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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I still go on a date with this guy?

114 replies

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 22:54

So I met him through OD (which I'm not a big fan of but I don't plan to be single forever so I thought I may as well check it out). To my surprise, I met someone who seemed lovely, intelligent and single. We texted for a bit then spoke on the phone few times. He also added me on fb.

We set a night to meet but an emergency came up and he had to cancel. I wasn't bothered as we'd barely started chatting by that point.

We re-arranged for the following week when he was going to be working near me. He said he'd probably be free by x time and we made plans. Fast forward to the actual day and he just never contacts me. I got a very apologetic text that evening saying that the day had run away with him. I vaguely wondered why it was that we couldn't meet later but didn't really feel that I could ask.

He's always seemed very keen to meet me, compliments me, etc. and I didn't doubt that he was as keen to meet as I was. We haven't got very in-depth or anything, just agreed that we got on and would like to meet.

So after two cancelled dates he asked when I was free and I told him. He then asked about another couple of days without acknowledging what I'd said. I said no, sorry and he proceeded to ask about a few other nights, still not explaining why he couldn't do the night or day I'd suggested (Saturday night and Sunday). I was mildly aggrieved that he hadn't offered to come and see me at a weekend when I know for a fact he doesn't work at the weekend and had cancelled on me twice before. He just stayed silent about it. After I said that it was a shame he couldn't make it because I was free, he said that if he could move a sporting match on the Sunday he would be able to make it down for Saturday evening. He was able to move the match and now starts the odd bit. He doesn't live nearby so he said "Do you have a spare room because I will need to stay down there?" I was very taken aback and basically replied and said well, yes, but you can't really stay here (gave an excuse). He pushed to be allowed to stay and when it became clear that I wasn't going to give way he suddenly backed off and wouldn't commit and eventually said that he wasn't coming because 'it was all too difficult'. I knew this was coming so wasn't that upset, but I did care. At that point I knew in myself that I resented him not making me more of a priority and that I wouldn't now actually want to meet him.

Am I being really stupid about someone I've never even met? Or am I justified in thinking that I should have been more of a priority for him?

I basically think that he either has sex guaranteed elsewhere or when I refused to allow him to stay he thought we wouldn't be sleeping together and so couldn't be bothered. Seriously - who would allow someone that they've never even met to STAY in their house?! I'd also made it clear over the texts that I certainly wouldn't be sleeping with him straight away. He wasn't pushing or anything but the subject came up and I made my position clear.

He still wants to see me but hasn't actually suggested a day. I get the feeling that he's playing it by ear. Am I really overreacting or would others be mildly offended too???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 08:52

You just can't help some people...

You have been warned. Not just by us, but by his behaviour so far.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 09:57

Yes, BUT - I've nothing to lose and I'd be interested to work out if he is married, etc!

No. It would not be interesting. It would be pathetic, looking for chinks in the armour to puzzle him out. FFS.

Who cares? He is just after a shag. Have some fucking self respect for fucks sake.

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 10:03

If you are so keen on being a super sleuth and finding out who people really are, then become a detective- at least you'll be paid for your efforts.

I think you are flattered to have some any attention. so you are milking it for all its worth.

This guy has let you down so much already. People tend to carry on as they start- if he let you down from the start when he ought to have been attentive and doing his utmost to impress, how do you think he'd treat you after a few shags?

And what about his laziness or meanness or whatever to arrange a hotel for himself - rather than ask to stay with you?

I don't think you ought to go anywhere near OLD until you get some self worth and wise up a bit .

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 10:37

Yes, but...no but

Good luck with that

Bant · 16/09/2014 10:47

OP - I can understand why you'd want to meet him. You've built up this mental image of the guy you're chatting to in your mind, and you want to see how much he matches it, and whether he has good enough reasons for cancelling on you so many times.

But the simple fact is, you've got nothing to gain from meeting him. If you do meet, and he is who he says he is, and there is a mental, emotional connection, and physical chemistry (and all of those aren't likely) - then you've made a connection with a bloke who has been shown to repeatedly let you down, ignore your wishes, and be either a cheapskate or just after sex. He may step up and be more attentive if it's obvious you fancy each other. And once you sleep with him, he will disappear again - maybe for a week, maybe forever. Maybe one day you'll get a phone call from his wife telling you you're welcome to him.

And if you meet him and he's a dick in person too, then.. you've wasted some time when you could be out meeting someone who will actually treat you well.

So I really don't see the point. Drop him. There are plenty more out there who will treat you with respect.

PetalToTheMetal · 16/09/2014 10:58

Married.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:02

OP, how is it you think you will suss out if he is married just be looking into the whites of his eyes ? If he is a liar, he will lie.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:02

...and th, if you have any inkling that he is what does that say about you ?

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:02

*tbh

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:06

well she won't know IF he is until after the date.

Clearly she hopes to steer the conversation in such a way that he will slip up and prove their is a Mrs Shit in the background, then the OP can be happy that she's found out and that it's not just her lack of charm and good looks that is making him hold back.

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:07

their?? There...

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:09

Pink, I think that is very unlikely to happen

He's hardly likely to hold his hands up and say "you got me, Guv"

he will lie, if he is a liar

already he is a flake and a dodgy piece of work....so disappointing to see women still give blokes like this the benefir of the doubt

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:22

True but I still think she is looking for a reason why he's behaved like this which may soften the blow for her in some bizarre way.

Rather than look at what he's said and done so far, she wants to pursue it to the death in order to confirm in her mind that it's not HER it's him :)

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:25

I see that. But it's a fruitless task, innit.

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:32

Yup.

Bit like saying 'kick me again just so I know you really are a shit.'

JustDontWantToSay · 16/09/2014 11:33

I am honestly NOT doing this out of some bizarre need to have my ego propped up. He's not interested, neither am I, not in a kiss, a shag, a relationship. He's a knob. But I'm curious.
Warnings heeded. I am going to behave as though I KNOW there's a wife/g/f in the background. Out of respect for her and myself.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:34

curious about what exactly?

pinkfrocks · 16/09/2014 11:35

oh and if you are going to be so curious about every knob who messes you around online that's going to add up to an awful lot of wasted time.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:38

so if you are acting like you know there is a wife, why would you meet him Confused

Stupidhead · 16/09/2014 11:51
  1. Married!
  2. Wanted an early date to see whether (a) he fancied you enough for a shag later (b) had to get back for bath time with his kids.
  3. Wanting to stay over means he's given up on plan 2a and wants a shag no matter if he fancies you or not.
  4. He's married.
GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 11:54

If you really insist on meeting up with him, keep suggesting brunch on sunday, or coffee saturday afternoon.

ONE of those options would be do-able to a single man that didn't work at the weekend.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 16/09/2014 11:54

Sorry, I don't buy the "I'm not interested, I'm just curious" line for a second. If he were ugly, fat or dull, would you still be "curious"? If he wasn't quite so charming?

You fancy him.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 11:56

I'm not buying the disingenuous "I am just curious" either

Loandbehold · 16/09/2014 11:59

Please please stay away.

Bant · 16/09/2014 12:27

So just to summarise, OP - you posted a thread on MN called 'Should I still go on a date with this guy'

and, what 25, 30 posters have responded. All of them have said 'no'. Not a single person has said you should go on a date. All of them have given valid reasons, but you're going to completely ignore all of them and go out of curiosity anyway. That's assuming he'd even fix a time and turn up anyway.

What was the point in your posting in the first place?