3wo baby & husband fessed up

[Crushed2914]

I had a baby 3 weeks ago, traumatic birth husband distant not supportive but loves baby.
Things have been distant between us for some time, he spends most of his free time at the gym, thought things would change once baby was here but no.
He's always been over protective of his phone, but last night I asked for it to download pictures of our LG.
I found screen shots of sickly messages from another woman, Instagram photos of true love quotes, things like I can't be with you all the time but you are the love of my life, and stuff about having such a strong connection, we finish each other's sentences blah blah blah.
I questioned them & he began a story about comforting her when her cat died. I asked why he kept these messages, he said he thought they were nice. I probed further, he's having an EA with this woman, says they haven't had sex but that he has wanted to. (When I asked if he wanted to have sex with her, he said he doesn't want to say it in front of me, I demanded to know & he said yes he does) He's not kissed her but could have. She's married with children also. He deletes her texts & his texts to her. He says he's not sure if he loves her, which I believe to mean he does. He says we've been living separate lives for ages & it's not worth trying to change. He won't stop seeing her or going to the gym that she goes to. He won't try to take our daughter away from me, and will let me live in the house, he will continue to support me. In other words he made up his mind before now about leaving me.
I've been awake all night with baby, I feel sick & utterly shellshocked. I was distant with him because he spent all his time away from me, I didn't think he'd really be having an affair. There's no going back now. How on earth am I going to carry on, I'm going to be a single mother, with no money, no life. My poor little girl

You are so much better than that bitch. What a nasty piece of work to say how she remembered it to be 'so precious'.

Cuddle your baby and grieve for the loss of the future you had planned. I know it hurts like hell - physical racking pain sometimes and other times complete numbness.

He's a weak man who showed you no compassion and support when you needed it most.

As for meeting someone straight away - just because he's shacked up with the first available tart doesn't mean you will have to lower your standards.

We're all with you. x

Try not to think too far ahead, concentrate on the here and now
I know you don't think so now, but you are so well rid of that shit of a man!
You deserve so much better

Delurking just to say, are you sure there's no equity in your house and in his other properties? I would have thought to establish that you would need to have up to date valuations and mortgage balances, which I don't think you do? Sorry if I'm wrong, but just wanted to check that you're not taking his word for it re no equity. Obviously, his word is worth shit. Keep on swimming, OP. One foot in front of the other. You're doing great. It might not feel like it but you are.

Crushed2914
I really don't see how I'm ever going to get over this to trust anyone ever again

OP I think you need to not think about trusting other people and think more about trusting your instincts. Look at these extracts from your posts above:

I just thought things would get better
He didn't want to know during pregnancy
I thought he was just selfish, not cruel
I was so looking forward to having a family, even if it wasn't how I expected, I really thought things would get better he'd grow out of his gym obsession when he knew how wonderful being a dad was

You KNEW he was a selfish idiot. You hoped he would change (understandably so). He has continued to be a selfish idiot. You will find someone else. There are marvellous men out there, but trust your judgement in future. Don't wait for them to change/let you down - if it feels right, it probably is and vice versa.

You've shown a lot of stength and determination. Don't let someone who isn't worthy of you affect how you see yourself and others.

Do not fall for the "well he wasn't happy so what could he do" claptrap. He could have a) not got you pregnant, b) not started an affair while you were pregnant, c) had the self respect to be honest rather than flittering round in secrecy. His actions and failings are about him, not you.

Give yourself time, love. This isn't something you 'get over' in a day or two. It will take lots of time. And that's OK. It's OK to grieve and question. But gather support in RL. Allow those who love you to support you and allow yourself to accept their support. And please, please, cut all possible contact with him and her. No FB, no phone calls, no texts, no asking people what they know. You are a castle that is being besieged. What do you do? You draw up your drawbridge and close all the windows and doors. Leave the enemy outside. Be safe and secure all to yourself.

Of course he thinks you'll meet someone right away. How else is he going to justify the horrible, ugly thing he did? He has to tell himself that you'll be 'just fine'. Bastard! But remember that what he feels means less than nothing! He forfeited the right to say or have anything to do with your life.

Please see another solicitor. I really don't think the first one was worth shit. To tell you to sign off everything and just walk away is ridiculous! A poster above is correct, everything he has should be evaluated and values estimated. Have someone go with you who can listen and be a tiger for you. You are vulnerable right now, you need an advocate. Is he paying you anything right now? He should be!

He is paying maintenance. I can't believe he hasn't asked at all about his child. Every day she does something new & wonderful & he just doesn't care, so wrapped up in this bitch of a woman!

It takes somebody very selfish indeed to cheat. You're seeing further evidence of this.

How's your baby doing? It's such a wondrous time as you can see the changes in them daily can't you

Yes, she smiles loads now, big gummy grins in the morning makes the day a bit brighter. She's just over 9 weeks now, he's known her first 3.

Oh crushed you poor, poor woman. What an awful time you are having.

You are an inspiration though in getting on with it and looking after your gorgeous sounding DD. I do hope you start to feel better soon and things pick up for you. My DS brings me such joy as he is growing, take all the love your DD will undoubtedly have for you and know that it is because you are a great mum and a lovely person and most importantly are there for her. Much more than her twat of a father can say. Don't doubt your self worth because of two shameful, deceitful and selfish people.

When my (ex)DP cheated on me I did the exact same and obsessed about the OW. I think it's unavoidable and those thoughts are so horrible and intrusive. Just know that you are the bigger better person in this. You can't and won't see it now but one day you will.

Hope you are getting some RL support from people who are not insensitive asshats (like some friends in your previous post)

Thank you, my parents & family are just so wonderful & I have one very dear friend who has been an absolute lifesaver (literally I'm ashamed to say) I think I'm going to use this as a time to completely reevaluate who I have in my life & do some cutting & pasting. Going to my first post natal group today, I'm terrified but hoping to make some new friends.

Aww good to hear and seems like a positive way to sort out who you actually need in your life!

Have a great time at your post natal group. I met some really lovely ladies at mine and they were a great support for all those mummy worries! Plus we ate lots of cake...

Also, there is NOTHING to be ashamed of regarding any feelings or behaviour you may have experienced as a result of this. Your friend sounds like a champion. X

Crushed just keep it one day at a time - and it's the making of new friends that will get you through this, because realising that people will like you for being you, rather than being married to a twat, is the biggest leap forward you can make for your self-esteem.

So many of us know the dark early days when you just want to die: so don't feel weak or pathetic should you have them. He's made you feel so bad about yourself that you want your life to end.

So that's how he makes you feel. You can make yourself feel better in time - so it's good to see you're getting out and doing that. It gets easier in time, and you realise, again in time, that its him that's done something so dreadful. Not you.

I met a woman this morning who said 'Oh you're the woman who husband has done a bunk - I just want you to know I'm X, and I live there, and come for a cuppa anytime. You're well thought of in these parts.

Months ago, I would have recoiled at that conversation. Now I just think 'Wow': how nice of someone to give me a little support and sympathy.

So, there you go. Do I believe STBXH when he says I'm a bitch of the highest order or do I accept the stranger in the street.

I'm with the stranger on the street: The STBXH is an arse.

The people I met in the early months of DD's life have stayed with me in the background and she's 12 now

I found such groups excruciating, I'm not a very social person, but went for her sake. I'm so glad I made the effort. They aren't buddies but they are the parents of people my daughter now socializes with and form part of the network that has made parenting easier as our kids have grown up.

He's made friends with the ow's eldest son
He has his own child. What IS the matter with him!
I suppose the lad thinks he's Mr cool. Her husband says he knows everything that's going on, so obviously not bothered my husband is splitting his parents.

Please don't feel angry about or toward her child, he is going through a really bad situation and will be doing whatever he can to try and keep his mum, he is probably scared that your ex twat will take his mum away and thinks being nice to him means he won't lose his mum.

I don't mean to be, her son is 17 & I know it's tough at any age, I just don't know what she's told him.
My husband should be interested in his own baby girl not her teenagers. It's just so unfair.
Today my sister in laws gran died of cancer & it's brought back losing my mother in law, we all sat with her when she passed away, the last thing she said to us was to all stick together. I miss her so much if she was here she'd know what to do, I would still feel part of the family.

I think I'm turning a corner.
The love I feel for my daughter just seems to have suddenly overwhelmed me, I don't know it sounds horrid but I think I've spent too long moping to actually realise it.
I'm excited to get our home in order, a girly palace. He's keeping our big male dog which I'm sad about but I keep my old female spaniel, so it really is going to be 3 of us girls together. It feels empowering in a way, like a little coven! (A good one!) lol
I still think about him & get sad but not as often, I'm trying to think the man I loved is dead, this new man is a stranger & she's getting less & less headspace now so I'm happy about that.
My only worry is contact with my daughter, he's still not asked about her, it's been almost 3 weeks. I don't know if he's waiting until I go home but it's disconcerting, almost like he's forgotten her too.

You sound like you are doing brilliantly. Really, it's all his loss.

I couldn't read and not comment - you are doing incredibly well. You are a wonderful, strong, brave woman and a wonderful mother.

You, your beautiful little daughter and your loyal doggie all share an unconditional love. It's wonderful and I'm sure the two of them will keep on helping you heal and blossom. This time next year you'll probably look back and pity your ex and the beautiful experiences you know he missed out on.

Someone pointed out to me (when I finally relaxed for five minutes) that I'll go back to pure hell soon enough.

They were right (annoyingly) so forgive yourself if you do, it's pretty normal.

He will remember your daughter when it comes to paying, I'm afraid. Let's hope he wants a relationship with her, but if he doesn't then remember one good parent is all she needs.

You're that person. Take care.

I genuinely believe he has deep rooted psychological issues. I started to read up things when we were together because I knew he wasn't dealing with his mums illness well & then when she passed his behaviour was worse, his obsession with being fit & healthy, his diet (I think he has an eating disorder) & now his creation of a 'new' person with a 'new' life. I believe he has a narcissistic personality disorder & so does she. They will most likely compete with each other eventually.
I tried to get him to seek help from a professional, he went to one session & regarded the counsellor as not qualified enough & not good at her job so didn't go back.
I still care for him & want him to be well, but how do you make someone see they need help if they won't acknowledge anythings wrong? I think he's hiding from his grief & know eventually it will surface & worry what might happen to him when it does.
I think when I became pregnant my attention left him & focused on the baby which made him seek it out elsewhere. He has to have attention.
I know it's useless trying to fix him, but it makes more sense to me to think he's done what he's done because he's not well, rather than because he's a vile human being. I don't want to remember him as vile. He was a good man once.
Am I stupid?

No, you're not stupid. You took your promises to each other seriously and kept them. He didn't. You are being very kind in remembering his good side, the personality that you fell in love with. You wouldn't fall in love with the person that he has now become.
Do you know, you're not, "crushed," anymore, you're more of a, "blossom!"

Hi crushed I've been following your thread and you come across as a really lovely person. How can you get him help? You can't nor should you. If he does have npd it will help you in understanding how he has been able to act so cruelly but that is all. Use it to help your confusion but you cannot"fix" him. You are doing really well and need to continue focusing on yourself and your little dd. Stop worrying about him. trouble will probably follow him all of his life and though it doesn't feel like it right now you are much better off without him. Some people figure this stuff out 25 years down the line when they've suffered and thought they were going crazy. Keep on going lovely