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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New husband wont cook, clean, work

249 replies

Peonysandblueglass · 17/09/2014 07:52

during the week I work as a Nanny and arrive home at about 8pm I then make dinner for my new husband and myself.

Recently I've arrived home to find that there's no food so I have to drive to the supermarket, do the shop then drive home unpack and cook tea.
I earn about £120 a week whereas DH has been able to go part time with his work because now I live here and split the monthly bills down the middle with him he can go part time and now does a three day week.
I don't think it's fair that I always cook, we initially made a deal that if I cook he washes up but just lately he's been leaving the washing up for a day or two which means the following nights there's no room on the side board to cook.

We wrote up a kind of contract when I first moved in that house work such as hoovering, cleaning bathroom etc we would do on a Saturday morning.
He doesn't do this so Im finding that unless I ask him nothing gets done and I do everything.
I am a full time student and a part time Nanny so during the school term I am out of the house more that full time hours while he just has lovely 3 day weeks and doesn't help at all around the house unless I remind him.

It all came to a head last night when I got home (very hungry planning to ask him in an adult way whether he could cook for me when Im working late) he was on the sofa watching tv at 8pm and when I went to the fridge to get some food he said "we haven't got anything, I have been waiting for you so we can go food shopping"

I hit the roof, asking if he really thought I wanted to go food shopping after getting in from work at 8 whilst he has just been sat on his arse since he got in at 6, I angrily said; " you don't need to wait for Mummy to come home" I said that I wish he would think "oh Peonys been working late maybe I'll stick a potato in the oven for her" He responded saying that he didn't know when I would be getting home (he could just text. It just annoys me that I'm doing y side of the bargain but he isn't doing his.

He reacted very angrily back and stormed out to go shopping.

Later that night I told him that I feel Im getting a raw deal out of this marriage so far and set out everything I have above. He said that he will never cook because he doesn't care about food.

Im so angry because he is being so adamant that he wont cook and hes forcing me into the role of the nagging wife which, frankly I refuse to do any more. HE SHOULD JUST DO IT!

Any advice greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 18/09/2014 07:01

Peony, does your counsellor just sympathise about your childhood, or does she give you useful strategies for dealing with it?

DH had a really shit childhood (different to yours, but still shit) and recently went to a counsellor. He found that it was useful for her to show him what had gone wrong in the past, but then, she didn't really provide strategies for moving on.

Perhaps you could look at some other form of therapy, or even just a new counsellor? (I know this isn't necessarily easy, particularly if your treatment is on the NHS.)

Peonysandblueglass · 18/09/2014 08:45

Thank you for all your help. I'm hoping him and I can resolve this, it's been helpful to gain all of your perspectives and feel quite hopeful that things will improve.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 08:50

Yeah, I am hoping to win the lottery and for a loved one who died to come back from the grave.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/09/2014 09:01

Why? What makes you feel hopeful? Seems like wilful ignorance and blind optimism to me. Good luck.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2014 09:03

"Thank you for all your help. I'm hoping him and I can resolve this, it's been helpful to gain all of your perspectives and feel quite hopeful that things will improve"

Those thoughts are truly a triumph of hope over experience. This is basically a variation on a theme starting with your awful childhood.

I would also find another therapist because the one you write of seems to be completely useless.

Pickledradish · 18/09/2014 09:13

OP, you give the impression of being a hard-working, optimistic person. I think he's taking advantage of your good nature and generosity. If this is the situation during the honeymoon period, what will it be like a few years down the line? I've never met him, but I feel contempt for him and so will you too in time, and you'll be angry that you're married to a lazy arse.

Ticklemonster897 · 18/09/2014 09:21

Just an idea. He has to teach himself to cook. Can you buy him a nice recipe book? Jamie Oliver's ministry book is good for beginners.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 09:27

Vivacia, I wish! Just grouchy and have an abscess, dosed up on painkillers and antibiotics. At least it's temporary.

Peonysandblueglass · 18/09/2014 09:29

I think people project a lot on these forums. I don't agree that
a) I'm an idiot
b) I should leave the bastard
c) He is a bad father
d) My therapist is rubbish
e) I am destined for a life of misery and having children will be awful
f) He is autistic
g) He is abusive

I do think I needed to get things off my chest and sound them out.
I also appreciate the constructive suggestions.
I also think I am capable of leaving if I'm unhappy.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 18/09/2014 09:33

I'm not projecting. I've been very happily married for 30 years, but if it makes you feel better to believe that then go ahead.

PuffinsAreFicticious · 18/09/2014 09:40

You've married your mother then. The abuse, MH problems, and your need to fix it all.

You don't. The only person you need to fix is you, not this psychic vampire you've saddled yourself with.

I get that you're codependent, a lot of us have been there and know what it looks like from both sides. He will never change. Unless you give him no option, and even then, he'll just return to his shitty hoarding behaviour until the next sucker comes along.

Vivacia · 18/09/2014 09:49

(((Blue)))

Vivacia · 18/09/2014 09:50

OP you're sounding optimistic and fighty (in a good way) this morning. What's helped? What's given you hope for a healthy, happy relationship with this man?

rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 09:56

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt . . .

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 10:11

a. You are not an idiot, but you have made the wrong choice of partner,
b. You really should leave this man. I'm not saying he's a bastard but he has issues that are not yours to fix.
c. I don't know if he's a bad father or not, but he is a father and he came as a package and is not the primary carer.
d. Your therapist can't " fix" you but can help you to understand your thought and behaviours.
e. You have a bright future ahead of you. You will get a well paid job, climb through the ranks and have good earning potential. You will have children either alone or with a man worthy of you.
f. One person suggested that you dh might have ASD. Most people with ASD hold down jobs and function as responsible adults.
g. Abuse takes many forms. He puts his needs before yours. That does not make for a healthy relationship.

rootypig · 18/09/2014 10:15

OP then why are you back here posting about him in desperation a month into your marriage?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you shouldn't post. My marriage is a miserable mess too. But I'm not in denial about it. I just need to work out why I can't leave.

So, why can't you leave?

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 10:19

I think people project a lot on these forums. I don't agree that
a) I'm an idiot
b) I should leave the bastard
c) He is a bad father
d) My therapist is rubbish
e) I am destined for a life of misery and having children will be awful
f) He is autistic
g) He is abusive

I do think I needed to get things off my chest and sound them out.
I also appreciate the constructive suggestions.
I also think I am capable of leaving if I'm unhappy.

You are not an idiot - but you are acting like one....
You should stay - why?
He does not bother to cook for his child - he is a poor father - fact
Pass
You are destined for a life of poverty and drudgery with him
Pass
He is financially abusive and a cock lodger

I also think I am capable of leaving if I'm unhappy

You are capable of leaving and have not - so you are happy :)

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 10:23

OP, are you worried about losing face if you do decide to leave him?
I don't think your friends and family would be all that surprised if you did.

MissScatterbrain · 18/09/2014 10:33

I also think I am capable of leaving if I'm unhappy.

Are you happy then?

If so, why do you keep coming back to post on this board?

Lucylloyd13 · 18/09/2014 10:36

Just go.

A relationship is about what you both get out of it. Even if he is a sex god, his other behaviour will not be enough to keep you together.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 10:36

The topic title - given by the op is

a2186837-New-husband-wont-cook-clean-work

So him not working is an issue - however

Peonysandblueglass Wed 17-Sep-14 15:47:03
It's his life if he wants to go part time that's fine, as long as the division of labour is balanced.

How will he support his family - You, himself, his daughter and a child when you are on ML.....

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 10:57

Peonysandblueglass Wed 21-May-14 12:13:00

Thanks. He said that he would be happy to support me when I have children, that he knows that part of being with me was always going to involve having children I'm just taken aback that he says he isn't fussed if he doesn't have them.
He's depressed at the notion of having to work full time/ be skint.
I just told him that I am glad I know all of this now and left for work. He says that this is a 'real biggie' but I don't know what he was imagining would happen when we had children.
At least there's still time for both of us to get out now.
I like the saying: The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.
Im all stunned and fragile at work today sad

So what stopped you ?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/09/2014 11:00

So WHY can't you leave?. What innate emotional need of yours is being met here, what is in this for you, the trade off if you will?.

Look at what you learnt about relationships when growing up; you were fundamentally failed and the fallout from that continues to this very day in your own relationships.

I would agree with the poster who wrote that you've married your mother along with the abuse, MH problems and your need to fix it all.

Your own childhood experiences taught you how to become co-dependent and basically you and H are two dysfunctional people in a dysfunctional relationship.

BlueBrightBlue · 18/09/2014 11:21

Peonysandblueglass Fri 13-Jun-14 18:03:31

I'm going to change mine and I'm a strident feminist! It feels like a fresh start and a new identity as a family tribe member. I can define what it means to be a (Jones, not my real name btw) rather than the name I was born with. Also I just love DP so much if I had to have his elbows for the rest of my life I would because I just LOVE everything about him

(This refers to a thread about changing your name when you get married)

OP, forgive me for jumping to conclusions but I get the impression you haven't know this man for very long have you?

I also think the crux of the matter is that you have the primal need to have a baby and you desperately want this relationship to work in order to have family of your own.

namechangedforthisonehere · 18/09/2014 11:26

You really want to be part of a family...

Thats great

Find a man who deserves you not one who grudges buying you a chicken breast .....

I wish you could see what we all could.

He sits at home watching telly as he He's depressed at the notion of having to work full time/ be skint.

Well thats what grown ups - and dads do.....