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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
gamerchick · 18/09/2014 09:23

So refreshing to read your updates OP. Good luck.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 09:29

I think I have put up with it because he 'didn't beat me like the last one..,(only once I'll add, ok Reno had to set an example to my children about what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship) but I think I had a clouded judgement because he treated me nice. My girls are the centre of my world as his daughter is the centre of his...I just never took the piss like he did. Looking back,
The drayton manor incident...the vimto...the insisting I take out a loan to sub his child maintainance payments....the dog taking over my house...I have just paid for a new corner sofa that he put nothing towards, arghhhh the list is endless. Atleast my house is MY HOUSE and I can have my space back without the fear of turning my back and the dog being in my fucking bed! I can't wait! I can starfish in bed again!!! GrinSmile

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 09:32

Think of how much more money you will have when you are not paying for three extra mouths to feed every month, plus days out, treats, etc.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 09:34

I knew** not Ok Reno

OP posts:
jude3184 · 18/09/2014 09:35

I know! I can't wait! First things first I am booming a long weekend away with my babies!! A nice treat and a sorry for letting this go on for so long xx

OP posts:
nauticant · 18/09/2014 09:57

I assumed Reno was a reference to the Johnny Cash lyric But I shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.

Well done OP. It's great to read how you're looking forward to a leech-free home life.

rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 10:00

Yeah, couldn't afford weekends away for subbing three additional mouths and being expected to pay for five instead of three.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2014 10:04

Well done OP.
Don't let him worm his way back in.
He will try to delay the moving out.

You know you are worth so much more. You sound so lovely.

Please do the Freedom Programme!

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 10:10

What is the freedom programme? I never had any sort of councilling after my last break up and after all that happened I think maybe I so need it. I didn't allow myself to cry because I had to keep a brave face on my my daughters. Maybe that set the tone for meeting the wrong men...I don't feel worthy sometimes and I know that's silly xx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 18/09/2014 10:14

It's run by womens aid to help women see red flags, abusive partners and also look at yourself and understand your own boundaries.
You can do it on-line but it is better to attend a course.
As you have been in abusive relationships in the past it should really help you.

this link might help

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/09/2014 10:17

OP - you need to absolutely get this man out by close of play tomorrow and you need to do some sort of programme before you even think of dating again.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 10:23

I never really thought I needed anything like that...now it's been pointed out and brought to my attention I think it might do me some good. X

OP posts:
Lucylloyd13 · 18/09/2014 10:53

You are being taken for a mug.

But.....

Are you being taken for one? Or behaving like one? A relationship is about balance. What are you both getting out of it?

I think that you need to be stronger with your men about what you want.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 10:56

I'm getting nothing apart from a dog and an extra two mouths to feed, he in the other hand is getting a roof over his head, a bed at night, a mrs who cooks, cleans, does his washing, walks his dog...I'm definitely behaving like one. I've wised up and have done my best to rectify the situation now. All I can do is wait and see if it dwindles out..,in which case I'll know it was all about convenience for him and not for genuine reasons x

OP posts:
Lucylloyd13 · 18/09/2014 11:03

jude, good girl.x

HenriettaTurkey · 18/09/2014 11:11

I'm so impressed with you, Jude! Well done...take that freedom back!!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 18/09/2014 11:14

So good to catch up with the latest, well done.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/09/2014 11:22

Glad you booted the dickhead out.

Why isnt his DD allowed to sleep at his mums?

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 11:40

His dad won't allow it, he says that it's their home and not his so it's their rules. Plus they won't allow his dog to stay there either x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 11:41

Jude, ask yourself why that is...

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 11:44

I suspect that he's taken the piss and burnt too many bridges xx

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 11:58

And his brother wasn't sorry to see him go, either.

This man has a history of behaving as if the world and its brother revolve around him and his needs and pay for them, too.

I second the Freedom Programme.

Oh, and whilst he still there, no more cooking, cleaning, washing and walking his dog.

He can sleep on the sofa with his dog.

rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 12:00

I have a son, if he were this age with a kid I would not allow him to doss in my home dictating how I live in my own house. I would expect him to be an adult and provide for her himself.

I don't care for dogs, either, so he'd have to house that, too.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/09/2014 12:05

I feel sorry for that little girl, cant have sleep overs because daddy has taken the piss, then he latches onto someone else so he can do the fun stuff about parenting without having to do the exhausting, expensive stuff.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 12:05

I don't even have a sofa at the moment, I had to sell my other one to afford the new one I wanted and put the money I had for it with the money I had managed to save up...I have an arm chair and two garden chairs until my new ones delivered next week. I've just come home to dog hair all over my arm chair again, I just feel like my home isn't my home at all :( it's a husky and she's blowing her coat and it's just EVERYWHERE!! I know I've made the right decision. He hasn't even rang me today to tell me his progress at his mothers and whether she will help him out. He's either still in talks or sulking about it and doesn't want to tell me because he's thoroughly pissed at me x

OP posts:
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