New husband wont cook, clean, work

[Peonysandblueglass]

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

She ended up a full blown heroin addict and her sin- my 'step brother' was quite abusive overtly sexual towards me and used to vandalise bus stops in the village. When I was 17 I moved away to Cornwall with dad and sister and things generally git a lot happier, healthier from there on in. But my adult lifes had lots of silly relationships, a bit of food/ shopping/ internet addiction so I am beating myself up for arriving at this place.

Yes Im in therapy at the moment. My therapyst reiterates how sad she feels on my behalf frequently. I see myself as quite strong and empowered but really I'm just a donkey unable to move for eveyone elses shit :(

Here is my post from one of your previous threads peony.

"You have posted about this relationship before I believe OP.

This is the man with the extremely wealthy parents who is a compulsive hoarder and you didn't want to leave your home but he talked you into it..........

I agree with PP, you know what you are getting into, and presumably your reasons for doing so, so I hope you get what you want out of it."

I am sorry to read your update about abuse and hope the therapy is helping.

Did your therapist think it was a good idea for you to marry this man or do you ignore everyone?

Oh honey.

You're not an idiot and people being abusive to you on this thread is not helpful.

I would spell it out for him...unless he does x, y, z, you will leave. And then do it if he can't/won't change.

What are your hours like per week? How much do.you work/go to school vs him?

I don't think people are so much being abusive as just at their wit's end with the situation. And now he's doing a bit of housework for which, no doubt, he will expect a huge gratitude. He'll stop doing it soon enough though.

Sigh.
Op...your story is a very sad one.
But it doesn't mean you have to be a self fulfilling prophecy!!
You are so young.
This is no way to live.

It is going to be very difficult to get anywhere with this.
He has no interest in the house looking nice and clean-he doesn't care if you both graze on junk food, he doesn't seem to care what his daughter eats, he has no interest in working hard for you both to have a nice lifestyle.
Either he is really low in mood and thinks everything isn't worth the effort or he is just completely lazy and selfish.
If he doesn't care and you do care you will inevitably end up doing everything.
The only thing you can do is leave if he doesn't buck up. If he cares at all about you he will come to his senses-otherwise the relationship isn't worth pursuing.
It wouldn't be so bad if it was only one thing eg cleaning that he didn't care about but he still was willing to cook for example.
I get the impression that if you weren't there he would sit in a dirty house in smelly clothes eating crisp butties and avoiding work. You deserve a better life than that.

How many threads have you started about this man and the situation now?
Because you keep getting the same answers.
Might be time to listen?

I hope the point comes that the therapist's given you a strong enough shovel that you can dig your way out, peony

it's not fair that some people are dealt a shit hand to play with, but that's the way it is.

good luck, don't let him grind you down. You're worth more than that.

I genuinely sympathise, having had an abuse riddled childhood myself, but sometimes it's hard when the threads go like this.

Thread 1. My boyfriend is a bit abusive, shall I give up all I hold dear and move in with him?

MN. No. He is a cunt. LTB.

Thread 2. I just moved in with my boyfriend but life doesn't seem to be as rosy as I thought it would be, he is rather abusive actually.

MN. He sounds like a cunt. LTB. Whatever you do, don't marry him. Have you posted about him before???

Thread 3. I just got married and I really thought when we were finally wed, my husband would become the man I want him to be, but he seems to be rather abusive.

MN. Haven't you posted about this cunt before? LTB. Whatever you do don't get pregnant by him.

Thread 4. Since I became pregnant, my husband has escalated his abuse and now I feel miserable and alone with nowhere to turn.

MN. Er, we told you to LTB. He is a cunt of the highest order.

Thread 5. I have been with my husband for 14 years and we have 3 DC. The problem is, he has treated me appallingly all our marriage and I feel like I have wasted my life...........

MN. Seriously?

He married you as his convenience. I know this sounds harsh, but its the truth. 5 years down the line you'll be kicking yourself if you stay with him. If you've the energy left after being his drudge, that is. God forbid you should have a child together, you will keel over with the workload.

This is a man who is supposed to love and care for you, and he cannot even be bothered to help out with the basics? You can do far, far better than him. & you will, if you cut your losses and leave him to his own lazy and selfish life. Still, you could try headless' advice. Im a great believer that you can't teach a grown man to suck eggs tho. & he may not like the sound of "contract". But, you never know..he MAY change if he believes you are worth it. Its to be hoped that he does. Good luck.

I hope it works out for you. Keep the communication going but your expectations realistic. Dont think that he can read your mind because he cant so make sure you tell him when he is not doing things. He probably wont ever 'see' when things need to be done.

If you ever feel that it will end up in a shouting match then have the conversation in public, much less likely to happen - shouting not talking.

I wonder if he has Aspergers Syndrome. I wouldn't be surprised.

That's pretty offensive to people with Asperger's and a lazy thing to throw around. Many people with Asperger's are kind, thoughtful people who have no trouble pulling their weight.

Glad you posted first, lodger! I'm heartily sick of people labelling useless twats 'autistic' and/or explaining in painful detail how they shouldered the task of training a fully-grown adult in basic life skills in order to make them into an acceptable partner.

FWIW, I made both of these mistakes in different marriages. The problem was me, but not in the way "people" thought. My problem was extremely low expectations of others, which came from my pathetic self-worth (well hidden though it was.)

Now we have Mumsnet, numerous books, blogs, websites, videos, training courses and TV programmes on relationships with power imbalances. There's no excuse to keep making excuses ... especially when those excuses involve collectively insulting either Aspies or the entire male sex.

I have Aspergers and I worked hard for twenty years before the anxiety got to me! He's not aspie, he's a lazy ass!

my love, you can't 'fix' him.

being with him, through all this won't change the fact that your mother wasn't there for you. you can't love someone enough for 2 or 3 people. you can only love yourself.

living like this doesn't give you brownie points, it just eats away at your soul.

you can't win this, you can't turn it around.

I know you feel the biggest idiot on earth, and indeed you've been foolish, but you made your decisions based on how you felt, and what you'd been through.

many of us have put up with worse for longer, which is probably why so many of us are shouting 'Get out, get out'.

we know there isn't a happy ending here, not within your powers anyway. please get advice and get yourself out of this as quickly as possible without too much detriment to your life in practical/financial terms.

Better the Devil you know is not the best Mantra,
He may or may not have aspergers ;personally I don't think he has.
You are damaged to some extent by you childhood experiences and it's not your fault.
You were an innocent victim.
Do you want your own children to grow up in the same old toxic soup you did?
You are an adult and an intelligent one ( or else you wouldn't be training to be a teacher)
I would do anything to be your age again, I really would. I had the world in my hands; a well paid job, my own home, a car and I met Mr ( seemingly perfect).
He messed with my head to the point I had to leave my job, became very underweight, lost friends...
God, I wished I'd heeded the advice of my friends and that my parents hadn't been so " diplomatic" about my choice of twattish man.
I've told my own dd that I'm going to her her fellas and I mean it. I'm not prudish or anything, but at 48 I have enough life experience to recognise the wheat from the chaff.
Google his behaviour 'till the cows come home sweetheart; you still won't get the answers you are hoping for.
Look, you have no mortgage, no massive debts, a well paid job on the horizon , you have your youth.
I'm almost envious.
Live the dream, you will be on £35000 in about 4 years if you play your cards right.
Why are you investing in the Joker?

Why are you investing in the joker? Why are you investing in a drain, more like.

I can guarantee that the minute you qualify and get a decent-earning job, he will reduce his hours even more. You won't be any better off, ever.

He's doing a bit of housework now? He's throwing you a crumb. And I bet you will never hear the last of it: how he's done the hoovering (so much better than you do) and in half the time, how he did the washing up, because you hadn't...... It's how they work.

This time next week, he'll be amazed that it needs doing AGAIN!

What are you going to do to your DD's fellas, Blue? ;)

What is his job?

Do not have kids with this man as you can guarantee you'll be working full time, he'll be at home doing crap all childcare or housework and you'll be too scared to leave him as he'll say the kids will go to him as he's the primary carer.

Keep your dignity and get out now.

He'll be donning a baby sling and one of those fancy tent jobbies on his " green" bicycle
But he'll draw the line at reading bed time stories and changing bums.
.

My friend is married to a complete wanker; he doesn't work; they moved to an unheated hovel in the sticks; he has 2 brand new motorbikes and she works hers ass off; but she isn't materialistic.
She thinks I am for driving a 4 year old car and getting my eyebrows threaded!
She wore a charity shop monsoon dress for her wedding, there was no buffet.
It was simple and beautiful.
No it was a fecking miserable day and it wasn't a celebration. I took my own packed lunch to this special event.
He can Tai Chi all the hell he likes, I still hate the bastard.
And she is sooo grateful and he is sooooo special.
No , he's a misogynistic wanker.

Had you had a bit to drink last night Blue?

Pathetically, he is the lazy, selfish, manchild he was before you married him. He isn't the problem here, which is good news because you are totally in charge of changing yourself, which isn't the case with your H.

Peony - take a moment to look forward in time to when you have a baby. Your lazyarse cocklodger is still not pulling his weight, he is still working part time, if at all, and you are still in debt. You are doing all the night feeds and changes, and he is still making you do most of the housework, despite you being on your last legs with tiredness.

Now think about you deciding to leave him - he has access to your child. He will be "looking after" your child part of the time. Do you think he will be good at this? I know he already has a DD - is he good at properly looking after her, taking care of her needs? Do you want to be in a situation where you have to give up your child to this person up to half the week?

If you don't like the pictures, then don't, please, have a baby with him.