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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 19:23

Look love, keeping this man (and his daughter and his dog) is only useful to you if you get something out of it too

If he can't even perform in the bedroom dept what is he actually for ?

pinkfrocks · 17/09/2014 19:23

Then he can go to a B&B short term or his DD can go back to her mother full time until he gets a place sorted out.

It must be horrible for his DD sleeping with her dad and you in a bed, even if she is only 2. Some poor kids- they really have such crap families.

pinkfrocks · 17/09/2014 19:23

can we ask how old he is?

irnbru22 · 17/09/2014 19:24

He is taking advantage of you simply by expecting you to be 'cool' with the living situation, even if he was contributing fairly!

But to expect this of you and you to fund it? Of course he's mugging you off!

Also am still not getting the finances of this all? He pays you £200 p/m, he pays £200 p/m maintenance (not sure why as they clearly have 50/50 living arrangements) even at min wage he still has £600p/m left over, so where is all his money going???

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 19:24

him seeing his own daughter is his own problem

it is not your job to facilitate that

irnbru22 · 17/09/2014 19:28

You say he will have nowhere to go, where was he before you??

Also his mum doesn't feel she has to cater for her grown sons lack of forward planning re:housing arrangements. So why should you?

pinkfrocks · 17/09/2014 19:28

didn't she say that the £200 a month covered fuel and phone and maintenance- I wondered if he paid £200 fuel, £200 child, £200 rent, £200 phone- but no one would pay £200 a month for a phone

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 19:29

He's 31. She isn't in the bed with us. She has a mickey mouth futon bed that she sleeps on, I wouldn't allow her to sleep in with us. He tells me it costs him over 300 a month in fuel to get to work. He won't look for another job because it fits in with when he has his daughter. Writing this all down makes me realise what am absolute fucking mug im being :(

OP posts:
jude3184 · 17/09/2014 19:31

He gave up his rented house he shared with his brother to move to where I am. Looking back his brother was on about leaving anyway so he probably timed it quite well meeting me!!

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 17/09/2014 19:31

Glad you don't think you are a completely ungrateful little brat. Or even partly one.

Btw if that is what someone levelled at you in the past they probably lashed out because you refused to take any of their nonsense.

Fairenuff · 17/09/2014 19:31

It's good that you are realising it OP, it will help you stop being a mug.

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 19:36

I think I doubt myself being worthy after the first two knobs so I kind of put up because he's good with my girls and he's good to me (or not apparently) lol. He felt safe but I think the more I write my replies down to you guys I can see I'm being a complete twat even questioning whether I'm a mug or not. I quite clearly am one!!

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 17/09/2014 19:42

jude - i can't bear to read every post ... it's too much twattery for me to stomach .. and i have never ever used that word before!

recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan

this this this ....

Read and hear yourself, look at the situation. Keep the dog if it's in danger of being dumped. Dogs say thank you, don't drain the life out of you or your bank, plus they know how to love unconditionally.

You are so being used atm.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 19:42

Just because previous partners have scored 10/10 in the shithouse stakes, doesn't mean that some one with a score of 5 is any sort of good proposition.

tipsytrifle · 17/09/2014 19:45

oh, the twattery is his not yours btw .. just caught a glimpse of you blaming yourself? No No No

This is not your fault; you are a lovely soul and he's a predatory shit who's latched onto your open heart and generosity ...

I'd like to think it's closing time? Might you consider that?

ScrambledEggAndToast · 17/09/2014 19:46

He shouldn't be paying his ex anything for their daughter if he is having her 50% of the time. Perhaps they should have an arrangement re. School uniform etc but not a regular amount. Maybe he could pay you more if he isn't paying the ex.

Mitzimaybe · 17/09/2014 19:46

Hallelujah! You have seen the light.

Cinnamon73 · 17/09/2014 20:01

I think he's told you a lot of rubbish as to what he pays for what. Maintenance, fuel, etc. He's probably stashing it away somewhere.

Full-time job and he cannot afford to buy an ice cream on a day out?
What sort of job is that?

Glad you started to woman up Grin

Cinnamon73 · 17/09/2014 20:04

PS the fact that he tried to get you to take out a loan for him is a huge red flag. I'd run a mile (or rather kick him out as it's your flat).

McBear · 17/09/2014 20:06

I have to say, I have a full time job and there are certain times of the month (just before payday) that I couldn't afford an ice cream on a day out.

I quite like it that he has the 'it's me AND my daughter' attitude I'd hope DP had this if we split.

Have you never asked him why he pays child maintenance if he has his DD 50 per cent of the week?

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 20:07

Oh, please, don't settle for this. No wonder the mum won't have him, she has the measure of him. He'd get his feet under her table and do what he does to you. Bet the brother has, too.

You are not a doss house. He doesn't get to dictate who lives in your house and when.

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 20:10

Are you entire living expenses £200 a month, McBear?

rainbowinmyroom · 17/09/2014 20:12

Because even on min wage, with maintenance, £300/mo. fuel and £200 to the OP, he should still have about another £300/month left.

Fmlgirl · 17/09/2014 20:18

Your post boggles the mind McBear. Fair enough this man cares about his daughter but he is taking another human being for an absolute ride. He is not a nice person at all and shows utter disrespect to the OP. He's either a gambling addict, drug user or is stashing the cash away somewhere at the OP's expense,

I'd fuck this utter loser off.

McBear · 17/09/2014 20:21

I wish Grin

I'm just so shocked he wanted OP to get a loan for his payments. As pp said. Red flag!!!

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