15 k on it in furnishings, caroetings, diy, decoration etc. It's a big house in a bit of a state when we moved here.

Good to have the advice though. I think mediation is the way to go.

My first step is to declare the relationship over and take things from there. I've told friends and family but not dd. So far he has left me alone but the weekend will be harder.

I didn't realise how many lovely friends I had

Have you got invoices and receipts for the work you paid for on the house? If you can prove your investment, you may be able to recoup some of that from the value of the house.

Thinking of you Spring

No, no receipts, but I didn't think I'd need them, really! I didn't think that I should keep receipts in anticipation of a break-up, really. I would hope that anyone worth their salt would do the decent thing anyway?? I'm not that bloody cynical.

Thinking of you today OP. You are being so strong. It is just awful to find out you are being deceived in the wY you have been. Has he offered you any apology or explanation? Do you know where he is staying this weekend?

quite he's here. It wouldn't occur to him to go elsewhere. I'm here too. It wouldn't occur to him to apologise either. He showed no remorse when I confronted him: just shrugged his shoulders. He has no conscience, so there's no point in appealing to his better nature.

This weekend will be harder. For now, I've told him to stay out of my way and so far, he is. I can go to friends if I need to.

Quite frankly I'd tell him I needed a week or more, set up storage and get the most valuable things out of the house while I organised a rental. I'd also get my historic bank statements to prove as many payments as possible on specific items.

'Anyone worth their salt who would do the decent thing' generally doesn't include cheats.

don't be so sure you have no rights to anything. that's not true, and certainly not when there are dc. involved.

get advice. fast. you need to know where the holes are and avoid falling into them.

i'm again so sorry that he's just so uncaring and matter of fact about his betrayal.

I think you have to tell him to move out for a while. see if he still shrugs then the bastard

Sounds like he's bastard done you a favour. You can have a new start.

Oh how weird, I hadn't noticed you putting the bastard too Hissy, great minds

It still might be worth consulting a solicitor for the free half hour.

I thought a common law wife still carried a bit of clout.

Use this time to get your ducks in a row.

Just done a bit of googling and sorry but it doesn't look as good as I thought.

Your rights if you split up
For couples who are not married or in a civil partnership, if you split up your partner would not (except in certain types of cases) have to pay you maintenance even if you stayed at home to look after your children – but they would still have to pay child maintenance.
For couples who rented together, if you were not named on the rental agreement you will have no automatic right to stay if they walk out or ask you to leave and you would be left to apply to court for an order giving the right to occupy, the outcome of which is uncertain. If your ex partner owned your home, and there is no other agreement in place, you have no right to stay if they ask you to leave.
Similarly, if you are not married or in a civil partnership, any savings or possessions your ex acquired out of their own money will not be shared with you although lump sum orders can be made in certain circumstances in proceedings where there are children.
To protect yourself if anything happens, you could consider entering into a contract with your partner to decide how money and property should be divided if you separate. These are known as "Cohabitation Contracts" or "agreements" and can be drafted by a solicitor. Read more about cohabitation agreements.
If your partner dies
If your partner dies and you were not married or in a civil partnership, and they haven’t made a will, you have no automatic entitlement to inherit anything from them, including your family home, even if it's in their name or if you own it jointly as 'tenants in common'. You would be left to make an application to court for provision from the estate as a dependent, these applications are uncertain and costly.
You are also not entitled to any state bereavement benefit or a state pension based on a percentage of your ex’s national insurance contributions, even if you stayed at home to care for children and depended on your partner’s income.
Rights for cohabiting couples in Scotland
The issue of unmarried couples misunderstanding their rights has already created a divide in the UK as since 2006 those who cohabit in Scotland have certain protections. The Scottish Parliament took the step to update Scottish law to reflect the way families choose to live and to ensure that any rights that already existed for cohabiting couples but were restricted to opposite sex couples only should be extended to include same sex couples. The 2006 Act also provides a set of basic rights for cohabitants in Scotland whose relationship ends covering:
the sharing of household goods, bought during the time the couple lived together. This means that if you cannot agree about who owns any household goods, the law will assume that you both own it jointly and must share it or share what it is worth;
an equal share in money derived from an allowance made by one or other of the couple for household expenses and/or any property bought out of that money. It is important to understand that this does not apply to the house that the couple live in;
financial provision when, as a result of the decisions the couple made together during the relationship, one partner has been financially disadvantaged. This means, for example, if the couple decided that one partner would give up a career to look after their children, they can ask the court to look at the effect that decision had on that partner’s ability to earn money after the relationship has ended;
an assumption that both parents will continue to share the cost of childcare if they had children together; and
a right to apply to the court for an award from the estate (property) if their partner dies without leaving a will. Before this, if a cohabiting partner died without leaving a will the surviving partner was not entitled to anything from the deceased partner’s estate. Sometimes this meant that they had to move out of the house they had lived in together. The surviving partner will now be able to ask the court to consider giving them something from the estate. If the deceased partner was still married at the time of death, the spouse will still be legally entitled to a share of the estate.

This article was contributed to by Richard Busby, Family solicitor and Partner, Fisher Meredith.

Thanks, guys. I've guessed I have no automatic rights to anything. But then I would not enter a legal relationship simply to ensure entitlement should things go wrong, as I have always seen myself as an independent woman and I still see myself that way. I will pursue what I believe to be my rights according to his moral obligations towards myself and dd. If I end up with nothing, or broke, so be it. But he has to honour his obligations-financial or otherwise to dd. I will make sure that at least he does this.

Stay strong OP. How are you feeling about what he has done? Often when this happens most women who come here are absolute wrecks but somehow that isn't coming across in your post. Do you think you're in total shock?

Not a wreck, quite , but today is harder somehow. He's around and I haven't seen any friends, and probably won't tomorrow either. Planning an exit strategy now, having told most people about the situation. Yes, I think I am in shock, really.