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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
Cloudhowe63 · 17/09/2014 21:58

Thank you, Imperial. Have lurked around these parts for a long time and read so much good advice from posters like yourself. One day I may well do that but, for now, cheering on Jude and wishing her luck.

magoria · 17/09/2014 22:05

Of course he is shocked. You are not meant to realise you are being taken for a mug but think this is a fair deal because he is such an amazing bloke Grin

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 22:21

cloud, if jude can do it, so can you Thanks

Original poster
jude3184 · 17/09/2014 22:25

Thank you all so much for telling me what I already knew and like it was mentioned earlier, once he's gone be easier if it does all go tits up to day fuck off lol x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 22:28

you have done the right thing, jude

now watch out for the emotionsl blackmail and using the kids to pluck at your heartstrings. A man like this would stoop to anything.

Cloudhowe63 · 17/09/2014 23:11

Well done, Jude. If he is genuine, he'll work to earn it and, if not, well you know you had a lucky escape. You have put yourself in a strong position. Taking inspiration from you.
AF - thank you.

Original poster
jude3184 · 17/09/2014 23:14

Awww what a lovely thing so say cloud.

I don't feel very strong and took me ages to get the words 'I want you out' to come out but when I did he just promised me to make it work regardless so kind of makes me think he wants it to work. There's only one way to find out I guess and that's to try. If all else fails I'll know I've done the right thing putting myself and my daughters first xxx

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 17/09/2014 23:25

Great Jude - now make sure he sticks to his promise of moving out and don't let him talk you round.

He has been taking the piss big time. Easy for him to say you should share all left over resources (i.e. cash) when you're the only one with any spare. Interesting how he only shares in theory. And who does he think he is making demands about what will happen in your house? If you do have any chance of making it, this sharp shock is necessary as he needs to develop some respect for you.

Original poster
jude3184 · 17/09/2014 23:38

I know and he knows I mean business now. It's my way or not at all. I've said he can have til the weekend otherwise it will fall into the same routine. After that he's moving out. His theory is 'i live here now too so if I want my daughter to stay she will' Which fucked me off!! I said I will not be dictated to anymore. How dare he do that to me when this is the home I have lived in since my eldest who's now 10 was born. He even had the cheek the yesterday to say to my daughter 'if you want vimto tell your mum to buy you some, I bought this for my dd because she likes it!' I was livid which is what tipped me over the edge and brought me here today lol. X

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 23:43

So much for the we're a couple so we pool everything. That only applies to your living space and your money, jude. I'd have kicked him out just for that comment he made about the vimto.

He wants to throw his weight around he gets his own place to live.

Don't back down, either. He leaves. It's far too soon in the relationship to be living together as he is obviously too much of a pisstaker right now.

Original poster
jude3184 · 17/09/2014 23:49

No I did something quite petty, I poured the vimto down the sink whilst he was at work and smirked to myself knowing he would want some when he got home Blush he made me do it lol

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 18/09/2014 00:05

He said what to your DD? You have to think what kind of person is so stingy that they won't let a 10 yo have a glass of Vimto they have right there. I really wouldn't want someone saying mean things like that to my children, I would hate it if they picked up that way of behaving. He should be exemplary with her. A role model.

He can take you for a ride and refuse your daughter a drink of cheap cordial/squash? I'm gobsmacked, I really am. Not a keeper.

Original poster
jude3184 · 18/09/2014 00:08

He Denys it she says he said it...I know who I believe. I never doubt by children. I think the hard part is out the way and all I had the courage to say was move out for now...until he's gone I think it's inevitable it will fail anyway. He's moving 40 miles away back to where he came from xx

OP posts:
Zucker · 18/09/2014 00:15

For the vimto thing you've just mentioned there I'd break up with him. How mean is that to say to a child.

Your child, in your home, that according to him should be open house to him and his. Fuck him out and down the road my love.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 18/09/2014 00:38

A liar too? Ouch. Your poor DD. Please do believe her. If he had come up with some half arsed excuse that she needs to learn that she can't have everything, and it was an attempt to set some kind of boundary with her, as he's not used to parenting children that old , then it might have been ok, if he was willing to listen and apologise. Even if he'd said that she had misheard and he had said 'ask your mum, i don't know if you're allowed Vimto, I know my DD likes it and she is ok drinking it' even that would be possible to get past. But he called your DD a liar. He, an adult, has made you choose between them.

Yep. 'Move out for now' and then change the locks, lovely.

Fairenuff · 18/09/2014 07:44

Well done jude, you really are going to be better off without him there x

mammadiggingdeep · 18/09/2014 08:01

The vimto incident?! Shock I can't believe it!! What a prick. I wouldn't have him around my kids at all!

Well done on being so strong...maybe kick him to the kerb completely? Tell him he drink as much vimto as he likes...on his own!

giantpurplepeopleeater · 18/09/2014 08:15

Get rid jude. Just do it and rip the bandage off.

He's shown you the kind of person he is - he'll happily sponge of you, dictate to you and be spiteful to your children.

Don't try to change him, he'll make promises and never see it through. Just chuck him out and move on

Original poster
jude3184 · 18/09/2014 08:22

I have no intentions of trying to change him. He is what he is. I feel guilt easily and backtrack and feel bad 99% of the time so I'm really proud of myself for even getting as far as I have. He has left this morning later than usual as he's off to his mums to ask her if she will sub him the money for a bond on a place. I've said he can stay tonight because otherwise he won't be Able to have his daughter as he's have nowhere to take her and none of this is her fault...but after that he's either in his own place or staying with his brother. I'm not having the life sucked out of me anymore. I have been singing and dancing round the house this morning and my girls are looking at me like I've lost the plot but it's because I feel like a huge weights been lifted. This is the mummy they deserve. I know I made the right decision as I'm still beaming about it xxx Grin

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 08:24

Make sure he leaves. He has a job, he can leave his dd with her mum for a week or so till he gets a new place to live.

rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 08:25

This is far from the first time this has happened, I'm sure. There's a reason why his mum won't take him anymore.

ChasedByBees · 18/09/2014 08:36

Hmm, so all that stuff about sharing your resources and he won't even share a drink of Vimto. And he calls your DD a liar too. Yep, I think you'll be much better without him full stop.

tipsytrifle · 18/09/2014 08:48

I'm delighted you have given this user his marching orders! That was a wonderfully assertive action putting you and your dc firmly back at the centre of your world. Your home, your family - as is.

Please do not renege no matter what he says. If he is moving back to his original place then all well and good. Perhaps you will re-assess the whole relationship once distance has been restored. Perhaps you won't feel quite so keen now that you know how readily he will sponge off you and be snidey with your daughter.

First things first though. Make sure he returns any keys but I'd be tempted to change the locks anyway.

batgirl1984 · 18/09/2014 08:56

It seems like you are struggling to see what is acceptable behaviour towards you. Maybe try thinking if your relationship would be what you want for someone else - like your daughters when they grow up. Would you want them subsidising some bloke for no apparent reason? Tell him that as he is now having a greater share of residency of his daughter, he needs to find somewhere suitable to live. He wants him, his dog, and his daughter to all live in your bedroom for £50 a week? I know plenty of 2 year olds sleep in parents room (by choice of lack of) but its not fair to cast you in the parent role by stealth.

batgirl1984 · 18/09/2014 08:57

Thought I had rtft but hadn't. Sorry.