emotional abuse?? How to make final leap to leave if so

[iloverunning36]

I have always been oversensitive, had low self esteem and been a people-pleaser. I tend to put others needs before my own. I have 2 children from my previous relationship and have been quite reluctant to expect my husband to parent them. We met 2.5 years ago, got married 1.5 years ago and (at his suggestion but I was willing) had a baby together 7 months ago. My problem is his verbal outbursts and general disrespectfulness towards me which I feel has got worse since the baby was born. When I try to talk to him he denies things and turns stuff back on me saying I am a “paper bag” and I need to learn to discuss things but he is not approachable frequently getting so frustrated with me that he swears at me within earshot of my children. He then improves for a short time only to revert to normal within a couple of weeks. He also says he feels like he is walking on eggshells as anything will “set me off”
The main outbursts are as follows:
Calling me a “fucking idiot” for making a mistake on my CV (I did post about this and tried to leave but he convinced me I was being silly and it was a one off – I thought maybe I was being harsh)
Calling me a miserable bitch because I was very tired and down after the baby was born (and I thought he would be more hands on)
Asking me where the fuck I had been when I was late home from work one night (this meant that every other time I rushed home to avoid him being like that again)
Going in a mood if I go to the gym or if I am going on a night out with my friends (this has resulted in me only having 2 nights out since I met him one of which he collected me from but I still go out for lunch with my friends without hassle from him so in that respect I haven’t been isolated from them)
Repeatedly telling me to fuck off and calling me a horrible thing because I said I had never seen a man take less interest in his child (I apologised after as it was a harsh thing to say but t the time he was refusing to have anything to do with bathing or putting to bed of our baby as well as rarely giving him bottles or changing his nappy so it felt like he wasn’t interested as he gets very good time off but will spend an entire day before he even picks up the baby)

Money
He insists that I put more into the joint account as I have more to pay for (food, elec and gas for my kids from previous relationship – I pay for clothes, shoes toys etc from my own money) He still complains about me buying school shoes or uniform for them so I try to hide it from him. I am in the process of being made redundant and on the way in the car he told me one of the reasons he was attracted to me was that I was in the same earnings bracket as him and we could have a nice life together. I have had to really argue my case (and only because of what was previously advised here so I have heeded some advice) about putting in less into the joint account because I am on stat pay but this month he has accepted that although he keeps going on about it.

Family
DH doesn’t like my family and in some ways he has good reason as certain of them take advantage and my mum is quite controlling. She was upset when I moved away and has attributed the return of her cancer to my falling out with my sister (she phoned me to tell me this when I was pregnant and my DH reacted to my upset by getting very drunk and telling me that he hoped she dies of cancer and I need to stand up to her – I found this very upsetting as I felt like everyone was against me) Now that my mum is dying I don’t feel I can ask for DH support as he made his feelings clear. He comments if I see them often "that's
weeks in a row you've been to visit your dad" so I feel like I have to hide or justify seeing family.

Sleep
DH as a tendency to get up very early (4 or 5am) which frequently disturbs me and once I am awake he tends to go back to bed and he has a nap most of his days off but will wake me if he feels I am sleeping too long (he once came home from work when I was pregnant at 10am in the morning and woke me up “to make sure I was achieving something” I was really angry as was so tired and it was my one chance for a lie-in as my ex had my 2 children. He said I was overreacting. I have given up trying to get a nap or a lie-in as it just doesn’t happen any more, I feel resentful that he gets so much more sleep than me when he causes me to have less sleep. Also it is always me who gets up with the baby (he has maybe got up with him about 5 times in 7 months)

Sex
When we first met sex was good and frequent. Now it is once a week if that. He has difficulties and eventually admitted to using viagra although he refuses to discuss it. He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much.

Housework
DH sometimes hoovers but criticizes my hovering the rest of the time saying I don’t do it properly. He mows the lawn and is very good at DIY tasks around the home, he does them straight away.
DH has not cleaned a toilet or sink since we moved into our house 1.5 years ago (we have a cloakroom, 2 en-suites and a bathroom) Although I said in the first place I didn’t mind doing it I tried to get him to do it when I was heavily pregnant and after my c-sec but he refused on the grounds he only uses the bathrooms 10% of the time. This is despite the fact that he refuses to lift the seat so leaves little dribbles frequently and has IBS so leaves the inside of the toilet messy at least once a day.
I do all the washing/drying/ironing, initially it stemmed from me knowing that most of it was mine and my 2 kids but when I have asked my husband to be involved in doing some of it (after my c-sec and once I go back to work) he protests on the grounds that hardly any of it is his. He doesn’t like me using the tumble dryer and I have even seen him “jokingly” take stuff out of it and throw it on the floor.
As a result I use the tumble drier when he is out and panic when he comes home unexpectedly. I also have a lot less free time than him as I do the majority of the housework with the exception of cooking which he will do when he is here but generally leaves the dishes to me (he has made up the babies bottles once in 7 months and never sterilised anything)

Sorry this is so garbled, I am so confused and don’t know if it is just me being oversensitive. I have tried 3 times to leave, I have packed my bags but he somehow persuaded me every time that I was being silly/I’d regret leaving/I overreact to stuff. Afterwards I was disappointed in myself. I feel like I am 90% on the way to knowing I should leave but what can give me that last shove?? Is this emotional abuse or is it just a clash? He always says "is your life really so terrible?"

[GrimTales]

There are much much wiser women on here than me but I couldn't read and run.

You don't have to tell him anything, you don't owe him anything. He's never shown you remotely that level of respect or regard for your feelings.

You can tell him you are not coming back by text. Or email. Or not at all for the time being.

You don't owe him an explanation - you would have the right to leave this relationship at any time for utterly no reason whatsoever (never mind for all of the extremely abusive reasons you have to get the heck out of there and not look back!).

Stay strong!

[iloverunning36]

Thank you. I think I will do it by text as I don't want to see him or talk to him as he has some hold over me and I'll cave in, admit I've been silly and back to square 1.

[tipsytrifle]

OMG well done you!!!! Please accept his word about taking all the time you need. Like the rest of your life! He is horrible and abusive. Don't ever be charmed out of knowing that. Oh wow, I'm so happy that you are out of there!!

[iloverunning36]

Thanks tipsy, you have given me sound advice on a couple of threads.

[LabradorMama]

OP, I cried reading your first post. What an awful man. And the terrible thing is, I knew you were going to say he was in the police too.

He WAS abusing you and will pick up where he left off if you go back. He has treated you so appallingly, your children too and you have - absolutely, without question - done the right thing in leaving him

You will find tons of helpful advice on this board from strong, brave ladies like yourself who have experience of this kind of thing and can help you find your way.

Please stay strong, your life is about to improve beyond measure and you are giving your children the gift of a comfortable and happy life too. They must have been constantly on eggshells around him.

Any time you feel yourself wavering, just re-read your first post and imagine how you'd advise your daughter if she had written it.

Love and strength to you

[iloverunning36]

Thanks. You are all helping more than you can possibly imagine. I am telling him tomorrow yikes.

[middleeasternpromise]

You need to hold as much power as you can why tell him until you have considered the sols advice? He said take as long as you need that could easily be several weeks. A man like this will see every decision you make as a challenge, he will try various tactics from gaslighting to bullying to persuading you he's seen the light - don't give him an inch. He knows yr psyche very well probably can't believe how easy it has been to get you to do exactly what he wants - he only has to behave badly once and you instantly modify yr behaviour to avoid any further attacks. Don't underestimate him either a man like this doesn't like to lose you need to keep one step ahead at all times. What ever you do don't go back now you have escaped I hope your family will support you through this. Good luck

[LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight]

Well done you.

It doesn't matter what he says, you do not need his permission to leave.

[iloverunning36]

My family are great, so supportive

[Eastpoint]

I am so impressed with you iloverunning, what great strength you are showing. Well done & keep going. Good luck today.

[KoalaDownUnder]

My mouth actually dropped open while I was reading your first post.

This man is damaged and cruel. Please, please do not doubt for a second that his behaviour is abusive. There is no fixing this; he does not deserve to have you, or your children.

Please stay strong and stay away from him. You will be so, so much happier in the long run, I promise you, and so will your children.

[iloverunning36]

I have told him I'm not coming back. He says he loves me and he'll get

[iloverunning36]

Counselling. He maintains I have played my part in this by bringing up the past all the time but I said its ongoing, less than a week ago he told me he was fucking sick of my shit (because I wanted him to answer the door to let my kids in when my ex delivered them ) I have admitted I still totally love him but have said I cannot go back unless he changes. I feel so guilty and sad.

[Eastpoint]

He is still justifying behaving badly by saying that you keep bringing up the past. I don't have any advice but you sound v sad and I want to let you know you are not alone, people care about you.

[iloverunning36]

Thank you. When I read stuff on the relationships board I can see when other women are being treated badly/giving too much of themselves but it's not so easy to look at myself when I am aware of all my shortcomings. I can't believe I have left and still think I'll end up going back.

[Hissy]

if I tell you categorically that he won't ever change, only ever get worse, how would you feel about the future, if you were still with him?

Read your Lundy book. skip to the bit where it talks about the liklihood of him ever changing.

look at the enormous lining up of planets it will take for him to even consider that he's WRONG and has treated you badly.

please, please, please, don't ever take him back. he will destroy you.

you're safe now, take a few days to see how freedom feels. don't have any contact with him, or he'll try and take you back.

getting out the next time will be even harder. maybe even impossible.

don't do that to your children. please

[iloverunning36]

You are right thank you.

[OvertiredandConfused]

He won't change OP. This is part of the script. You are so much better already. Take some time to get plans in place and stay away. Well done for getting this far. It's a huge step.

[notoneforselfies]

Your 'shortcomings' do not exist in the way you think they do. He has made you believe they do through his abuse. He is gas lighting you. He will NOT change. Not ever. If you go back it will not get better and you will find yourself in the same position yet again, though it will be harder as you will be even more worn down by him. Do not go back to him, do not engage in contact until you are stronger. Read this thread again, read your book again. Talk to your sister. Phone women's aid. Think of your children and how they will grow up damaged with him as a role model. You MUST be strong for them and you. You can do it!

[Hissy]

what you're being told are shortcomings are what your abuser is telling you are shortcomings.

he leaves his shit in the toilet for YOU to scrub! EVERY DAY! where is his self respect, let alone respect for you! that's disgusting!

how short a shortcoming (of his) do you need? :)

go through your OP and read it as if it's someone else. tell that person what you'd say if this were someone elses thread.

[Jill2015]

OP nobody deserves to live like this, in fear when you hear his car outside, fearful of doing something so simple as using the tumble drier. This is all wrong, on HIS part. Please please stay with your sister, get advice from a solicitor, and don't for a minute believe that someone who treats you so badly, can or will change.

[iloverunning36]

Thank you kind people. If I hadn't had found mumsnet i would have probably taken years more to leave, this is awesome support and advice

[bringbacksideburns]

Please get the strength you need to stay away from your family. He sounds awful. I'd rather be on my own any day than with someone like him.

He does impressions of me having sex which make me feel so low and has said that I see it as the only way of showing affection. As a result I no longer really enjoy sex that much. That is not a loving relationship. It's fucked up.

He complains that you buy your kids school shoes ffs.

[RachaelAgnes]

Running, just back from work and straight on here to see how you are!

Well done for telling him you're not going back......ignore his replies, he will try and say/do anything to get his status quo back.

You are not that person anymore. You are stronger than him!

So bloody proud of you!

[iloverunning36]

Thanks ra :)