3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

Thank you.
Maybe this woman can make him well, help him through his grief where I couldn't. I don't know, I'll never know what she has for him that haven't.
One minute I hate him so much, the next I think I still love him deeply & want to be his friend. But a big part of me can't let go of the hurt & needs him to know it will never be ok.
That's what I need to work on, letting go. My God it's hard!

Thanks sofa cross post.
Yes you're right. I'll just use it to help myself.
Thank you all xxx

It's nothing you did or didn't do. He just isn't capable of that moment in life when you stop being the centre of your own world and the centre of your world becomes your child, the moment you become a parent. He couldn't cope with that so has bailed out. It's really not your fault. He just lacks the ability not to think of himself first.

Crushed if he does have npd it's unlikely anyone can help him and he'll move from one person to another every time he needs an ego boost but you need to stop worrying about all that! Most advice about npd will tell a partner to run, run like the wind and don't look back. She's got nothing on you, she's vile, fuck them both to hell! Have you thought about getting some counselling ? Try to stay practical and take one day at a time. Can you arrange some small things so that you have some things to look forward to? Have you seen the thread about the inspiring things MNetters got up to once single? I love that thread

"I'll never know what she has for him that haven't"

Low standards. For herself and her family. That's what she's got that you haven't. That's why her finds her attractive. That's the only reason their 'relationship' has been able to happen in the first place.

Please don't compare yourself to her. You are the better person, the better partner, the better mother and you will have the better life. I promise.

You can't fix him and he doesn't deserve you to now. He's not your responsibility any more, especially after the lack of concern he's shown your precious daughter. He is completely selfish and self involved. Concentrate your energy on the people who really need and deserve it and he most certainly does not fall under that category.

You have to let him go.

Thank you, you're right my daughter needs all my attention not him.
Does anyone think I ought to ask him if he wants to see her or just leave it till/if he comes forward?
Perhaps at this age it's not such a pressing matter to know her dad?

OP - my instinct would be to leave well alone. He needs to take responsibility for building his relationship with his daughter. Don't ever stand in his way of that, but let him make the moves, not you.
You're doing so well with such a difficult situation - pour your energies into your gorgeous little one and yourself. I was a single parent and have a fabulous relationship with my (now grown up) daughter. It can be tough at times but you'll manage!

I second what Sarine1 says.

I hate the night :,-(

You're doing so well x

How you feeling today OP? You've been in my thoughts. .

Just remember OP, this is just a shit time in your life. At least you're not a shit person, which is more than I can say for them.

Just night time I'm really struggling. I'm just sitting on my bed with dd, all I wanted from life was a family. I'm so sad for her. I want him to at least want her.

Any decent man would want to see his baby. You want him to be a decent, loving Dad/Husband; but he isn't.
This isn't your fault. You have kept your vows. You are being a loving parent. He is the one with the character flaw, not you.
Your baby is lucky to have such a good Mum, she's better off without an uninterested Dad who will hurt her feelings as she gets older.
You both deserve so much better.
(If he can't see this, he's a d!ck)

I think you are doing really well also. It will only get easier in time, the first few weeks after giving birth are very emotional without all the upheaval you have gone through. Nights are the worst, mornings are so much better especially when your baby smiles at you. He is a fool missing out on that but you can't fix him into being more like you ie normal

And you still have the chance of a family, there are plenty of happy functional step families.

This is just a shit time in your life. At least you're not a shit person, which is more than I can say for them

And those are the words I've been trying to find all day.

So I've nicked them ('cos I'm a master criminal and all that) and utterly agree with the person married to a haunted foot, who could also use that foot to kick your STBXH up the arse with per chance?

I just feel really pathetic, I get all confident & arsey one minute & then turn into a big sack of crap the next. Friends, family MN are all amazing but this gaping hole in my heart just won't stop hurting. I wish I could switch my thoughts off, the shitty ones that say I'm going to be alone for years, dd won't know a father, Christmas, birthdays, valentines, holidays, weekends, evenings, all alone with no one to love us like a husband/daddy & the unfairness of it all still won't go away. I'm really trying hard, but it's so, so tough. I'll wake up tomorrow & feel better I know, the nights are just so long.

Love, my SIL has just given birth to baby no. 2. She's feeling a little weak and pathetic - and her husband (my brother) is around to help her.

No one but no-one is castigating her feeling tired, weak and pathetic. In fact, normal people are asking 'is there anything we can do to help?'.

Y'know because she's a little tired and sore after giving birth, and with breast-feeding duties, a toddler and a C-wound and all that.

No one but YOU is going to give yourself a hard time. You are allowed to mourn the ending of your marriage. You are allowed to feel hurt, and sad, and despairing. You have my full permission to love him and miss him, but know that you are loving the best of him, his charm, his persuasiveness, the him when he was being a thoroughly lovely bloke.

Because, when he chose to be all those things, he was all those things. And he took those things with him when he fucked off.

You are allowed to miss that.

You're left to deal with it all. Deal with it as slowly, as pathetically and as sadly as you want.

I am not going to give you a hard time. Decent people don't. Please start being decent to yourself.

So anecdote no. 2.

I met with a Mnetter on Sunday whose husband left her not long after mine left me. She is a glamorous, sophisticated, amusing, intelligent, witty and accomplished woman. Makes me look and feel dowdy. She could (and would) label herself differently. The first time we 'lunched' she was a complete wreck. So was I. She's moving on, doing okay and (in between blips) looking stunning.

We are both exactly 2.5 stone lighter... but she's my inspiration right now...

So if you're beating yourself up, giving yourself a hard time, and hating your reality. Please, can I ask you to tell yourself you're just living 'right now'. And that is only half the story.

There comes a point when you stop crying and you start living. Your point may take a while, but it'll come when it's right for you. Just one day at a time until then...

Please stop with the worst case scenario-ing.

You're wrong about a few things...you just don't know it yet.

Sweetheart please stop being so hard on yourself.
You need to be able to grieve and all these feelings will hit you like a ton of bricks. Sometimes you will feel so so angry and then miss him dreadfully.

But it was their decision to leave and they are missing out on all the precious moments for what? A cheap nasty fling that they have to justify by transferring their guilt onto us.

You will start living again - but just no yet- unfortunately you have to go through all the shitty stuff to come out the other side.

Live in the moment and try not to think about the future. (Although I'm saying that - I'm just not very good at doing it yet - but we'll both get there).

So I've nicked them ('cos I'm a master criminal and all that) and utterly agree with the person married to a haunted foot, who could also use that foot to kick your STBXH up the arse with per chance?

You're more than welcome to them, I think they needed reiterating. OP everything you're feeling is completely normal for anyone experiencing what you're going through right now. There's no time limit that says you MUST feel better after a certain amount of time. You will heal in your own time, but you WILL heal.

Nights are the time when we feel like the whole world is asleep and we are alone with no one to lean on. It's a feeling that passes and lessens. Keep holding on.

WellWhoKnew So well said.

I wish I could know you people in real life, I am full of admiration for you.

Crushed, how are you today? Start with a big bunch of for yourself.
Your feelings & reactions are totally normal, he is the one who is behaving abnormally. As I said up thread, what man doesn't want to love, guard, protect his wife & brand new baby at their most vulnerable? Running off with the first tart woman that crosses his path is quite frankly appalling & odd behaviour. He is the one with the flaws, not you.
You say that you still love him. Of course you do. You've been together and married, you've borne his children. You can't just turn off your feelings, that wouldn't be normal. He did, see a pattern here?
You can't just move on, you're going to need time to grieve. That is what emotionally intelligent people do, we can't just flit from 1 to another to another. It takes emotionally stable people time to come to terms with their loss and to heal. If he can do this to you, your toddler and newborn, then I would say that his new woman is on very shakey ground.
A question, would you want a relationship with a man whom you knew had left his wife who had just given birth? I wouldn't, you wouldn't.
So please see CRUSHED, your emotions and reactions are totally normal. You're not falling apart, your body is going through physical healing after giving birth and your feelings are trying to come to terms with the unimaginable.
He is really the one who has fallen apart, with serious character flaws. Both him and his new lady-friend have no moral compass.

Really bad day today. I just can't stop myself bursting into floods. My parents are on holiday so it's my first week totally alone with dd.
I didn't get a wink last night, not because of the baby she's a dream, if I was in a loving relationship this time of my life would be wonderful she really is no trouble. I just couldn't stop crying all night, cried all day. I got a text off him to say he's not moving out until a week after we agreed because the house him & his dad need to mive knot won't be ready yet. It's a cold text, just opens with hi, how are you both? His wife & daughter....no feeling nothing. He doesn't ask anything about her or asks if she needs anything. I know I'm going over old ground but it still really really hurts.
Then I had a letter from my solicitors talking about my divorce. It just makes it so painfully real.
I just want some comfort. I don't want this, I don't want to be alone. I'm not enough, I'm too weak it's all taking it's toll now & I'm weakening