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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
Jux · 21/09/2014 17:19

Wine to you, Jude, you deserve it. You've been through an awful lot over the years, this latest chapter's end happened very fast. You've taken on board a lot of changes, Freedom Programme, dd's dad, not to mention the amount of adrenaline you've been burning through to keep the impetus going. No wonder you're weeping.

Quiet relaxing evening, warm milk, bed, rest (if not sleep). All in one bed for warmth, calm, love, snuggles.

BonjourMinou · 21/09/2014 17:42

Well Done Jude. I am sure this has all been very overwhelming and emotional for you, it's perfectly natural to have a little cry. You have been so, so strong these past few days and the relief that it's all over must be immense. You are an inspiration to so many women out there and more importantly, a fantastic role model for those 2 little girls. Flowers

jude3184 · 21/09/2014 17:53

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement! I couldn't have done it without you all. I only joined MN this, this is my first thread and I have to say the response to my problems been overwhelming!! There really are good people in the world and if I could I grab you all and give you the biggest hug!!

My dd saw that I saw very sad and without saying a word she popped down the road to the shop and came back with a big box of maltesers and paid for it with the mowny she'd been saving in her money box. That alone would have been enough to set me off lol.

I went out earlier and spent £20 on cleaning products. I even took down the curtains and washed them. My house now smells like a mixture of bleach/flash/febreeze/lemon and a little bit of heaven. It's so empty lol xxx

OP posts:
BeeRayKay · 21/09/2014 18:07

Finally finished reading.

You're a brave strong woman who deserves better. He contributed even less than a battery operated boyfriend can give (at least they garauntee an orgasm and when its over you know which one of you has been used iyswim)

well done!

MintyCoolMojito · 21/09/2014 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cloudhowe63 · 21/09/2014 18:31

Wine and Flowers

ChasedByBees · 21/09/2014 18:40
Wine

Be kind to yourself tonight - you will have been tense and now that's past a bit of a come down is entirely natural. It will pass and you've made the right decision.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/09/2014 19:01

On top of your VIMTO exorcism Jude, don't forget you've had the upset of DD's father being a total arsewipe.
You're handling yourself really well and your DD is a sweetheart.

RandomMess · 21/09/2014 19:06

Your tears were for the husky because lets face it the dog deserves better than his care!!!!

Big hugs, he's gone you can start to build your life moving forwards now x

FantasticButtocks · 21/09/2014 19:16

Well done Jude Wine You have seen it through. Been running on the adrenaline it took to get him out I should think and then the sad sight of him in the car with his dog got to you. If only he'd been a better man it wouldn't have been this way…but he wasn't a better man. Sadly, he hadn't really grown up, and the last thing you need is a child-of-a-man, depending on you for his food, his tv preferences, his dog, his child's welfare etc. It is sad, yes, but it had to happen. He had to go.

Whenever you feel a wobble about it, remember how mean he was about the ice creams and the outing, and how very mean he was about not letting your DD have any Vimto, because as far as he was concerned, it was his Vimto, for his dd only, and how he tried to say your DD was lying about it.

here's some Thanks and some Wine and a bit of Cake for you

jude3184 · 21/09/2014 19:46

I've just got back from a stroll to my mums to get her dogs we were checking in on every day to bring them down to ours to take my daughters minds off the change of it being so empty here lol. They now have a Jack Russell each to keep them occupied. They adore my mums dogs and unlike the one that's just left they are tiny and don't get up on furniture lol (I don't think billy could even if he tried, he's tiny hehe) xx

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 21/09/2014 19:50

Well done!

Definitely go on the Freedom Programme and pick up Women Who Love Too Much and also Why Does He Do That?

jude3184 · 21/09/2014 19:54

Ok thank you im definitely gonna have time on my hands and I love a good book I will deffo give them a look xx

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 21/09/2014 20:08

Oooh yes, that Women Who Love Too Much is awesome, so is Why Does He Do That. Both bloody good reads and you'll be thinking 'YES! HE did that! ...' They all follow a pattern ...!

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 20:43

Just catching up with your thread, jude

Well done, you are awesome.

rollonthesummer · 21/09/2014 21:42

Has he still got a key? I'd get the lock changed just in case.

jude3184 · 21/09/2014 21:48

No he hasn't. Gonna look into getting changed for sure xx

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 21/09/2014 22:18

I am thrilled for you, jude! You have your home back, you and DD are an even stronger team too. I welled up when I read about her maltesers gift .... how beautiful she is, and you with her ...

I think that some crying is purely the release of adrenalin, like in fight or flight. Crying is where neither response is required but there's a helluva lot of adrenaline flooding through just in case ... so your tears earlier may have had an element of that.

You are indeed, AWESOME! Enjoy your home, be prepared for whiny texts ... change locks just in case. Keep us updated as your journey continues too!

KateeGee · 21/09/2014 22:59

Jude I've been reading your thread, you are great, as is your daughter. You have raised a very astute and caring girl!

jude3184 · 21/09/2014 23:03

I know I have she is such a credit to me. She's been asking me all day if I'm ok. One minute I'm giggling with them both and the next I got tears running down me face. Gonna be on this roller coaster for a while I'd imagine. Hope I wake up with a brighter outlook xxx

OP posts:
FantasticButtocks · 22/09/2014 06:30

First day of lovely new life with DCs and no cocklodger Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2014 09:11

Wow - great updates Jude.
Just caught up on your weekend.
I was surprised he left.
You followed through and you're doing great.
You will cry of course. Just let it all out.
Well done and here's to your new life without wankbadgers, cocklodgers or knobjockeys!!

PumpkinsMummy · 22/09/2014 09:18

Edinburgh checking to say Gooooo Jude .

Your DD is a credit to you, and you are a credit to yourself. Change the locks and delete and block his number so he can't EB you any more.

jude3184 · 22/09/2014 12:17

Ahh thanks girls. Woke up feeling alot better. He text last night and told me he missed me. I didn't reply I couldn't. Just seemed pointless. Another crisis today....I have my smear test and I'm bricking it haha!! This is gonna be harder than letting him leave!! Gosh they're so degrading aren't they!! I'm dreading it!! The last time I left thinking the only thing the nurse was missing was a fucking miners torch on her head! Eeeek....us women don't have it easy I tell you! X

OP posts:
Jux · 22/09/2014 12:26

You are the constant in your dd's life, and she is a credit to you.

Smears are horrid, so sympathy to you! Take long slow breaths to help you relax physically - makes it easier. Thinking of them in terms of taking charge of your own health, rather than something being done to you, helps too.

Plan a small treat every day. Something to look forward to, no matter how small.