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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
enriquetheringbearinglizard · 20/09/2014 09:38

Listen, we all make mistakes. We've all been involved with people who haven't been what they seemed, or who let us down. It's how you deal with it when you find out that counts and it's valuable life experience that you can teach your DDs.

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 09:42

Yeah I know that, still I don't feel any better lol. I'm terrible for feeling bad!! Need to slap me bad self and snap out of it xx

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rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 09:42

No, don't drive his shit to his brother's. Just pile it up.

Don't walk his dog, either, sounds like he needs the exercise.

rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 09:43

Stop feeling bad, just kick this parasite out.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 20/09/2014 09:46

You don't feel any better right now because it's just never nice breaking up regardless and on top of that you feel stupid for not doing it sooner, then there's
DD's Twatdad causing upset on top.

You're in the valley, but it won't be long until you've journied to the peak and the view'll be well worth it Smile

pinkfrocks · 20/09/2014 09:49

Has he no mates or family who can help him?
Why doesn't he do what my DCs had to do when they moved- hire a man with a van for around £25.
He sounds hopeless not to have any savings at his age or anyone in his life except you to help him move.

Fairenuff · 20/09/2014 09:51

Keep packing up his stuff and put it just outside the front door if you can. That way, when he returns he will have to load the car at the very least even if he doesn't make a second trip today.

How much more stuff does he have, apart from the dog and the fish? Will one more journey be enough, or do you think he could drag this out until Monday/Tuesday?

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 09:53

No savings at all!! I know! This is what I mean. There's no future or security or anything. I'm not materialistic....clearly I'm anything but that lol but it would be nice to be the one being looked after for a change xx

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rainbowinmyroom · 20/09/2014 09:58

Don't let him drag it out. He goes back and forth till all his shit is out. He tells you he has no money for petrol you tell him the stuff will be outside. He can go to Wonga even with bad credit.

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 10:00

There will be no extensions...tomorrow at 5 - tata!!

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RandomMess · 20/09/2014 10:09

I'd have the dog outside on her lead tethered into the grass Grin

If your dd doesn't want to see bell end anymore just stop contact and let him take you to court to resume it? You can self represent.

oldgrandmama · 20/09/2014 10:21

Jude, sent you a PM regarding how you're feeling right now. Because in your situation, it's NORMAL to feel shit. But it won't last, honestly it won't. The worst is almost over, and I promise, you'll be feeling SO much better once he's out.

HermioneWeasley · 20/09/2014 10:22

Jude I am cheering for you!

PedantMarina · 20/09/2014 10:24

Well, of course, yes, it'd be nicer still if these twunts hadn't been in your DDs' lives at all, but let's move on. Right now, what they're learning is that you're protecting them, and you, and that people don't get to treat you like a mug. That's almost better than letting them grow up thinking all adults are perfect. You're solving a problem right before their eyes, and they might need information like this later in life.

Keep on baggin'!

BlackDaisies · 20/09/2014 10:26

You're being generous giving him til tomorrow. Is that just to get his stuff out. Is HE out before that? Tell him to stay at his brother's tonight and pile the rest of his stuff up to collect tomorrow.

I bet his dad did give him incentives to stay with you. His family are probably horrified he's their responsibility once again.

BlackDaisies · 20/09/2014 10:29

Has he actually done the first trip yet by the way?

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 10:41

He's not long left with the first lot, me and my dd watching some crap daytime tv but it's lush just spending time with her tbh. He's going tomorrow with the dog. Fish tank I've told him he's got an extra week or I'm giving to someone else. He said ok "/ x

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jude3184 · 20/09/2014 10:47

As for the court with regards to the ex, he won't bother he will just cut ties. Some men are vile creatures. I knew he would be vile so just as I turned the corner to his house I set my phone to record and I recorded everything. Him pointing in my face....my daughter crying...him telling me he's done with her....telling me she needs discipline and needs smacking! It's all there in black and white because I know he's a lying bastard that will deny ever saying those things. I would never smack my children. According to him that's why 'she is like she is'...I said IMO she acts up because he makes her feel fucking worthless and I don't not discipline my children but I do it in a way that is constructive. Smacking is just not acceptable!!!

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 20/09/2014 10:49

Jude, keep that recording safe - upload it to the cloud or whatever you use for virtual storage.

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 11:04

Will it automatically go to my cloud? I don't really understand technology lol...I get my new upgrade Friday too so will have to transfer from one phone to another xx

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PedantMarina · 20/09/2014 11:07

I dunno exactly, depends on your phone and your settings. Popping on over to Geek Stuff might be a good idea.

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 11:08

Ok thank you xx

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oldgrandmama · 20/09/2014 11:09

Can you send on the recording to a friend or relative, for safe keeping? Play it over to them and ask them to record it as they hear it? Or re-record it onto something else?

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 20/09/2014 11:23

Definitely save that.
Your poor DD.
You are absolutely doing the right thing though. Like I said before, people change, let us down. We make bad choices sometimes, but it often isn't evident until later down the line. You manage the situation you find yourself in, you can't possibly know how people are going to turn out all the time, especially if they withhold things from you, deceive and lie, or change.

Don't worry too much over the tank until he's gone, but try and get something to confirm he agree to you ditching the fishtank if he doesn't collect it by the set date.

Text or email possibly after he's safely removed everything else.
I wholeheartedly agree that his parents have that sinking feeling and it's probably like groundhog day for them. As Chris says meet anything with 'I don't understand why you think that's my problem'

As soon as he's gone you can thoroughly spring clean and reclaim your space and get everything ready for the new sofa. Thank goodness you went with your own choice Smile

jude3184 · 20/09/2014 11:23

I think I'll try and send to my sister who can then send back to my on my new phone when I have it xx

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