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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I still go on a date with this guy?

114 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 22:54

So I met him through OD (which I'm not a big fan of but I don't plan to be single forever so I thought I may as well check it out). To my surprise, I met someone who seemed lovely, intelligent and single. We texted for a bit then spoke on the phone few times. He also added me on fb.

We set a night to meet but an emergency came up and he had to cancel. I wasn't bothered as we'd barely started chatting by that point.

We re-arranged for the following week when he was going to be working near me. He said he'd probably be free by x time and we made plans. Fast forward to the actual day and he just never contacts me. I got a very apologetic text that evening saying that the day had run away with him. I vaguely wondered why it was that we couldn't meet later but didn't really feel that I could ask.

He's always seemed very keen to meet me, compliments me, etc. and I didn't doubt that he was as keen to meet as I was. We haven't got very in-depth or anything, just agreed that we got on and would like to meet.

So after two cancelled dates he asked when I was free and I told him. He then asked about another couple of days without acknowledging what I'd said. I said no, sorry and he proceeded to ask about a few other nights, still not explaining why he couldn't do the night or day I'd suggested (Saturday night and Sunday). I was mildly aggrieved that he hadn't offered to come and see me at a weekend when I know for a fact he doesn't work at the weekend and had cancelled on me twice before. He just stayed silent about it. After I said that it was a shame he couldn't make it because I was free, he said that if he could move a sporting match on the Sunday he would be able to make it down for Saturday evening. He was able to move the match and now starts the odd bit. He doesn't live nearby so he said "Do you have a spare room because I will need to stay down there?" I was very taken aback and basically replied and said well, yes, but you can't really stay here (gave an excuse). He pushed to be allowed to stay and when it became clear that I wasn't going to give way he suddenly backed off and wouldn't commit and eventually said that he wasn't coming because 'it was all too difficult'. I knew this was coming so wasn't that upset, but I did care. At that point I knew in myself that I resented him not making me more of a priority and that I wouldn't now actually want to meet him.

Am I being really stupid about someone I've never even met? Or am I justified in thinking that I should have been more of a priority for him?

I basically think that he either has sex guaranteed elsewhere or when I refused to allow him to stay he thought we wouldn't be sleeping together and so couldn't be bothered. Seriously - who would allow someone that they've never even met to STAY in their house?! I'd also made it clear over the texts that I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him straight away. He wasn't pushing or anything but the subject came up and I made my position clear.

He still wants to see me but hasn't actually suggested a day. I get the feeling that he's playing it by ear. Am I really overreacting or would others be mildly offended too???

OP posts:
StoneTheFlamingCrows · 14/09/2014 22:58

Just don't bother.

Sounds like he's probably married or something anyway.

I'd steer well clear.

lunatuna · 14/09/2014 23:00

No. Don't bother. Move on. I'd be massively offended by him wanting to stay, and any reasonable person would know that asking to stay at yours would be weird for a first date! It's pushy and disrespectful.

gregsageek · 14/09/2014 23:00

Oh God, it shouldn't be this difficult in the early months, let alone before you've even met! Yes, he totally thought he would get a shag and isn't going to bother if that's not a guarantee. Don't meet him.

NameChange30 · 14/09/2014 23:01

Sounds like a complete idiot. Forget about him and move on.

queenofthepirates · 14/09/2014 23:02

I would be absolutely steamingly livid. I think you've dodged a bullet there. Massively inappropriate to ask to stay with you on the first date.

angryangryyoungwoman · 14/09/2014 23:02

That's weird. Definitely don't meet him.

SweetErmengarde · 14/09/2014 23:03

Yep, this said "married" to me too.

And married or single, he is definitely a chancer.

NEXT!

MiscellaneousAssortment · 14/09/2014 23:06

Where is the kindness and respect in his behaviour???

No, he's telling you that you are not a priority or worthy of upholding any arrangements with. I wouldn't treat a delivery man or dentists appointment in this way - would you?

Walk away. Flowers

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 14/09/2014 23:09

I'd guess he is doing lots of online dating and has other dates to juggle,hence the cancellations. However he'd prioritise you if sex was on the cards. Doubt he's married.

Seasidegirly · 14/09/2014 23:12

I had this happen to me quite a few times when I did OD. Defo don't meet him - he's only after a shag and probably married

MillyCariad · 14/09/2014 23:43

If he was really interested in you, you would know it in no uncertain terms.

pigsDOfly · 15/09/2014 00:02

Why would you even bother? Sounds a complete waste of your time, you're well rid.

Also suspect he's married.

DirtyOldTown · 15/09/2014 00:20

From your previous posts you have had dramas in your life. Why invite more?

alphabook · 15/09/2014 00:23

Either he is married/in a relationship or juggling a lot of dates. Steer clear.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 15/09/2014 00:27

You should've deleted him after that "day ran away with me" bollocks. He's JNTIY. Sorry. :(

getthefeckouttahere · 15/09/2014 01:14

oh move on, nobody should be that difficult!!

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 15/09/2014 02:19

Married and after a shag. Not even making the effort to disguise it. So either he's thick or thinks you are.

JustDontWantToSay · 15/09/2014 04:23

Good point about drama. I hadn't quite seen that view (stupidly).

Why would I bother? I just wanted to know that I wasn't being ridiculous I guess. I didn't trust my instincts entirely. If you lot had turned around and said "you're being really needy and entitled" I would have considered it. Gut feel says not in a relationship or married for a number of reasons - I think he's probably just a selfish arsehole and/or shagging around.

OP posts:
Zazzles007 · 15/09/2014 04:33

I'm with everyone else - move on, he's either married, after a shag, or JNTIY. And all the cancelled dates! Only friends and family get to use with me, not random blokes in an online dating situation looking to set up a first date.

niceupthedance · 15/09/2014 06:29

"All too complicated" = "I can't be bothered".

Defo sack him off.

rainbowfeet · 15/09/2014 06:38

I've been OD on & off (mainly off)!! For a few years & yes he sounds like he was expecting sex or would be doing his best to charm you into it on the date... Cancelled dates are just rude.. He is a player I reckon.. Move on Smile

FamiliesShareGerms · 15/09/2014 06:41

Another one here who thinks you should just cut your losses and move on. If he really wanted the date to happen it would have done by now

Simplesusan · 15/09/2014 08:05

I would have dumped him the minute he said time ran away with him and he simply forgot about you.

I may be wrong but when he moved the sporting event , I read that as "I will tell my wife I am busy and can't attend our child's match ."

Dump him in no uncertain terms he is a dick._

LividofLondon · 15/09/2014 08:08

At this stage you should just be able to have a quick coffee at lunchtime without any dramas. You say he doesn't live nearby. How far away and had you planned to meet in public halfway between your homes? Giving him the benefit of the doubt, if you live quite far apart and he has a busy life it's not going to be easy. But dating shouldn't be hard. Asking to stay over at your place either shows he's a chancer after sex (nothing wrong with it if you're up for that) or has a huge lack of awareness of how you'd feel about a stranger in your home.

OK, things crop up and plans change, but the lack of contact on date day because the day had "run away with him" seems to indicate you weren't at the forefront of his mind; I'd expect any man who had plans on a first date with me to be rather excited about it and be focused on it.

BeforeAndAfter · 15/09/2014 08:14

Think about heading over to the dating thread OP. Plenty of experience on there and you can use the thread to keep perspective in the early days, to realise that the sort of behaviour you've experienced is all too common (as is the shag-and-run man) so you know you're not alone and 'it's not you, it's them' plus it keeps you buoyed up because success stories do happen!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2166417-Dating-Thread-80