am i being mugged off?????

[jude3184]

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

Good god! Well, you felt the need to ask, so yes, he's a major cocklodger.

Throw him out.

Stop bringing these men into your kids' lives.

He is pushing and pushing, I can't believe he wants you to share what is left of your money. He would share his money with you, I wouldn't bank on it, in fact I know he wouldn't. He knows he couldn't look after his daughter and live in his own place for the amount of money it is costing him. I think you need to ask him to leave because you have to decide what will work for you and your two daughters. It would cost £50 a week for the DD and the dog alone. He is pushing his luck, he is having you on. I bet deep down he is wondering how much you will take.

in his opinion because we live together whatever money I have left over we should split because he would for me

Really? Do you believe that based on everything you know about him? Because from what little you've said here, I don't believe for a minute that he would do the same for you.

i have fell into the trap of putting up with it so he expects it now so to just say that it isnt working wont be enough without having to go into extreme detail and I dont want to upset anyone

You don't have to give any reason. You can just say that it's not what you thought it was going to be and you don't want to live with him any more. Tell him to move out.

If it's easier, tell him that you can continue to date but you can't live together right now. Then, if you still want to split, do it when he has already moved out, if it's easier.

And his credit isn't good. Of course it isn't, because he's a loser.

He's not a 'great guy' who doesn't realise it, he knows damn well what he is doing and manipulates your good nature to cocklodge more and more.

I feel sorry for your kids, having this dog and step sister and cocklodger imposed on them in a tiny flat. How trapped and confining that must feel.

He is an adult. He is responsible for a place to live for himself and his child.

It does sound like he's taking liberties a bit. I don't think you're asking too much to have a 50/50 relationship. If you want to keep him you'll have to put in clear boundaries.

My girls adore him, obviously o don't being these people In to their lives to mess their head up, no one knows anyone until you're with them all the time and it's only now I have clicked on. He genuinely doesn't see what he's doing is wrong he thinks because were a couple we should work things through together and help each other out. It wasnt easy for me to have a relationship with anyone after the last loser but now I feel more swamped than ever :( I am going to have to talk this through with him tonight and no doubt I'll be the one to made feel guilty, I always do but I know what I have to do it's just hard at the same time x

Does he have a habit of always making you feel guilty?
What do you mean by that?
Presumably, he doesn't like you to question his behaviour.
Like when he got angry when you wouldn't take out a loan to help him out..?

I don't think you ought to consider how your DDs like him in all of this.

They don't know the real him and are not mature enough to have any judgement of him.

He may not be aware of what he is doing but if he doesn't that is just as worrying as if it was all premeditated.
To have such little self awareness or consideration for other people.

get rid.

Blimey OP mug is not the word for it.

Basically what's his is his and now he is working on what's yours is his too.

Tell him that there is not space for his DD to come every other day. You cannot afford to sub him for his and his DD every other day and he had better find another place to live and be out of yours in 30 days.

I don't think after being treated like a mug I would even accept an increase in what he pays he is only doing it to shut you up.

So he is so great to have around you are basically subsidising his rent by £300-£400 pcm? Then he pretty much moves his dog and his dazghter into your bed? Well I'd say he can keep his 'package' until he can afford to help pay for a bigger place for you all. Go back to seeing just him every other night.

He does have somewhere else to go: his mum's! Pack up their stuff and the dog and drop.it all round to her place.

OP when you say it won't be enough to just tell him it isn't working and you will have to go into some huge detail, you are utterly wrong.

You tell him it isn't working and that he must leave. The more you get bogged down into justifying your decision the less likely he is to accept it. Your DDs deserve you to stand up for yourself and just say it isn't working, I don;t want to elaborate. You do not have to give him chapter and verse and you never have to justify your wish to leave a relationship.

Hope all goes well

If he wants to do everything 50/50 then great! Tell him to show you his pay stubs and you'll show yours. Then the household bills of course. He can take care of his daughters incidentals, you yours.

Then make sure you tell him he owes you X amount in back payments for rent etc because it IS 50/50 after all.

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Honestly, you're being used. 100%. He moved right in and started leaching off you. If it had happened a year or so down the line, when you had full disclosure and knew why etc, that'd be different, but right off the bat smacks of you being taken for a ride.

Bluntly OP you have no shared property and no shared children. So, you do not owe him anything.

Remember he escalated things pretty fast, yoy do have a say in the matter!

1. Discuss.
2. If he argues repeat and stay firm. You can still date but the living arrangements aren't working.

3.If he still won't listen say you do not see a future with him.

1. If he gets nasty simply change the locks on a night his DD isn't there and dump his stuff out front if needs be.
2. If he gets violent or threatening then call the police. They will come and remove him.

Don't man up - WOMAN UP!! This is Mumsnet!

Every justification you give, he will find a way to knock it down.

"Its not working for me" or "I dont want to be with you anymore" are all you need to say.

He genuinely doesn't see what he's doing is wrong he thinks because were a couple we should work things through together and help each other out.

You can live apart and do that. Tell him he has until the end of the month to find somewhere else to live (or move back in with his mother) and you will carry on seeing him (if that's what you want).

You can support him (emotionally, not financially), help him look for places to live, help him budget his own money so that he can meet his own outgoings and generally be there for him. But do not allow him to keep living with you. He is taking the piss. Big time.

You need to sit down together, work out what you both earn, what your expenses are, and go from there. Can he get a better job? If he's willing to make an effort to ensure things are fair then you can go from there. Otherwise kick him to the kerb.

I love that the dog "insists" on sleeping in the bedroom. Pets don't get to insist, in my house.

I think you know what to do, OP. You are indeed right to be concerned.

He does see what he's doing, making you feel guilty so you foot the bill for everything, TELLING you how you will live, with his daughter there more and more and the fucking dog in your bed or making threats, 'If it doesn't go my way, I am leaving,' the insistence on your taking a loan.

Bollocks he thinks when your a couple you should share everything, because he is sharing nigh on FA with you.

Moving in after a year together is pretty fast. Now you see why.

You don't owe him details or justification. He is taking you for a mug.

Yup, you are being made a fool of

Has it cushy, don't he ?

has he ever lived on his own, or does he make a habit of moving on to the next single mum when the previous one gets fucked off with him ?

Joins chorus of cocklodger and you aren't even getting much cock since he placed his daughter in your bed

Please don't feel you need to elaborate or enumerate the reasons why this isn't working. This just gives him the opportunity to argue back with you or justify why the situation isn't exploitative.

"This isn't working for me and my children."

"I want you to find your own place, so you need to make plans to leave."

Honestly, nothing more needs to be said. You want him to go, so he needs to go.

And lol at the dog being more of a daughter than a pet. Oh, fuck him off. I'd have told him to go shack up with her then.

AF

I actually roared at this reply. Never get any anyway, he's always too tired or fucking ill!! His mum won't allow his daughter to sleep over so he will literally have nothing and no where to go. I know what I have to do and the fat that not one person had said otherwise has raised even more concern for me. Can't always see the wood for the trees when you're in the situation, took me a while but I'm getting wise. Thanks for all your advice, I'll let you know how it goes.

He can move in with his mum and still see his DD though can't he. To be honest it simply isn't your problem.