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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
Fmlgirl · 17/09/2014 20:21

Also, I'd be super keen to know how he explains this, everyone knows that you earn more than 200 pounds a month with most jobs if he's working full time.

irnbru22 · 17/09/2014 20:22

His 'me and my daughter come as a package' attitude would be admirable - if he was not using as a way of saying 'I not only expect you to house and provide for me, but I also demand you do so for my daughter - as we come as a package.

The guy sounds like he has no self respect or respect for the OP.

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 20:27

No 200 a month is mot nearly half, the rent is 500 alone! I'm talking with him now and it's not going well...he has an answer/excuse/reason for every thing. I'll get there x

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 20:28

OP, can I move in with you after he's gone? My petrol's sky high too, and £200 per month would be an absolute snip.

I hope you've kicked him out now. I wonder whether you need some sort of counselling or the Freedom Programme as you seem to have a problem with getting involved with the wrong men. That can be for the future - for now, get rid.

MyPandaisasecretmonster · 17/09/2014 20:28

Jude he sounds just like my ex cock lodger Always taking what he wants but never giving anything in return .
Run for the bloody hills or better still pack his bags & send him back to his mum just like I did & it was the best thing I'd ever done

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 20:38

Of course he has an excuse for everything. He should have about £300 extra a month even on min wage. He's full of shit, jude, and I'd wager London to a brick there is a long line of mugs standing behind you.

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 20:40

And that's £200 all in, for an adult, a child there 50% of the time and a dog. He's landed on his feet. I'd be clutching the rails of that ship, too.

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 20:45

And don't make the mistake of assuming his strong reaction to you kicking him out reflects his strong feelings for you. I'm so sorry, but he will cling onto the wreckage for all it's worth.

Strokethefurrywall · 17/09/2014 20:48

Imagine how much better off and happier you'll be at the end of your conversation with him OP - stay strong. You and your girls deserve so much more than what this douche has to offer.

Just because he isn't as bad as the previous ones, doesn't mean he's a good bloke. And it's nothing you're doing. You sound level headed and really reasonable. Grit your teeth and get him out. It's not your problem if he doesn't have anywhere to go. He's an adult! He can take care of himself.

Good luck chicken, you can do it!

Strokethefurrywall · 17/09/2014 20:49

I wish we had a pom pom emoticon for when we're cheering on the OP...

JetsAndSugar · 17/09/2014 20:54

Stay strong!

He is unreasonable.

magoria · 17/09/2014 20:55

It doesn't matter what his answer/excuse/reason is.

Simple fact is he is living off you and he expects you to pay way way more than 50% of the living expenses.

This isn't on when you have your own DC to fork out for.

It is also not acceptable long term to have a child share your room and there is SFA chance of him paying more for a bigger place is there!

RandomMess · 17/09/2014 20:57

You're not happy with the situation that's enough to end the situation. If he has his dd 50% of time than the £200 maintenance could now come straight to you...

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 20:57

of course he has an "answer" to everything

he's not likely to let his meal ticket slip away without putting up a brave fight

beware the false promises, op

first he will be angry you are "accusing" him, then when he realises you mean business he will promise you the world

it is bollocks, all of it

wannabestressfree · 17/09/2014 21:03

I am afraid I am with everyone else. It's not feasible- get rid

Cloudhowe63 · 17/09/2014 21:13

OP, I'm feeling physically sick reading your thread. I know exactly what you mean about not seeing the wood for the trees. It's a build up of little things and one day you wake up and realise how deep you're in. You are getting £50 a week more than my DP feels able to contribute and I know I have to remove my head from my arse and sort this too. Good luck.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 17/09/2014 21:29

"Use someone else"
Is a good pithy response to any manipulation he may try.
His mom dumped him, his brother dumped him...It is him, not you.

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 21:30

Cloud, doesn't your DP feel he has to contribute anything?

Cloudhowe63 · 17/09/2014 21:41

Apparently not. He has a house in another city which he has been 'planning' to sell for four years so that we can pool resources! Meanwhile he has a flashy car sitting in my driveway which is hardly used as he has a company car and he is able to afford to down a couple of bottles of wine on a Friday night - which I don't have more than a glass of because (surprise!) I'm on ADs for the first time in my life. However, this isn't my thread and I don't want to hijack.

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 21:47

Ok. So I have asked him to move out and he's prepared to so that in order to make us work. He says he'll so anything....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 21:49

You need your own thread, Cloud. When you're ready, talk to us about him. He sounds a real catch!

MyPandaisasecretmonster · 17/09/2014 21:50

Just make sure he does Jude , have you given him a time frame that he has to move out by ?

magoria · 17/09/2014 21:51

Well done!

Perhaps this is salvageable when you are not being ripped off!

Don't let it slip that you end up travelling/paying all the time when you see him!

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 21:54

Good!!!

Give him till the end of the month.

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 21:54

I very much hope it will work and it doesn't dwindle because of the distance etc but I won't be mugged off any more, I said I feel completely used and he looked genuinely shocked! I've said he can stay here with his daughter tomorrow but after the weekend thats it...who knows what will happen now x

OP posts: